Allowing

Sorry for the delay in posting.

We have all been so busy and I am so glad to sit quietly sometimes and just think for a while. Drink a cup of tea. Leave off the television and ignore electronics in general. I love putzing around the house.

I find myself talking to the television. Example: I just caught myself telling a woman on TV, that I don't know, what an idiot she was for choosing the 4 bedroom penthouse in Kuala lumpur rather than the 3 bedroom with an indoor/outdoor pool.

Kuala Lumpur and why should I care?

You know what that is?
Judging.


And I am not saying that we need to stop being judgmental, but you can notice that when your mind is occupied with judging, you aren't really living in the moment. You aren't really here.
Your somewhere else like... Malaysia.




If you don't believe it, trying having a conversation with someone who is really into a football game on TV.

Judging puts us in a state of mind where everything is either good or bad. That keeps us busy.
We feel we are in charge of constantly determining every event in every moment and judging whether it is good or bad. Rather than it just is. Trust me, I am as guilty as anyone. But you can chose to turn off the TV. And leave off the music. Sit quietly and enjoy a few moments right now. Facebook will still be there.



In this moment, I feel great. I am comfy in my home with my Hubbie, dog, cats and Mom. It's a beautiful day. It is almost noon and I still have on PJ's and fuzzy slippers and Big Al's old, soft, blue robe.
I am just here. 

Rather than categorizing every event as either a bad or a good, try to just be here now, in this moment.

What I’m feeling is much more helpful than why something isn’t what I think it should be.
Even if I wish to change the situation of the moment, it’s far more useful to allow it without any judgment... and then notice everything I can about it.
And really  appreciate it.

I just read something about being grateful. Do we sit at a Christmas dinner table, with a beautiful plate of food and say, "Wow, that is a great plate of food"  or do we consider everything that goes into the entire process of raising a pig, or a turkey or a cow... manufacturing, processing, all the separate ingredients from all over the world? You might include the hundreds of generations who bred and improved the plant varieties to make your perfect green bean casserole. What about the oven and the utensils... the grocery store and all the different vendors that supply them with all the millions of items we all need. And the plate... where it came from how it was made what was required to make it, how many hands were involved in the entire process just to give you a "Wow" plate of food. Its a lot when you really consider all there is. I thought I was being pretty damn thankful til I read that.

Being grateful opens your heart. When you stand in a circle with your family, holding hands and saying a prayer, before a wonderful holiday dinner, your open heart is connected to all the open hearts in that circle. It is so strong and beautiful that I always tear up. But, there is more. When you are joined together like that, you are connecting to all the open hearts there are. And nothing is better than being in that moment.
Keep it going.

 Dale Carnegie, once wrote:
“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon—instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”

 

Third round of chemo down yesterday. Feeling pretty great.
Feeling your love, always gets me through it all. Thank you, thank you. I am so very grateful.

Old friends

 I had the sweetest email from an old friend of mine. Cheryl and I developed a close friendship while working together for several years. She had created from nothing but hard work and determination, a magazine. It was very much like Architectural  Digest, but on a localized, St. Petersburg /Tampa, Florida area. It was a great vehicle within which to reach that high end prospective clientele interested in home design and construction. Every high end furniture store, designer, builder etc., wanted to advertise in her publication.I both bought advertising from Cheryl and later wrote several articles for the publication. I loved doing both.

After about 9 years, Cheryl began to have normal business and personal complications of life. A perfectly wonderful business floundered. A very close and deeply personal friend of hers died a pointless and painful death. Life became to her an out of control, downward spiral.

Been there?


I read an email from her this morning and she quoted an old Bob Dylan song. I had to  go to Youtube and play the entire song, right then.

Hi Billie,

How are you today?  Life is so good and bad, isn't it?  I am not religious but I have my days where I feel like Job from the bible and have to ask, "Just how much more before I can have my old life back?"  And then I realize that is never going to happen.  I had to close my business at the end of 2007 due to the Florida economy falling into a black hole.  I still deal with the pain, sometimes pretty bad, of a botched surgery in 2005.  Brian died in 2006 and he's not coming back, nor is my beloved cat Boogie who is one of the best friends I've ever had.  Everything I thought was essentially 'etched in stone' in my life has changed.  And then I read the last paragraph of Bob Dylan's, "It's all over now baby blue" and felt really encouraged. 

"Leave your stepping stones behind, something calls for you.
Forget the dead you've left, they will not follow you.
The vagabond who's rapping at your door
Is standing in the clothes that you once wore.
Strike another match, go start anew
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.. "

I so understand what you said in your blog about work. Work is good for some like you and I who derive a real sense of worth in giving to the world in our own small way through our work. and work is an old friend that is a constant through the changing times.

Sometimes life can feel like you are totally being punished. Devastating. But Cheryl was handed some hard lessons that only someone who is able to handle would receive. These lessons are a gift to her. She is constantly growing and learning from them. She feels the loss of things that are never really lost, but she is determined to move forward with her lessons and keep going. She is a joy to watch.


Someone asked me the other day if I felt like I was being punished.
No, not at all. In fact, just the complete opposite. I think all my prayers are answered. Who doesn't want to be a better person? My prayers are not for new bedroom carpeting or to make me cancer free. My prayers are to be a better person. Give me strength and courage. Let me help my friends and families through this. Show me.


