Nothing for Christmas

I have already gotten everything I ever wanted in my life... okay, well... I can think of a couple of items I wouldn't mind having, but really, really want... nothing. I have an awesome home, a wonderful husband, an absolutely full and complete family that just keeps growing.., wonderful friends that I will always cherish...  And guess what?! The PET scan came back today and that is exactly what it showed, NOTHING! And that is a good thing. Something.... would have been the "C" and nothing means if it is there, it is microscopic.

More chemo to come but after the holidays. A few more tests... but no complaints from me.

Dr. Canova is fairly amazed. To start with numbers as high as I had...

And you know, I owe it all to you. Your love, prayers and existance in general...gave me all the strength I needed. Thank you.
Thanks for nothing!!   (hee-hee) 

The latest news from the Doc

He hasn't exactly said I can take a chemo vacation... but then Dr. Canova hasn't exactly scheduled another round yet either. We are going to do a PET scan this coming week. This test is kinda weird but painless. You can't eat any carbs or sugar or caffeine (?)  for a couple of days before the test and then they shoot you upwith radiated glucose and do a full scan. The sugar in the glucose goes straight to any cancer and the radiation lights it up. If there is any. If they don't see anything, we are good. If they see a small area... they will probably give me radiation. Radiation will treat the smaller area rather than using chemo... and treating the whole body, giving you all the additional side effects. I have had seven rounds of chemo. I always

liked that number. Sounds like a good place to stop.

So, what comes after that??  If they give you chemo and the bad cells die off... and you stop chemo, do they come back??  The statistics say that after initial remission.... like what I am going into, 70 to 90 % of people have a recurrence. Remission, as defined for the big "C" doesn't mean it is running away... waving a white flag and giving up. It means that the level of cancer cells has been diminished to a number hopefully close to the "normal" range and that number is no longer reducing after chemo. Or radiation or surgery.

 You never really get rid of it. Kind of like a sorry ex-husband. LOL! But hey, there are people out there that have had stage 4 ovarian cancer and are still going 20 years later. It is really not in my hands. All I can do is take care of myself, enjoy my life and let it GO! I am actually pretty good at that. If it comes back, I will just deal with it then just like I have now. Like, duh, there is an option. I read another stat the other day... there are 150 people diagnosed with some form of cancer every hour.  I am not unique. I have a common illness that can be treated and often with great results. That is what I am going for. I am healthy and strong and maintain a good mental attitude. Don't under estimate the good mental attitude part. It moves mountains. I listen to so much good stuff...at least an hour or so a day... I adore Louis Hay, Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer... but I tend to listen to Louise more than anyone. I just really like her. Her philosophy is mainly that you create your state of being with your thoughts and your thoughts can be changed. Simple. Have you ever heard someone say, "Life sucks!". That is a pretty negative declaration and guess what... I bet their life does suck. How about "If it isn't one bad thing, it's another." (yeah, I have said it a bunch too) Guess what, bad things will come.  And it is so easy to change!  "Life is beautiful .  I love my life. I feel wonderful and wonderful things happen to me every day. I get better every day. I can do this. I can do anything!" 

I don't know any more than the next person, the real truth about this incredible universe we live in... floating through time and space on a little ball... God, Yahweh, Buddha, Shiva, Confucius... but I believe there is a higher power and it wants to give us what we affirm that we want. Our words are so powerful. So precious. Chose your words wisely. Tell (insert belief system here) what you want and do it in present tense. "I am strong and vibrant and happy and whole and I thank (do it again) for all my blessings, everyday."

P.S. Photos are all from NASA.gov. Incredible universe, isn't it? 





Woooooohoooooo!

I feel like a million bucks!

I have 2.5 lbs of butter, about 2 dozen eggs, 2 quarts of heavy cream, a quart of half and half, a large variety of really good chocolate, candied fruits, bourbon, rum, assorted nuts, 10lbs of sugar, 10 lbs of flour, a new bundt pan and everyone coming over for Christmas dinner. I just don't know where to begin! Think I'll have another cup of coffee and dive in. (sorry the pic is not so hot... my camera phone only does so much...)


Seriously, this has been the easiest round so far. A few side effects, nothing I can't deal with...

It is a gorgeous day. I love South Florida Winters!! The high today is going to be around 72 and the low tonight will be about 48 which is COLD to us... so we can have a big fire, on the patio and inside!! Probably with the windows open. (we are not above building a fire and turning the air conditioning on!)

I am thankful. It has been a challenging year. I am ready to say good bye to 2010 and welcome 2011 with open arms.

My daughter in law, Kara, and my two oldest grand children, Griffin, who is 11 and Alana who's 7, moved away in the Spring to rejoin their husband/daddy, who'd spent a long time in Afghanistan... and move to Hawaii. This was after living with me and Hubbie for almost a year. What a hole that left. Charlie and me are just overgrown kids ourselves so having them to love on and play with was beyond wonderful. What a gift the time spent with them was. Thank you, Kara.

But then they handed me a diagnosis and I was sort of glad they weren't here to go through all of this in person. Early on, I sent Niles (my oldest son and daddy of Griffin and Alana) a picture of me with my newly bald head... Hubbie had just shaved for me.

I talked to Griffin and asked if he'd seen it and his perfect comment was,

"Yeah, what the heck is that all about?!"

Gotta love the honesty of kids.

Anyway, I just wanted to holla and say that I feel great! I am as surprised as anyone... and oh so thankful.

SO now I am going to listen to Harry Conick Jr.'s Christmas music and get busy! Here is some eye candy for whoever has a sweet tooth !

Can I get an "Amen!" on that one!

Ding, ding, ding....

Chemo day done. Nurse Susie told me she had no further orders to give me more treatments... but I gotta hear it from the Doc before I fully believe I am DONE with chemo. I'll be seeing him again on the 10th and we will see what he says. That'd be sweet.

Speaking of sweet... I made a rum cake this morning that I took with me to all the guys at my oncology place. It had about 2 cups of rum in it... soaked through the whole cake along with brown sugar and butter. I am saying DANG!. That went over well!

Lots of people ask what it is like to get chemo. I certainly didn't know before... that they put you on a table in a big cold room and pluck all your hair out, slowly.

