The art of losing your hair

My father loved for his girls to have long, pretty hair and said it was your crowning glory. I have always had fine, limp and thin straight hair. I can't tell you how much I have complained about it. Give me a perm, it burns and falls out.... trendy hair cuts send me to the hat store.... but now that it is falling out like rain on my shoulders... I kinda wish I had my fine thin limp hair back. Ain't it always the way.

I visited a wig shop Monday after work... tried on everything in there that was reasonable close to my hair color, length etc. The thing is, the wigs are all thick full hair (fishing line) and it makes my head look too big. The shop owner, Mrs. Hai, kept telling me... "It look good, look good! That is what all movie stars wear, you just don't know!"

I don't want to look like a bushy headed movie star... I just want to look like me.

I bought one... and convinced by Mrs. Hai that I should wear it home and that my husband wouldn't even know the difference... I walked in to the house and found my hubbie who took one look and burst out laughing. I did too. We were rolling. I think I may just have to rock the Sinead O'Conner look and accept that other people will just know I have a disease. I am not going to fool anyone with synthetics anyway.

For now, I still have enough hair to wear it as is...and I use some hair spray so as it falls out it is glued to my head and I don't leave a trail! LOL!
I still feel really great. My next chemo is on the 6th and I suppose what hair I have left will be gone shortly there after so I am getting my head around that.

I read online about young girls with cancer that have chemo and they are made sterile. Damn. I really don't have it that bad.

I love you all for your comments and posts. Thank you for your support and for maintaining a positive outlook for me. It is powerful stuff. Really powerful. Keep it coming.

What the Doc said today

So... I went to see Doctor Canova (I call him Dr. Casanova on the sly). All they really did was take some blood and check out how it was looking. Red blood cells; check. White blood cells; check. Platelettes; check. They're all there and within normal ranges which, they tell me is good. I have gone through the first week, well almost.. after chemo and survived just fine.
Dr. Canova is an interesting fellow. I have known some calloused doctors, but this guy is definitely not one of them. He is so sweet and takes such an unbelievable amount of time with us on each visit, it is unreal. When I felt like crap last Friday and called him, I talked first with his adorable nurse, Corey, and then he got on the telephone. He was sicker than I was! He sounded terrible, really. But he took the time to talk with me about how I was feeling for as long as was needed. Today, he felt much better, as did I... and he, Charlie and I had a long talk about what was coming.

Being "poorly differentiated carcinoma" apparently has its benefits. They are treating it like ovarian cancer and it is apparently responding although it is too soon to do tests to prove it. From the way I have been feeling, and the way it looks it is getting smaller.

He went over every detail he and we could think of... what I should eat, drink, feel... how I should sleep, what will happen when my hair begins to fall out... it is funny really, how much emotion is wrapped into something like your hair falling out and he was genuinely tender about it. If it falls out, it falls out. I am no Demi Moore and am under no false belief that I will look anywhere near as gorgeous as she looked bald... and I don't like the idea of it one little bit but... it is hair. It can grow back.

He talked about the "marathon" we have begun. He thinks I am doing great and have a huge positive attitude, but I get the feeling he doesn't believe in it 100%. He is wondering how long I can keep it up, I think. He talked about the first 6 sessions of chemo and then about more... maybe as many as 10. That would be the better part of a year of chemo treatments every three weeks. Maybe he has a point. After much time spent going over all these things, I said, "Dr. Canova, you can't tell me if I will be here next year, can you?" and he said no. But then he told me about a young patient whose brother came to see him today. He'd treated the brother and I assume he'd be doing well... when he was killed in a car accident.

Life is a fragile and very thin line that we balance upon between this world and the next. I have had the privilege of life experience that have helped me to understand this for a long time. When most of us are younger, we just can't grasp the fragility of life... but as we get older and go through a losing a few people... we start to get it.

We don't know what the world has in store for us and we should not take anything for granted. Not the time we have on this earth or the sunset tonight. I learned a long time ago not to take things for granted and it has greatly improved my life and been a blessing to me. What is here one day can easily be gone the next so... don't laugh at the sappiness of this but really, tell someone you love them... or tell them you don't if that is the truth! Live your life to the fullest every single day and have fun! Cram as much damned fun into every second of every day as you possibly can. If it isn't your last day... then bully for you and hopefully you will live a long life that has been crammed full of fun. Nothing wrong with that. : D

The good, the bad and the ugly...

