Back in the saddle again....

Today I begin again. My life has been on hold for weeks it seems and today, I am going to meet with my employer and start to get things back on track. It feels good and I am nervous. Silly, I know but I could hardly sleep.

I cannot remember a time since I was a kid when I didn't work. Not being able to go to work or earn a living does something bad to you. (It also does something really bad to your bank account and that only makes things worse.)  I know my self worth isn't based upon my income, or my car or my clothes etc., but damn... working is an old habit/responsibility that always kept me going when I didn't really believe I could. And not being able to do anything but shuffle around the house made me feel like a useless lump. I am excited to get back to work and contribute something besides homemade soup and apple butter.

So, if you are getting ready for work today and thinking you wish you didn't have to.... and sure we have all done that countless times... just remember to be thankful that you can work. 

Work is love made visible.

And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy.

- Kahlil Gibran

I am so appreciative that while I have been off, I have had my little sanctuary here for my recuperation and my Hubbie to spend almost everyday with me. We have never had the chance to spend so much time together on a daily basis. That part has been incredibly awesome. Of course, we both felt pretty poopy and guilty for being here and not doing the countless chores that always need done to your home but, that is okay. Chores will always be there.











Some days it has just been so hard to get up. On many of those days, I will come to this blog and read your past comments. What a tonic. Your words continue to inspire me each and every day. I really can't thank you enough.    

Here is a little more from Mr. Gibran... a favorite poet of mine and countless others... It explains better than I can, how I love you.

Hope your day is perfect in every way. 

On Love

      Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
      And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
      When love beckons to you follow him,
      Though his ways are hard and steep.
      And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
      Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him,
      Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
      For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
      Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
      So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
      He threshes you to make you naked.
      He sifts you to free you from your husks.
      He grinds you to whiteness.
      He kneads you until you are pliant;
      And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
      All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
      But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
      Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
      Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
      Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
      Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
      And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
      Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
      But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
      To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
      To know the pain of too much tenderness.
      To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
      And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
      To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
      To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
      To return home at eventide with gratitude;
      And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Monday, Monday

It has been a long few of weeks. Me in and out of the hospital, Charlie with his Back surgery and me starting back on chemo. Never a dull moment around here!



Truthfully, I am fine. This new chemo was not so bad and I feel pretty normal.

Charlie on the other hand is not so great. The problem with back surgery is that once you have one its like playing Jenga with your spine. You have a bulging disc, they do a little surgery to remove the bulge and this collapses the disc causing extra pressure on the next one. Charlie has had about 5 surgeries. Afterwards, they build up scar tissue, bone spurs, calcify, bulge again etc. So he is dealing with several levels (of hell). This last surgery was minimally invasive and the removed a lot of scar tissue, bone spurs etc. But, only on one level. He will have to go back at least one more time to get any real relief from his pain. They only work on one level at a time. And it does fill like you are one of the herd. The doctors and nurses were all well qualified but everything has gotten to be rote. They don't really listen. It is easy to see. They fold their arms over their chest, they look at the ceiling or worse, close their eyes. They don't engage in what you are saying to them but just allow you the time to spit it out. They are condescending in their response. And they get paid a bunch of money. What a racket. 

But.... I am thankful. We may not be in such great shape, but we are together and that certainly helps. We try to keep each other going. When I am blue, he helps me and vice versa. So far we haven't had a day when both of us were down.

TV sucks though... just had to say it.

Thanksgiving is around the corner. It is my favorite holiday. All the food and none of the pressure of spending money you don't have to buy presents no one will really want. (Whoa... that sounded pretty Scroogey!)

I have apple butter cooking in the kitchen and the whole house smells wonderful.

So, that is the update for today.

Thank you for being there for me. I appreciate you so much. Your comments and prayers and love and hugs get me through each day with more happiness than you can imagine. 

Love you

Are you listening??

Dear God,

Please take care of my Hubbie today while is is having back surgery. He is the most wonderful husband, father, grandfather, son in law and friend to so many people. He has had to suck up his back pain for so long while I have dealt with my issues... the ones you already know all about. Please just take care of him and help him to recover and feel better quickly.

Thanks for all the help you have given us. I know I am a little person and can't see the big picture... the forest for the trees, you know... I am sure there is a plan and that I had a big part in designing it. I believe my life was written, something like a play, before I was ever born. Thanks also for the free will to try to accept what I have to deal with and to to try maintain a happy, positive attitude through it all. 

Please help my kids and my friends and family who are hurting with me as I go through this scene of my life. It is so hard on everyone else too.  

I know its not over until its over. I am giving it my best shot. Ultimately we know the ending to all of our stories but I don't want to try to do your job. I will just keep showing up and doing the best I can and maintain as positive an attitude as I can. And if I can't quite get there today, I will try again tomorrow.

I am sure I will be talking to you on Friday when I start my next cycle of chemo. Until then, forget me and take care of Charlie, please.

I love you,
Billie

Time

Time has been at a stand still. Days are rolling by and one is just like the next. Waiting and waiting for things to change, test results to come in, Doctors to confer, etc. Hoping that the situation will improve and accepting what is. Or at least, trying to.

Charlie, aka Hubbie, has not left my side in the last 3 to 4 weeks. Its not that he just wants to be close to me... but he has some major back trouble too. And he wants to be close to me. Seriously, he is planning to have a minimally invasive back surgery in about 10 days. He has had several surgeries before and they are hoping to give him relief by removing any built up scar tissue. We are quite the pair. And even though I feel like crap, look like crap and probably smell like crap... he makes me feel like a queen. And he is in more pain than I am, pretty sure.

Thursday I had a PET scan done. It is a pretty cool test actually. You can't eat any carbs, sugar or caffeine for a couple of days and then they inject you with a dose of radiated glucose. This is immediately drawn to any cancer and lights up in the test. It showed the the obstruction I am dealing with is a tumor. Now the odd thing to me is that this little bugger popped up while I was going through the last two rounds of chemo. So, I am confused and I don't much like it. I see my oncologist tomorrow. And I have another test on Tuesday which is what they need to see exactly what and where they are dealing with surgically. I have to drink about a quart of some noxious fluid that tastes like liquid lemon pledge. They refer to it as "Pina Colada". They have a strong imagination.


Anyway, that is the story for now as far as I have it. Lots of unknown. Lots of homemade soup in the kitchen. Lots of time frittering away. I have never been much of a fritterer. Rainy days aren't so bad but when it is so beautiful outside, I feel so guilty. Its terrible. I can't remember not working. And for now, I just can't go back. I can't even plan when I will be able to. The people I work for are so kind and tell me I will have a job when I want to come back.

No benefit in worrying about things. I know. And I know, as many of you point out to me... almost daily, that it is okay for me to kick and scream and say how much it all sucks. I have my moments, trust me. But for the most part, I am just hanging here in limbo, waiting to see what will unfold and trying to remember that it is just the way life goes. I have been handed a hell of a plate to deal with and somebody must think I am capable. So I have to believe I am too. That is what I hold on to. That and my sweet husband and all your loving thoughts, prayers, comments, love and hugs.  I am holding on.