Nah, not really. I go to a really nice building with my Doc's office... and many other Doctors and Nurses, Vampires, etc. Half the building is "The Chemo Room"... huge, long, full of T.V.'s and recliners. I can't be bothered with any news network and their bullshit so I plug in my MP3 player.

They get you all comfy and tuck blankets around you and pillows under your head and hook you up to an I.V. They give you several easy meds, for nausea and allergic reactions. I think the allergic reaction medicine may be sort of not that necessary.. but taking Benedril by I.V. puts all the patients to sleep. It knocks me out like Mike Tyson for about an hour... I fought it today for a while but I finally caved and had a short nap. So after about 4 or 5 different medicines, they start the chemo I.V. and that takes a about 2.5 hours... It doesn't hurt. I will feel pretty good tomorrow and kinda poopie Saturday and Sunday... I will put in a lot of couch time like this picture... my dog, Birdie holds me down on the couch.

Its a little boring but the nurses come in and make you laugh and we have some fun. I was limited from where I was sitting to take any decent pictures. It is sorta fancy schmancie.

And the people that work here are mostly awesome. My Doc's nurse, Corey, is the most supportive and encouraging person I have ever met. I don't know how she does it but she makes people feel like they will be fine and it really, truly helps. Not just me, but she spreads her special magic all around to each patient. I haven't met anyone that is the stereo typical, calloused type... (except for the "former" receptionist... but that is another story).

Really though, their job is hard and they put their hearts into helping people, not just their knowledge an expertise... that too but... they really put their hearts into it.

So I made them a kick-ass buttery, sugary rum cake, still warm from the oven, cause that is how I love people.

And then I took this picture, trying to capture the awesome sunset while driving home in busy traffic on a 2 lane, double yellow lines, curvy road... with my arm out of the window and my camera backwards... cause that's how I drive.

The spirit of Christmas

I just realized what I am doing. I subconsciously want and try to make my holidays like it was when I was a girl. I want every kid to feel like I felt with my family at Christmas. I want to be the person they remember in their childhood that made Christmas feel so special.
I want to be like Aunt Florence.

Living out in the cotton patch was great but our time spent with our cousins and aunts and uncles was very limited because of living in the sticks and both parents working, etc. Family gatherings when I was little were extra special and were always spent at my Aunt Florence's home in W. Memphis.

My recollection is of a sprawling ranch style house with a fire place and den and huge living room and dining room. The dining room was completely filled with the dining table, open to its fullest girth, using all the leaves... draped in a festive holiday table cloth and literally covered to the groaning point with Christmas delicacies worthy of visions dancing in the head.

Everywhere were decorations.... a bright Christmas tree with mounds of presents that I wanted desperately to investigate...poinsettia floral arrangements dusted in glitter and draped with silver icicles. The front door was completely wrapped with a Christmas covering that appeared as if Santa were opening the door to the home and welcoming you in. (50's trompe l'oeil). Even the toilet seat had a Christmas cover. WWJD?
There were Hershey's silver wrapped chocolate kisses... it seemed to me there were dishes of them everywhere. I can remember walking into Aunt Florence's home, wide eyed at the wonder of it all.

(To be continued)

Just a few responses

I am not sure how to reply to posts on this blog, and I always want to.... so I thought I'd try this method of replying to a few of the most recent comments...

I grew up in the middle of a cotton field, about 20 miles from Memphis, TN.

A great deal of my family on my father's side, still live in the area. I became sort of a rolling stone for a while and lost touch with them. With the advent of Facebook, we have really reconnected and it has been wonderful. I have reconnected with lifelong friends too, and there is nothing better is there? Friends and family. What a treasure I have.

Dear Aunt Mary Frances,

I don't know about being a "wonder" but I certainly have some good genes! So, thanks!

I appreciate your sweet comments and concern, always. You have always been one of my favorite aunts. Please give Uncle Sam a hug for me.

Dear Cousin Dixie,

Tell Sid that I thought the saying was "Dumb as a box of hammers"! LOL! You don't realize how much it means to me to read a post from you and feel your love and prayers.I am a huge believer in their power and that is what has gotten me this far without falling apart. I am not losing touch with any of you... and until we meet again, please know how much a appreciate and love you.

Dear Big Ry,

How'd you get to be so sweet?? You' didn't get it from me... Thanks for being there.

I Love you and yours!

Dear Joni Clair,

There was a big hole in my heart when we lost touch for so many years. Facebook is goofy, I suppose but it reconnected me with a dear, old friend.

I chose to tell you what I was going through because I know what a loving and spiritual person you are. And I have always considered you my friend, through all the years. I also figured you had a hotline attached to your prayers because God couldn't not listen to a sweet soul like yours. Thank you for being here with me through this. I wish we were next door neighbors.

Oh, and I am listening to the J.T. Christmas album as I write. : D

XO

Dear T,

Never miss a beat. I can not see or talk to you for years and when I do, its always like we never stopped. You have really always been there for me and thank you angel, for doing it again. Thank you for visiting our little boy's resting place. I know he loves you as much as I do.

P.S. You're right. I must have been think of birthday... I was 26. A million lifetimes ago, huh.

Dear Nena,

You are there for me in a way that only a sister could be. You know how I am feeling before I do. And with your love and support, you rose to the occasion bringing every sort of magic that made me feel better and better.

How do you thank someone for that? I just plain don't know.

Love and hugs...

Through the last few months, I have felt a little like a pawn on a chess board, hopping from place to place, trying not to get plucked out of the game. Sometimes, a pawn can make it across the board and be given a new life. That is how I feel right now, like I get to have a life.

I know, I know... stuff can come back but I never actually admitted to having it in the first place so I sure as hell ain't about to call it back.

I don't know why I have been lassoed with this situation, it is a quandary.. but rather than dwell on that, I want to dwell on what I have been allowed... I get to live.

Allowing yourself

When I was little, I was told that day dreaming was a bad thing. Dazing out of a big open window at the school we attended... watching a bird or a cloud.. was something I shouldn't do. (I should have been more interested in long division I suppose) It was generally understood that my time would have been better spent memorizing some stupid rule of grammar (I just had to use spellcheck to spell grammar correctly) that had thirteen contradictions (I before E expect after C) or what year they fought the War of 1812.

I still love to day dream. I can spend time at home alone, puttzing around in my quiet home and day dream all day. I am still a very good pretender. And, it isn't bad at all.

