The spirit of Christmas

I just realized what I am doing. I subconsciously want and try to make my holidays like it was when I was a girl. I want every kid to feel like I felt with my family at Christmas. I want to be the person they remember in their childhood that made Christmas feel so special.
I want to be like Aunt Florence.

Living out in the cotton patch was great but our time spent with our cousins and aunts and uncles was very limited because of living in the sticks and both parents working, etc. Family gatherings when I was little were extra special and were always spent at my Aunt Florence's home in W. Memphis.

My recollection is of a sprawling ranch style house with a fire place and den and huge living room and dining room. The dining room was completely filled with the dining table, open to its fullest girth, using all the leaves... draped in a festive holiday table cloth and literally covered to the groaning point with Christmas delicacies worthy of visions dancing in the head.

Everywhere were decorations.... a bright Christmas tree with mounds of presents that I wanted desperately to investigate...poinsettia floral arrangements dusted in glitter and draped with silver icicles. The front door was completely wrapped with a Christmas covering that appeared as if Santa were opening the door to the home and welcoming you in. (50's trompe l'oeil). Even the toilet seat had a Christmas cover. WWJD?
There were Hershey's silver wrapped chocolate kisses... it seemed to me there were dishes of them everywhere. I can remember walking into Aunt Florence's home, wide eyed at the wonder of it all.

(To be continued)

Just a few responses

I am not sure how to reply to posts on this blog, and I always want to.... so I thought I'd try this method of replying to a few of the most recent comments...

I grew up in the middle of a cotton field, about 20 miles from Memphis, TN.

A great deal of my family on my father's side, still live in the area. I became sort of a rolling stone for a while and lost touch with them. With the advent of Facebook, we have really reconnected and it has been wonderful. I have reconnected with lifelong friends too, and there is nothing better is there? Friends and family. What a treasure I have.

Dear Aunt Mary Frances,

I don't know about being a "wonder" but I certainly have some good genes! So, thanks!

I appreciate your sweet comments and concern, always. You have always been one of my favorite aunts. Please give Uncle Sam a hug for me.

Dear Cousin Dixie,

Tell Sid that I thought the saying was "Dumb as a box of hammers"! LOL! You don't realize how much it means to me to read a post from you and feel your love and prayers.I am a huge believer in their power and that is what has gotten me this far without falling apart. I am not losing touch with any of you... and until we meet again, please know how much a appreciate and love you.

Dear Big Ry,

How'd you get to be so sweet?? You' didn't get it from me... Thanks for being there.

I Love you and yours!

Dear Joni Clair,

There was a big hole in my heart when we lost touch for so many years. Facebook is goofy, I suppose but it reconnected me with a dear, old friend.

I chose to tell you what I was going through because I know what a loving and spiritual person you are. And I have always considered you my friend, through all the years. I also figured you had a hotline attached to your prayers because God couldn't not listen to a sweet soul like yours. Thank you for being here with me through this. I wish we were next door neighbors.

Oh, and I am listening to the J.T. Christmas album as I write. : D

XO

Dear T,

Never miss a beat. I can not see or talk to you for years and when I do, its always like we never stopped. You have really always been there for me and thank you angel, for doing it again. Thank you for visiting our little boy's resting place. I know he loves you as much as I do.

P.S. You're right. I must have been think of birthday... I was 26. A million lifetimes ago, huh.

Dear Nena,

You are there for me in a way that only a sister could be. You know how I am feeling before I do. And with your love and support, you rose to the occasion bringing every sort of magic that made me feel better and better.

How do you thank someone for that? I just plain don't know.

Love and hugs...

Through the last few months, I have felt a little like a pawn on a chess board, hopping from place to place, trying not to get plucked out of the game. Sometimes, a pawn can make it across the board and be given a new life. That is how I feel right now, like I get to have a life.

I know, I know... stuff can come back but I never actually admitted to having it in the first place so I sure as hell ain't about to call it back.

I don't know why I have been lassoed with this situation, it is a quandary.. but rather than dwell on that, I want to dwell on what I have been allowed... I get to live.

Allowing yourself

When I was little, I was told that day dreaming was a bad thing. Dazing out of a big open window at the school we attended... watching a bird or a cloud.. was something I shouldn't do. (I should have been more interested in long division I suppose) It was generally understood that my time would have been better spent memorizing some stupid rule of grammar (I just had to use spellcheck to spell grammar correctly) that had thirteen contradictions (I before E expect after C) or what year they fought the War of 1812.

I still love to day dream. I can spend time at home alone, puttzing around in my quiet home and day dream all day. I am still a very good pretender. And, it isn't bad at all.

If you wanted to try, why not pretend exactly what kind of day you want to have tomorrow. To the absolute letter, think of just having a perfect day. If you have to go to work and are already complaining.... stop and think of how you can have the perfect day at work. (it can happen) Feel how happy you are just to feel like that. Now, wake up tomorrow and go for it! It is like placing an order to the universe for exactly what you want and the universe is alwaus listening....and it will provide exactly what you are putting out there. If you claim to always have a terrible day at work, guess what.... you will!
Day dreaming is always fun to do and never about imagining anything bad. It is always imagining wonderful things when you day dream. Einstein said that imagination is more important than knowledge.

You can't actually read it..... but it is right under this picture.

You may believe that you always have a bad day at whatever you do but you can throw that thought right out the door! Your past knowledge of bad days is now just a thought.

SO change the thought. Imagine the very best day. See what happens.

The next step

Apologies for my delay in writing. It is hard to believe that it has almost been a month since the surgery! I am healing nicely. The oncologist told me that the tumor marker (CA-125) is down to about 300. Tumer markers are like a gas gauge on the car. It is a simple blood test that shows the level of your particular type of cancer. I started at 16,000. Dr. Canova recently told me that when we first met, I broke his heart ...so I guess he didn't know what the outcome would be because 16,000 is wicked high. I had no idea. Now I know that normal is between 1 and 15... so damn, it was high! And 300 is too high still so I start chemo again today. This should be my next to last treament for awhile. The good news is that without all the real estate the surgeon removed, the chemo really targets the remaining cancer.
Now, I have a question for you guys... obviously I started this blog because of the cancer and my inability to actually "speak" about it. I have always felt more comfortable with writing than with talking. I will be done with cancer in a few more weeks. We will continue to monitor the CA-125, watching for any rise in those numbers so we will know if it comes back... but for the most part, I will be done. (Isn't that amazing?!) The deal is, I don't really want to stop blogging! I love talking to all of you through this computer. So, I am thinking of starting a new blog... and I want to know what you think.
Since I was a very young girl, I have dealt with a lot of death. My beloved grandfather died when I was only 4 or 5. My Aunt Florence, the definition of everything that is Christmas to me, passed away when I was about 11. My dad, when I was 13. My son, when I was 22. How this effected me was to realize how fragile life is... how much we all take for granted and how quickly our little worlds can change.
Well, that is sad, but I eventually realized that I had received so much from these people that could never go away and that if I didn't get something positive out of the deaths, they would be wasted. That they would have died for nothing. What I got out of their deaths was to simply realize all of this. Life is fragile. Appreciate everything in your life, every day. (every second of every day!) With each of those experiences, I carved out a deeper well of appreciation. But, we do get complacent and need reminders every now and again. My fling with cancer has tested me and my resolve. My well of appreciation is deep and full and I am strongly reminded of how fragile even my life is.
You are my number one, center of all that I appreciate right now. You. If you were here and I could hold you, we could cry together for each other. I love you. Thank you for being with me through all of this. I haven't actually cried since I was diagnosed... but tears are falling now, my friend.

All my love...