It was a rough night. My fourth day after chemo and I had been feeling pretty darn good til Thursday afternoon... and I went down like a rock.
Everything hurt.

All I could think of was that this was how it was going to be for the next few months and I'd just had a delayed reaction.

I didn't go to work this morning and called into my Onc's office as soon as I could. When he called me back he explained that chemo works in a couple of ways... it can shrink the cancer or it can kill the cancer. When it kills the cancer, it is painful so this is good pain. It won't last for long and the chemo is apparently working.

Thanks so much to everyone for all the emails and comments. It means so much to me.

So the good is that it is working, the bad is that it hurts like a mother and the ugly... well, just be glad this isn't a video!

In the beginning...

With some trepidation, I start this blog, charting my course through an ordeal I am facing. It seems almost a little self serving... self important... and I would really hate it if that is how it comes off.

The purpose of the blog is to keep those interested, informed and to allow me some freedom from re-living each moment rather than living in the moment.

A few weeks ago, I was told that the lump I'd felt on my throat was cancer. So, okay.... now I deal with the elements.

The lump was my lymph nodes saying "Hello, you might want to have this checked out" ... so I went to see my wonderful Doctor. He heard the lymph nodes talking too and sent me to a surgeon to take a closer look. The surgeon's report took me to an oncologist who explained what was going on. The cancer is "poorly differentiated carcinoma". Apparently all cancer cells do not fall into an exact parameter and that is the case with mine. The cells appear to be closest to ovarian cancer cells, so that is how they will treat them. The cells are stage 4 on a scale of 1 to 4. Stage 1 is something like skin cancer and Stage 4 is more like, you get to have chemo, surgery and go bald... but it may not be fatal, although no one gets out alive. Not out of this world anyway.

Without going into the details too far, the current story is that we are starting with chemotherapy. The chemo was started on Monday, June 14 and took about 5 hours. It is a bunch of different types of meds given intravenously. They give you meds to keep you from having allergic reactions, which make you drowsy, and they give you meds to keep you from puking... (delicate, I know) and then they give you the hard stuff... which wasn't hard at all and didn't hurt or make me feel bad. I didn't even have a bruise. I left the clinic, drove home, had dinner and got in the hot tub with the hubbie. They tell me I will probably lose my hair... so expect that. Charlie wants me to have a variety of different wigs... in different colors.... next he'll have me speaking in different accents and dressing in little costumes... (just kidding)

The next day, I felt fine. I only worked a half day because my hubbie and I had to go to Coral Springs where my newest grandson was born!! All 9 lbs and 4 ozs of him! Whew! Great Job Kristen!!

Today I felt a little icky but no big deal.

I go back for chemo every three weeks for three sessions. I go to the Onc this coming Monday to find out how the cancer is responding. I think it is responding well... but I am no Onc. After the three sessions the oncologist will decide whether to change chemo, stay with the chemo, do surgery or punt.

The main thing is this... having a positive attitude is the most important thing I can do for myself. It isn't easy and when I have to talk to people about this, it is really a lot more difficult. People hear cancer and it frightens them, of course. Everyone knows someone with cancer or who's had cancer or who has died of cancer. But, every cancer is different and every person is different in the way they react to the cancer and to the chemo. That is the difficult part of cancer... you can't pin it down. If you read statistics of survival rates... it is based on the total population of people who've had cancer. I am not typical. I am (comparatively) young, in excellent health and have a good attitude and lots to live for.

But, I can't maintain the positive attitude I need if I have to dwell on this and repeat everything and take calls from long lost family members in tears... it really brings me down.

So, I am asking for a little help. I will post to this blog to keep everyone informed. Then no one will feel like they have to ask me how I am or wonder to themselves because I don't like to talk about it. It is much easier for me to write about it. And I like to joke about it. A little morbid maybe but hey, whatever gets you by.

So that is the story. I have been getting way to many calls at work and have never been good about cell phones... so just please read the blog. It will help me a lot, really. If there isn't a post, nothing has changed. I promise to write about any new info. I still have a lot of family and friends I haven't told about this yet, so please try to keep it on the DL for a little while.

And don't be sad. It makes me sad and I can't afford sadness right now. It is just something I have to deal with so, I'm dealing. I know you keep me in your prayers and I appreciate it. Don't stop. : D