If you wanted to try, why not pretend exactly what kind of day you want to have tomorrow. To the absolute letter, think of just having a perfect day. If you have to go to work and are already complaining.... stop and think of how you can have the perfect day at work. (it can happen) Feel how happy you are just to feel like that. Now, wake up tomorrow and go for it! It is like placing an order to the universe for exactly what you want and the universe is alwaus listening....and it will provide exactly what you are putting out there. If you claim to always have a terrible day at work, guess what.... you will!
Day dreaming is always fun to do and never about imagining anything bad. It is always imagining wonderful things when you day dream. Einstein said that imagination is more important than knowledge.

You can't actually read it..... but it is right under this picture.

You may believe that you always have a bad day at whatever you do but you can throw that thought right out the door! Your past knowledge of bad days is now just a thought.

SO change the thought. Imagine the very best day. See what happens.

The next step

Apologies for my delay in writing. It is hard to believe that it has almost been a month since the surgery! I am healing nicely. The oncologist told me that the tumor marker (CA-125) is down to about 300. Tumer markers are like a gas gauge on the car. It is a simple blood test that shows the level of your particular type of cancer. I started at 16,000. Dr. Canova recently told me that when we first met, I broke his heart ...so I guess he didn't know what the outcome would be because 16,000 is wicked high. I had no idea. Now I know that normal is between 1 and 15... so damn, it was high! And 300 is too high still so I start chemo again today. This should be my next to last treament for awhile. The good news is that without all the real estate the surgeon removed, the chemo really targets the remaining cancer.
Now, I have a question for you guys... obviously I started this blog because of the cancer and my inability to actually "speak" about it. I have always felt more comfortable with writing than with talking. I will be done with cancer in a few more weeks. We will continue to monitor the CA-125, watching for any rise in those numbers so we will know if it comes back... but for the most part, I will be done. (Isn't that amazing?!) The deal is, I don't really want to stop blogging! I love talking to all of you through this computer. So, I am thinking of starting a new blog... and I want to know what you think.
Since I was a very young girl, I have dealt with a lot of death. My beloved grandfather died when I was only 4 or 5. My Aunt Florence, the definition of everything that is Christmas to me, passed away when I was about 11. My dad, when I was 13. My son, when I was 22. How this effected me was to realize how fragile life is... how much we all take for granted and how quickly our little worlds can change.
Well, that is sad, but I eventually realized that I had received so much from these people that could never go away and that if I didn't get something positive out of the deaths, they would be wasted. That they would have died for nothing. What I got out of their deaths was to simply realize all of this. Life is fragile. Appreciate everything in your life, every day. (every second of every day!) With each of those experiences, I carved out a deeper well of appreciation. But, we do get complacent and need reminders every now and again. My fling with cancer has tested me and my resolve. My well of appreciation is deep and full and I am strongly reminded of how fragile even my life is.
You are my number one, center of all that I appreciate right now. You. If you were here and I could hold you, we could cry together for each other. I love you. Thank you for being with me through all of this. I haven't actually cried since I was diagnosed... but tears are falling now, my friend.

All my love...

What a difference a day makes...

Okay. The very worst part of the entire ordeal is behind us. Hoooray!!!!

Charlie was taking pictures for me and I knew he'd turn that camera on me, but I was ready with the hood!

I know I have said about 3 million times how much I LOVE my doctors and Good Samaritan Hospital... it just doesn't get any better than that! This picture (above) is from my hospital room window. That is Palm Beach across the waterway. So... all in all, I have to say... that I hope I NEVER have to go in there again or have any kind of surgery again, ever. Never, ever. LOL! Who does, right?

Everything went as planned. They popped me open and took out all sorts of stuff. Literally took everything out, that they can physically be removed and combed through me, covering every square inch looking for bad stuff hiding in there. They removed the whole baby making apparatus, a mass in my lower abdomen and the spleen and I don't know what else... stapled me shut and sent me on my way.

I was in the hospital for 5 days and on the fifth day, I got up at 3 am and began getting ready to come home. (I am moving sort of slow) I wanted to be ready when the doctors made their rounds. And you cannot sleep in a hospital anyway. When they finally came in around 2 pm, I had my bags packed and my clothes/make-up on and was ready to go so what could they do?? I had done really well, only running a slight fever for a short time... and I was ready to beg if necessary. Thankfully, they released me. I can be pretty pathetic... : D

Home. Oh my Lord, home was never better and just what I needed. I have never been more tired. My home is based almost entirely on comfort. I worked in the furniture business for several years and collected some wonderful, down and feather filled, poofy furniture that will just swallow you up and it was exactly what I needed. That and a bunch of really old, corny movies. I have hardly moved in two days. Sitting at my desk is not so comfy so... I will cut this short if you don't mind.

Can I also say right here.... that all the single ladies... ya'll can just hang it up, okay, because I have the single most awesome husband ever. Sorry.

Charlie barely left my side and gave love and support through some pretty gruesome shit. I won't go into any further details here... but trust me, he is the very best man in the Universe!

I love him so much and I would not have been able to get through it at all without him and his loving support.

My heart breaks for lonely and forgotten souls lying in their hospital beds with no one to make them laugh or get them up to walk, even if it is only 15 feet... or bring them Burger King milk shakes or the 10 ga-zillion things he did for me.

My cup runneth over.

Thank you all so much for the prayers. I really feel it all coming together.

The next step... three more rounds of chemo and more tests...

Bring it!

a spa in w palm...

With permission from Billie, I am adding some info to bring you all up to date . . . don't expect any snappy repertoire - "Just the facts, ma'am" !
From the "Hubby" . . . . . . .

The surgery was successful in the sense that it accomplished in one day what 4 to 5 months of chemo could do. She still has a ways to go (3 more chemo's) before we have a clear picture overall.

Good Sam is a great hospital and she has a great bunch of docs and nurses. She is doing fine. She is motivated to be up and walking around and does so every chance she can. She seems to be recovering ahead of schedule thus far and we expect her to be home by Tuesday at the latest.

Billie is a remarkable woman with a positive attitude and she constantly amazes me. She will write to you all to let you know of her experience as soon as she can. She just asked me to give you all a heads up in case you were wondering how she was doing.

Thanks for the prayers and support!
Charlie

Next Thursday

My surgeon is three doctors rolled into one. He is a surgeon, he is an oncologist and he is a gynecologist. That is a lot of school, can't even imagine how much time and not to mention, brains. I have another doctor, my oncologist and he has the greatest respect for my surgeon. I have yet another doctor, my family doctor whom I adore and he has the greatest respect for both of the a fore mentioned docs and he considers me to be more than a patient, but a person he genuinely cares for... I couldn't ask to be more surrounded with everything I need.
I am going to spend a couple of nights at Good Samaritan Hospital in W. Palm on the 7th. They will remove some things I totally do not need anymore and have a close look around while they are there. I am confident in having a perfect outcome.
Soon, this will all be behind us and I can get busy with the holidays around the corner. I love having tons of people gorging themselves with food at my home with twinkle lights everywhere. You're all invited!
Do me a huge favor and don't even think about coming to the hospital or sending flowers and cards. I know you are all with me and I thank you, I truly do... I have plenty of people to help and all I want to do is rest and get out of there. And put on my make up and cover up my bald head. : D Call me vain. Okay, whatever.
Instead.... send flowers to your wife or husband or aunt... send a note , by a bottle of good wine and snuggle up around a fall fire. (preferably outside, in the woods with fall leaves, mountains and marshmallows...). Smile, be happy and don't worry about it. Its all good.

Saw the Surgeon ..... now that is funny

Another test Thursday... but surgery is coming soon. Can't occur before a month after my last chemo which would put it somewhere around the 7th of Oct. Fine with me. They can have it all, right now.


When I started first grade at Crawfordsville.... what? High School? I don't know, but we went... first through 12 grade... all together and it was grand!
Anyway, when I started first grade.. oh, I remember many things... I'd grown up in moderate isolation until then. We rode the bus and we were the first on and the last off in the afternoon. We were the furthest children in the back cotton fields at that time. Probably a suberb now but back then... it was isolation.

I can so remember my first day of first grade. What my Mom wore, how my teacher looked and the other kids... what a marvel. There was a petite girl, and she looked like a princess. She had long golden curls and the sweetest smile you'd ever seen. An adorable child. Her name was Joni.
I knew that I loved elementary school. I loved it.
Carlye and I were the back row center of ever photograph. I was tall and thin, Carlye was tall and healthym, for a girl. We became life long friends by merely asking each other if they wanted to be friends. I remember that simple moment as the purest definition of utter trust. "I will be your friend, do you want to be mine?" . My father, my brother and my sister all had the same third grade teacher, Miz Sarah. She'd retired just before I entered third grade.

In first grade, my brother was a senior and in a band (So cool I thought) and just barely made the football team so that we had enough people to even make a team. If anyone was injured or couldn't play, the game was a forfeit. When my brother graduated, there were I believe, eleven of people in th egraduationg class. The whole senior class of Crawfordsville and I was the flower girl ... it should have been Joni.

It was a sweet age and I wouldn't change where and how I grew up for the world.

I still love both Carlye and Joni and I always will.

Patience is a virtue, ya'll.

Visiting Dr. Canova

Dr. Canova is the sweetest man. He is fairly young and extremely smart but there is more. You can tell he has seen a lot. Therefor, he is reserved, unlike myself and his adorable nurse, Cory, who is more of a spaz like me. Cory had already called me and told me my test results were very, very good. She had faxed them to me but they aren't exactly easy to read so I waited for Dr. Canova who will tirelessly explain everything.
My original tests had shown cancer from my lower abdomen to my neck. From my lower abdomen, it showed up on my spleen, liver, lungs, and many lymph nodes that headed north. That was how we discovered it, by a small lump on my neck. Now, most of the lymph nodes are clear, nothing on the lungs or liver but still a cystic mass in my lower abdomen and something on my spleen. Dr. Canova seemed very pleased. We still have a way to go. I have completed 5 rounds and have an appointment with the surgeon on next Tuesday and he will call the shots now. It seems surgery is eminent although the when is up in the air.
There is a limit to how much chemo one can handle. I have handled it really very easily. Some people aren't so lucky. I can't even imagine going through all of this and not having cancer reduced. I am a lucky girl. But, chemo is tough on a person physically and there are "cumulative toxins" involved and the neuropathy... numbness in your extremities.. finger tips, toes.. a side effect that doesn't go away.
I am in a holding pattern until Tuesday. I am in good hands and have loving support all around me.
That is because of each of you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
P.S. the one eyelash is still hanging in there.... : )

Pen Pals

I don't remember ever having had a real pen pal when I was a kid, but I do remember wanting one. (I probably made one up in my head and wrote letters to them... : 0)

The office where I work has a cleaning crew that comes every two weeks. The owner of the company is a lovely woman named Eve. One Monday morning after they had cleaned over the weekend, I came into the office and found a note from Mateo, Eve's son. It gave a little brief history of his life and also asked that we try not to make a big mess for his Mom to have to clean up. Isn't that adorable. Well, I had to write him back. I asked several questions about his age, school, whether he had a pet...and I left the note on the counter. It laid around on the front desk of the office for weeks. My hopes for a pen pal were fading fast. I came into work last Wednesday and found a reply from Mateo.

Just in case you can't read the note it says, "Thank you, Billie and yes I do have a pet. He is a dog and my favorite book is Dr. Seuss and my favorite movie is Spider-man. I am 2 and 3. Thank you for asking all these questions. I hope you feel good and I feel a little sad about you, and feel better.

P.S. I am in 3rd grade.

Bye

I will pray for you Mateo Aguirre"

It just doesn't get stronger than that does it.

P.S.

A bunch of you write to my email address with your comments, thoughts, love and feelings and they are all so beautiful. I want everyone to read what you write to me. You should really post your comments on this blog and share your words and feelings with others. It helps everybody that way, right? Mateo certainly brightened my life. I bet he brightened yours too.

Plugging along...

Chemo number five went down like a champ on Tuesday. No problems, no side effects.
Had a great day at work Wednesday with an extra 27 or so people in for training. It was a lot of fun. Most of them I had talked with on the phone and finally got to meet. Getting ready for the second day of training today (breakfast, coffee, snacks, lunch... a Party!, and then we will settle down to normal again.
Just wanted you to know I am still kickin.
PET Scan today at 4:30 with results from that in about 4 days.
Saw the most awesome sunset coming home last night... Having a life threatening disease will hardly leave your mind so when you see something so beautiful, you do take it in a bit more. You can't help but think to yourself... "Well, if this is one of the last few sunsets I will have, I am really going to take it all in." and you know, that is not a bad way to live... cause you just never know. Life is full of beauty and wonder. It is all around you, every minute. Take it all in.

Laborious Day

Saturday, Sunday til about 1 pm and all day Monday we have worked on our kitchen putting in bead board (which I had previously painted) on all the walls and around the cabinets and also replacing the trim around the windows and the edges of the new bead board, which was my task.

We are more than half way there... and good Lord above, I respect a trim carpenter.

Sunday afternoon, my grandson, Ryan came home with Charlie and spent the night. What an adorable, happy child.

Baby Ryan is rockin that bandanna in solidarity.

I have chemo tomorrow and a busy week of work after that. I will also have more tests done later in the week and then have appointments with my doctors the week after that when they decide my near fate.

Chemo is not too bad, at least not for me. I have heard of people that lose a lot of weight and get pneumonia, etc. but I am still feeling really good. For a week or so after I am really tired and achy, and my taste buds go haywire( even water tastes weird) but then I get back to normal.

And I am grateful for a day when I can't do much of anything but sit in a recliner for 5 or 6 hours. I have a project I am working on... that requires a lot of sorting and gluing, so... perfect.

I am grateful for so many thing. My husband who solemnly recommends that we do not go into a construction business together... My Mom who wants to come over 15 times a day to "See the progress" and ask 15 million questions while I am trying to figure out a miter cut... and then makes blackberry cobbler. I am grateful for my incredible family, stretched all over the world and their loving support. I am grateful for my bald head... even though I still bend over when I get out of the shower to put a towel around my head. (?) I am grateful for the maybe twenty total eyelashes I have left. There is one eyelash on the lower part of my left eye... just one... and it is hanging on for dear life, so... I put mascara on it. "Go on you single eyelash... you be proud!"

I am grateful for the guys at work. They take me and what is going on in stride and treat me normal. And they can be so sweet. It must be weird for them too.

I have so many things I am grateful for and you know... I do not feel like a victim here. Not for one minute. I haven't shed a tear over having cancer. I am waiting. What comes next?

Some days

Some days it is just gloomy outside... you don't want to go to work... or it is just really nice outside... and you don't want to go to work.

Not that there is a list of things to do at home necessarily, well... there is always that.... but dealing with work and the pressures and deadlines and feeling of ambiguity make you question why you are at work and not in an ashram or butterfly garden or in a yoga class rather than dealing with out-of-order printers and trying to be polite for 30 minutes with a customer who wants to purchase one, 32 oz bottle of our product...

I have a few offers from some old employees that would give me plenty of work to do at home. (I did write for a small publicatioin for almost 10 years) and I could also travel with my hubbie... when he has to travel for work. He is in Alaska right now and I am wishing I were with him.

Given my current situation, the outcome of which is sort of unknown... more chemo, surgery.. radiation... blah, blah, blah...
What would you do?

Chance meetings

Yesterday I stopped for gas on my way to work. The gas pump printer was on the fritz and I had to run into the station to get my receipt. As I waited in line for a minute.. I felt the urge to get pissed off. Impatience began to kick in as the cashier chatted away with someone in front of me. Clock ticking... getting late for work... I took a deep breath and wondered "okay.. why am I here?" I turned to look behind me at the next person in line. He nodded a "good morning ma'am" and asked how I was feeling... being bald and wearing bandannas are kind of a give away... but I answered that I was fine and asked how he was doing... "Yes ma'am, I'm doin jest fine too".. he smiled and looked down a little embarrassed.
My mind reeled back to a day in Clarkesville, MS when I'd stopped at the local grocery to find myself stepping into a time machine and whisked back to the 50's. An old black man quickly stepped aside to hold the door for me, removing his hat and dipping his head down, with no eye contact. Like a scene from Gone with the Wind... I felt embarrassed and sad.
So, the man at the Mobil station began to speak to his boss, who'd just stuck his head in the door to ask if he'd filled the truck with gas. "Yessir boss, I did jest like you said." It was 8 am and this man looked tired as hell. He held some crappy gas station food and shuffled apologetically as though he'd done something wrong. His work clothes were in sad shape and dirty. I don't know where he'd slept but the conditions of this man's life were not too hot. I got my receipt and turned to leave. The man reached out and touched my shoulder. I turned and looked into his watery eyes and in a low voice he said, "I pray that God blesses you, ma'am." I looked into his face again and thought of his situation and how he was thinking about mine...
"Thank you and may God bless your sweet soul" I replied and walked out into the blinding morning sunshine.
One minute you're pissed and the next you're blessed and now I carry him in my heart.

Start your day !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STKkWj2WpWM&feature=related
(click on this link)




Just saying you are in my prayers too... everyday.
: D

All is well

Fourth round down! No problem. Feeling fine and my blood count that had previously shown anemia was in the normal range. (sweet) So I suppose all the extra supplements etc. are paying off which is awesome!

No other health news to report. Another pet scan in a few weeks.

Share the blog...

Post Script....
Just so you know... I don't mind if anyone wants to share this blog with other people.
I am okay with talking about what's going on, it is just easier to keep everyone up to date this way rather than trying to talk to everyone individually... and maybe the blog might help someone, who knows. : D

In my life

About a half mile from my house, this road takes you to the beach. The trees are Banyans and form a canopy along the road and over the bridge that crosses the Intracoastal to the barrier island.

On my drive to work, if I take the scenic route... this is what I see... driving south, down Jupiter Island. It takes much longer to go this way but is well worth it. It is like driving through a beautiful, well manicured garden.

The rich and the famous have homes along this stretch of barrier island that curves along the mainland from Hobe Sound, where I live, to the Jupiter Inlet. Privately enveloped by walls of tall ficus shrub, you may only get a glimpse of a few houses as you slowly drive by.


Whoever lives here has a perfect spot on the Atlantic... but all the entrances are very private and secluded.

Lots of famous golfers have homes here... and the Fords, as in Motor Company... and one of the Johnsons... from Johnson & Johnson...

I catch a glimpse of the ocean, with my windows down and my camera sticking out of the window... and in the top right corner of the picture, I catch a dragonfly saying "good morning!" My sister tells me these are spirits... that is cool.

I have been told that this house is a two bedroom...

I think of having to vacuum it. LOL!

How could I not feel wonderful ? Every day is beautiful. My heart is so full. My body feels strong and healthy. My spirits are high.

Of course there is another way to look at things... there is always that...

but I can choose to look at things the way I want to. I choose HAPPY.

We all have this choice, everyday. Everyday I just keep choosing happy and so far... it is really working.

In my life and in yours, I know there is an infinity of everything through some cosmic connection to a higher self. Love, health, happiness, wealth, joy... or pain, suffering, loneliness, depression.

My song is inspired by life all around me: it wells up in me as gratitude for all I have... what God or Spirit or the Universe... has made, including my own self. I have been given a spirit of joy that carries me through whatever challenges I face.

4th Chemo Tuesday. This could be my half-way point. YEAH!

LOVE YOU ALL!

Billie

Pictures of the oil spill & then some

Nena and Alan's abode.







Bernice and Shugie.

My honey pie, Charlie and Nena's hubbie, Alan out for a cruise.


Okay, I promise not to get on my soapbox today....but as you can see... the water in Destin is clear as a bell... from that beautiful emerald green to deep azure blue and the sand, like sugar.




No OIL.




It was a great visit. We had wonderful shrimp gumbo and drove thru all the new developements in the area in Nena and Alan's Jeepster. I practiced my prom queen wave. Mom had a great time too. I think it gave her some confidence about being able to get out and about.

Just wanted to share a photo or two now that I have figured out how to load them. : D

Have a great day!

Billie & Bernice

Falling behind in my blog....

So, normally after chemo I go to see my Oncologist within about 5 days. I saw Dr. Canova on Monday. No really huge news this time but he seemed pretty pleased with how well I am handling chemo and not taking any of the additional drugs. Lord knows 5hours of intravenous drugs pumping into a body is more than enough. I am a little anemic but will just have to get out the iron skillet! Since I am handling it well, he may continue with the chemo for 8 rounds rather than 6 but definite plans haven't been made. Just have to wait and see.
I love the posts you guys put on my blog. If I ever have a glimmer of poopiness during a day, I can always take a second to read some of them and I perk up immediately. My family in the Memphis area that I haven't seen in way too long feels as close as my next door neighbor. Friends from as long ago as first grade still keeping me going. I appreciate you all so much. Much love to you all.

Snoopy's tap dance

Had my third chemo on Tuesday of last week. I decided after the first and second round that I wouldn't take any of the medications for nausea and pain they provide you to take after chemo and guess what... I felt better and got through the rough patch quicker than ever. So... Snoopy tap dance for me!!
Going to see the onc Doc tomorrow. I think he will do blood tests to see whats going on and will report back.
Sorry for the lag time in blogging. I have had several calls, emails etc. and didn't mean to alarm anyone. I am fine as frog hair and getting finer.
I hate to keep reporting the same old thing... blah blah chemo, blah blah testing, blah blah yucky days...
The truth is I still feel great and am loving life. I have an absolutely wonderful life... great husband, wonderful kids, adorable grandchildren, just all around great family. I am proud.
The thing is, I can't say, "I am going to kick this cancer's ass" because I don't know if I will or not. I will try my best but it's not "my" will be done, ya know?
I can promise this, if it is my time to go, I will handle that too. It is not like I'd be doing something I am not going to do sooner or later anyway... so I am sort of resigned to that. My life so far has been pretty wonderful and I have everything to be grateful for and I am.
I don't really believe in a one shot deal sort of life. I don't believe that you are born and you live and die and go to heaven or hell, end of story. I don't even actually believe in hell. Heaven I am still kind of hoping for! I respect tradition but I don't believe it is always the truth. I think we do come back time and again to live a life, often with the same people, with a common goal, to get to be the very best person you can be... I may need a few more lives to work on it. : D
I am not afraid. I don't fear death... and honestly, kind of look forward to it. I am not in a hurry to get there, but I am just here now and we'll see what happens. I am not in control, nor is anyone else... although there are many people you may never convince of that... they probably have ulcers.
I feel surrounded at all times with love and help and understanding and comfort and encouragment. I put familiar faces to these feelings and like to think of them as communications with others in my family that have died but are still very much alive. It is an amazing thing.

Quiet Sunday

Life flows by in a blur sometimes and I love every second of it.

Destin was was such a great trip. It had been too long since I had visited the area, my sister and her hubbie.

Signs of the times that got my back up....

1. The beaches are as pristine as ever.
2. Working people there are struggling to stay in biz.
3. The news media in general should be categorized as a terrorist.
4. BP is at least trying.

DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU HEAR OR SEE ON CNN. There was no oil on the beaches and they are virtually empty of visitors (especially for high season) except for droves of local people, hired by BP to patrol the beaches for oil. I am only one person but I can tell you that you could see more balls at a Indigo Girls concert than on the beach at Destin.

No tar, no oil, no tourists, no more Destin... before too long. PLEASE go to the Emeral Coast and tell your friends to go. It is tough to compete with the advertising power of CNN but I am trying to help.

It is sad to see people losing their businesses after struggling through Katrina, et al.
Break any habit you may have of turning on any news station, including the weather channel for a while. You will be a happier person for it and you will still know what is going on, trust me... News flash, Lindsay Lohan is going down like the spoiled, media hyped, desperate person you already knew she was with access to too much of everything. Personally, I can't help her and don't really give a rats ass. Please, oh please let the Kardashian's be next!

I know of one friend of my sister's that owns a beach business of renting chairs, umbrellas, etc. on a gorgeous spot on the beach. She took her financial info to BP to show them how much she'd lost since the oil episode. They cut her a check on the spot (damn) and and are mailing her an additional check that will get her back on her feet and where she needs to be.

At any rate, it was a beautiful trip and not too physically hard... much good food and vist'n. Mom laughed so much, and that was awesome.

More test results show that the cancer is shrinking. We are on the right track and responding well. More chemo in order.. at least 4 more sessions and then another series of tests for evaluation. Tuesday the 27 is chemo day.

When I came home from Destin, one of my oldest and dearest friends came down from Memphis with her hubbie for a visit. Lynn and Rogers had been down about 4-5 years ago and we'd had a bunch of fun. This time, Lynn said she just wanted to rub my bald head and "Wish Cotton was a monkey". ... but we never got around to that.
More vist'n, more eating and lots of laughs. Lynn felt better after seeing me and I think she was a little surprised, or maybe just relieved to see that I am happy.
I really am happy.

Honestly, I haven't felt sad... well... except maybe about losing my hair, ("vanity, vanity, thy name is Billie")

On the whole, I really feel almost privileged. In the weird way my brain is dealing with all this, I feel like I must be pretty special to be dished out a load like this one... and the real challenge is more the ability to be able to bear it gracefully and come out a better person as a result. It is that old saying, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" and I feel stronger. I feel alive. I try to really live every second of everyday. Its fun! What an awesome opportunity to be reminded that we are all finite human beings and shouldn't take a moment for granted. And what a way to re-connect! Get cancer and people you haven't had a chance to be closer with in a long while are right there for you! Family, friends, emails, cards, prayers, love... and it is all great.

As always, your comments and support and prayers all serve to fuel my outlook. I can't thank you enough.

New Photo!

Okay, I apologize.... but thought it best to get this outta the way.....I changed my profile picture to one that is more....timely!
Charlie took a photo of my wittle bitty bald head and here you go!
Love and big hugs,
Billie

Opppsss... I got behind....

Apologies for not writing sooner... my home computer has been on the fritz.
Lets see.... had another chemo session Tuesday the 6th followed by a pretty yucky week. No biggie. They're juggling meds to find something mild enough to not make me more sick and strong enough to ... not make me more sick. The practice of medicine...
The one thing I want to share is that they did some blood work, "tumor markers" that I do not have a great understanding of, but they use them to gauge how much cancer...there is. I started (and I did not know this or at least it didn't soak in) with a CA 125, which is the type of cancer I think, of 16,000. It is down to 4000. That means it is reduced already by 75%. (Thanks to my 6th grade math teacher, Mrs. Pyland) Now, normal is between 1 and 16 so I have a way to go, but that is good freaking news to me.
For the first time, I am allowing myself to think I may get through this.
I am as bald as a baby's butt. The short hair cut lasted two days and it was time for the buzz. Then Charlie bought me a little head shaver... too cool. It looks like a race car and the blade curves so it races over your head. I like it! I can't quit rubbing my head!!
We are taking my Mom to see my sister for a long weekend. Mom hasn't hardly been out of Hobe Sound since she moved here and we haven't seen Nena in a couple of years so I had the opportunity and am taking it. It will be great and I will report back soon.
I can't tell you all how much I have appreciated your comments... your prayers and your love. More than any drug, it is your love that has kept me breathing, I promise.

Learning to let go and be independent : )

Yesterday, I cut my hair really short... It had gotten really thin and looked like I was going through a nuclear winter, so I got my scissors and went to town. My joke of the day was when someone would say, "Oh your hair looks cute!" .. I'd grab a little tuft which came out easily and say, "Thanks, would you like some?" My husband cracked up but my Mom didn't quite see the humor. I have to get a camera and post some pics. My far away friends and family should get a load of this. I may have to shave it off tomorrow... I am shedding worse than my yellow lab, Birdie. It is apropos that on 4th of July weekend, its time to learn to not be dependent on hair...

I also joined a forum for women with ovarian cancer. Its just that there are so many questions I want to ask and while my doctor is extremely patient and thorough... sometimes you just want to hear it from another woman who is or has been there. What I have learned is that this is a long thing to fight because of the rate of recurrence and the survival stats just aren't that good...less than 40%... but hey, someone has to make the 40%, right?

It is weird because there is a part of me that wants to be accepting and sort of brace myself for the chance that I may not make it. Then there is the other side of the coin that makes me want to refuse to accept it and kick some ass. I think you'd call this a dichotomy.

I have physically been feeling really great. My next chemo is on Tuesday.

I am cramming my head full of wonderful, positive information through books, CDs, etc. And I have a whole posse of people out there who are keeping me in their thoughts and prayers and I know this helps to keep my spirits high.

My husband has got to be my strongest ally, best friend and the person who keeps me laughing. I am blessed with such a beautiful family and a ton of wonderful friends.

Who or what are you blessed with?

The art of losing your hair

My father loved for his girls to have long, pretty hair and said it was your crowning glory. I have always had fine, limp and thin straight hair. I can't tell you how much I have complained about it. Give me a perm, it burns and falls out.... trendy hair cuts send me to the hat store.... but now that it is falling out like rain on my shoulders... I kinda wish I had my fine thin limp hair back. Ain't it always the way.

I visited a wig shop Monday after work... tried on everything in there that was reasonable close to my hair color, length etc. The thing is, the wigs are all thick full hair (fishing line) and it makes my head look too big. The shop owner, Mrs. Hai, kept telling me... "It look good, look good! That is what all movie stars wear, you just don't know!"

I don't want to look like a bushy headed movie star... I just want to look like me.

I bought one... and convinced by Mrs. Hai that I should wear it home and that my husband wouldn't even know the difference... I walked in to the house and found my hubbie who took one look and burst out laughing. I did too. We were rolling. I think I may just have to rock the Sinead O'Conner look and accept that other people will just know I have a disease. I am not going to fool anyone with synthetics anyway.

For now, I still have enough hair to wear it as is...and I use some hair spray so as it falls out it is glued to my head and I don't leave a trail! LOL!
I still feel really great. My next chemo is on the 6th and I suppose what hair I have left will be gone shortly there after so I am getting my head around that.

I read online about young girls with cancer that have chemo and they are made sterile. Damn. I really don't have it that bad.

I love you all for your comments and posts. Thank you for your support and for maintaining a positive outlook for me. It is powerful stuff. Really powerful. Keep it coming.

What the Doc said today

So... I went to see Doctor Canova (I call him Dr. Casanova on the sly). All they really did was take some blood and check out how it was looking. Red blood cells; check. White blood cells; check. Platelettes; check. They're all there and within normal ranges which, they tell me is good. I have gone through the first week, well almost.. after chemo and survived just fine.
Dr. Canova is an interesting fellow. I have known some calloused doctors, but this guy is definitely not one of them. He is so sweet and takes such an unbelievable amount of time with us on each visit, it is unreal. When I felt like crap last Friday and called him, I talked first with his adorable nurse, Corey, and then he got on the telephone. He was sicker than I was! He sounded terrible, really. But he took the time to talk with me about how I was feeling for as long as was needed. Today, he felt much better, as did I... and he, Charlie and I had a long talk about what was coming.

Being "poorly differentiated carcinoma" apparently has its benefits. They are treating it like ovarian cancer and it is apparently responding although it is too soon to do tests to prove it. From the way I have been feeling, and the way it looks it is getting smaller.

He went over every detail he and we could think of... what I should eat, drink, feel... how I should sleep, what will happen when my hair begins to fall out... it is funny really, how much emotion is wrapped into something like your hair falling out and he was genuinely tender about it. If it falls out, it falls out. I am no Demi Moore and am under no false belief that I will look anywhere near as gorgeous as she looked bald... and I don't like the idea of it one little bit but... it is hair. It can grow back.

He talked about the "marathon" we have begun. He thinks I am doing great and have a huge positive attitude, but I get the feeling he doesn't believe in it 100%. He is wondering how long I can keep it up, I think. He talked about the first 6 sessions of chemo and then about more... maybe as many as 10. That would be the better part of a year of chemo treatments every three weeks. Maybe he has a point. After much time spent going over all these things, I said, "Dr. Canova, you can't tell me if I will be here next year, can you?" and he said no. But then he told me about a young patient whose brother came to see him today. He'd treated the brother and I assume he'd be doing well... when he was killed in a car accident.

Life is a fragile and very thin line that we balance upon between this world and the next. I have had the privilege of life experience that have helped me to understand this for a long time. When most of us are younger, we just can't grasp the fragility of life... but as we get older and go through a losing a few people... we start to get it.

We don't know what the world has in store for us and we should not take anything for granted. Not the time we have on this earth or the sunset tonight. I learned a long time ago not to take things for granted and it has greatly improved my life and been a blessing to me. What is here one day can easily be gone the next so... don't laugh at the sappiness of this but really, tell someone you love them... or tell them you don't if that is the truth! Live your life to the fullest every single day and have fun! Cram as much damned fun into every second of every day as you possibly can. If it isn't your last day... then bully for you and hopefully you will live a long life that has been crammed full of fun. Nothing wrong with that. : D

The good, the bad and the ugly...

It was a rough night. My fourth day after chemo and I had been feeling pretty darn good til Thursday afternoon... and I went down like a rock.
Everything hurt.

All I could think of was that this was how it was going to be for the next few months and I'd just had a delayed reaction.

I didn't go to work this morning and called into my Onc's office as soon as I could. When he called me back he explained that chemo works in a couple of ways... it can shrink the cancer or it can kill the cancer. When it kills the cancer, it is painful so this is good pain. It won't last for long and the chemo is apparently working.

Thanks so much to everyone for all the emails and comments. It means so much to me.

So the good is that it is working, the bad is that it hurts like a mother and the ugly... well, just be glad this isn't a video!

In the beginning...

With some trepidation, I start this blog, charting my course through an ordeal I am facing. It seems almost a little self serving... self important... and I would really hate it if that is how it comes off.

The purpose of the blog is to keep those interested, informed and to allow me some freedom from re-living each moment rather than living in the moment.

A few weeks ago, I was told that the lump I'd felt on my throat was cancer. So, okay.... now I deal with the elements.

The lump was my lymph nodes saying "Hello, you might want to have this checked out" ... so I went to see my wonderful Doctor. He heard the lymph nodes talking too and sent me to a surgeon to take a closer look. The surgeon's report took me to an oncologist who explained what was going on. The cancer is "poorly differentiated carcinoma". Apparently all cancer cells do not fall into an exact parameter and that is the case with mine. The cells appear to be closest to ovarian cancer cells, so that is how they will treat them. The cells are stage 4 on a scale of 1 to 4. Stage 1 is something like skin cancer and Stage 4 is more like, you get to have chemo, surgery and go bald... but it may not be fatal, although no one gets out alive. Not out of this world anyway.

Without going into the details too far, the current story is that we are starting with chemotherapy. The chemo was started on Monday, June 14 and took about 5 hours. It is a bunch of different types of meds given intravenously. They give you meds to keep you from having allergic reactions, which make you drowsy, and they give you meds to keep you from puking... (delicate, I know) and then they give you the hard stuff... which wasn't hard at all and didn't hurt or make me feel bad. I didn't even have a bruise. I left the clinic, drove home, had dinner and got in the hot tub with the hubbie. They tell me I will probably lose my hair... so expect that. Charlie wants me to have a variety of different wigs... in different colors.... next he'll have me speaking in different accents and dressing in little costumes... (just kidding)

The next day, I felt fine. I only worked a half day because my hubbie and I had to go to Coral Springs where my newest grandson was born!! All 9 lbs and 4 ozs of him! Whew! Great Job Kristen!!

Today I felt a little icky but no big deal.

I go back for chemo every three weeks for three sessions. I go to the Onc this coming Monday to find out how the cancer is responding. I think it is responding well... but I am no Onc. After the three sessions the oncologist will decide whether to change chemo, stay with the chemo, do surgery or punt.

The main thing is this... having a positive attitude is the most important thing I can do for myself. It isn't easy and when I have to talk to people about this, it is really a lot more difficult. People hear cancer and it frightens them, of course. Everyone knows someone with cancer or who's had cancer or who has died of cancer. But, every cancer is different and every person is different in the way they react to the cancer and to the chemo. That is the difficult part of cancer... you can't pin it down. If you read statistics of survival rates... it is based on the total population of people who've had cancer. I am not typical. I am (comparatively) young, in excellent health and have a good attitude and lots to live for.

But, I can't maintain the positive attitude I need if I have to dwell on this and repeat everything and take calls from long lost family members in tears... it really brings me down.

So, I am asking for a little help. I will post to this blog to keep everyone informed. Then no one will feel like they have to ask me how I am or wonder to themselves because I don't like to talk about it. It is much easier for me to write about it. And I like to joke about it. A little morbid maybe but hey, whatever gets you by.

So that is the story. I have been getting way to many calls at work and have never been good about cell phones... so just please read the blog. It will help me a lot, really. If there isn't a post, nothing has changed. I promise to write about any new info. I still have a lot of family and friends I haven't told about this yet, so please try to keep it on the DL for a little while.

And don't be sad. It makes me sad and I can't afford sadness right now. It is just something I have to deal with so, I'm dealing. I know you keep me in your prayers and I appreciate it. Don't stop. : D