You just don't "get" courageousness in a pretty package all wrapped up with a big bow. You have to be subjected to elements that bring out your courage; the courage that is already within you that you just have to find. Without the lessons, you don't even know its there. If you don't know that you need it, you are never going to go looking for it are you?
You aren't handed strength. You have to want it badly enough to do the things to strengthen yourself.

Dear God, 

Please fix everything in my life, make me pretty and financially secure with lots of good friends, and all the materialistic things a good life should contain, according to Vogue and Traditional Home Magazines.
And Please God, I don't want to have to work or suffer for anything. 

Oh, and you better throw in some appreciation with all that cause I can't seem to come up with enough of it on my own. 

Thanks God












I don't think the answer to that prayer would be what that prayee has in mind at all.  But that is how we all are to a degree. We do want all the stuff but it is hard to go through the shit to get to the "Oh, I get it now!" part.






I have been given nothing but blessings. Everyday may not feel that way but I know this. It is the gift of courage and strength. You are never handed something you didn't ask for. So get up off the pity potty and rise from confusion to peace. Sadness and joy sit at the same table. When sadness gets up and leaves the table, joy sits down.


There is nothing that is going to happen to you that your own soul hasn't created. Allow it. Believe in yourself. Listen deeply.

Second round of the newest chemo is done and I am feelin O'Tay! Numbers had come down after the first round by about 30%. I'll take it.

Back in the saddle again....

Today I begin again. My life has been on hold for weeks it seems and today, I am going to meet with my employer and start to get things back on track. It feels good and I am nervous. Silly, I know but I could hardly sleep.

I cannot remember a time since I was a kid when I didn't work. Not being able to go to work or earn a living does something bad to you. (It also does something really bad to your bank account and that only makes things worse.)  I know my self worth isn't based upon my income, or my car or my clothes etc., but damn... working is an old habit/responsibility that always kept me going when I didn't really believe I could. And not being able to do anything but shuffle around the house made me feel like a useless lump. I am excited to get back to work and contribute something besides homemade soup and apple butter.

So, if you are getting ready for work today and thinking you wish you didn't have to.... and sure we have all done that countless times... just remember to be thankful that you can work. 

Work is love made visible.

And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy.

- Kahlil Gibran

I am so appreciative that while I have been off, I have had my little sanctuary here for my recuperation and my Hubbie to spend almost everyday with me. We have never had the chance to spend so much time together on a daily basis. That part has been incredibly awesome. Of course, we both felt pretty poopy and guilty for being here and not doing the countless chores that always need done to your home but, that is okay. Chores will always be there.











Some days it has just been so hard to get up. On many of those days, I will come to this blog and read your past comments. What a tonic. Your words continue to inspire me each and every day. I really can't thank you enough.    

Here is a little more from Mr. Gibran... a favorite poet of mine and countless others... It explains better than I can, how I love you.

Hope your day is perfect in every way. 

On Love

      Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
      And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
      When love beckons to you follow him,
      Though his ways are hard and steep.
      And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
      Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him,
      Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
      For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
      Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
      So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
      He threshes you to make you naked.
      He sifts you to free you from your husks.
      He grinds you to whiteness.
      He kneads you until you are pliant;
      And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
      All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
      But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
      Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
      Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
      Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
      Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
      And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
      Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
      But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
      To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
      To know the pain of too much tenderness.
      To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
      And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
      To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
      To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
      To return home at eventide with gratitude;
      And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Monday, Monday

It has been a long few of weeks. Me in and out of the hospital, Charlie with his Back surgery and me starting back on chemo. Never a dull moment around here!



Truthfully, I am fine. This new chemo was not so bad and I feel pretty normal.

Charlie on the other hand is not so great. The problem with back surgery is that once you have one its like playing Jenga with your spine. You have a bulging disc, they do a little surgery to remove the bulge and this collapses the disc causing extra pressure on the next one. Charlie has had about 5 surgeries. Afterwards, they build up scar tissue, bone spurs, calcify, bulge again etc. So he is dealing with several levels (of hell). This last surgery was minimally invasive and the removed a lot of scar tissue, bone spurs etc. But, only on one level. He will have to go back at least one more time to get any real relief from his pain. They only work on one level at a time. And it does fill like you are one of the herd. The doctors and nurses were all well qualified but everything has gotten to be rote. They don't really listen. It is easy to see. They fold their arms over their chest, they look at the ceiling or worse, close their eyes. They don't engage in what you are saying to them but just allow you the time to spit it out. They are condescending in their response. And they get paid a bunch of money. What a racket. 

But.... I am thankful. We may not be in such great shape, but we are together and that certainly helps. We try to keep each other going. When I am blue, he helps me and vice versa. So far we haven't had a day when both of us were down.

TV sucks though... just had to say it.

Thanksgiving is around the corner. It is my favorite holiday. All the food and none of the pressure of spending money you don't have to buy presents no one will really want. (Whoa... that sounded pretty Scroogey!)

I have apple butter cooking in the kitchen and the whole house smells wonderful.

So, that is the update for today.

Thank you for being there for me. I appreciate you so much. Your comments and prayers and love and hugs get me through each day with more happiness than you can imagine. 

Love you

Are you listening??

Dear God,

Please take care of my Hubbie today while is is having back surgery. He is the most wonderful husband, father, grandfather, son in law and friend to so many people. He has had to suck up his back pain for so long while I have dealt with my issues... the ones you already know all about. Please just take care of him and help him to recover and feel better quickly.

Thanks for all the help you have given us. I know I am a little person and can't see the big picture... the forest for the trees, you know... I am sure there is a plan and that I had a big part in designing it. I believe my life was written, something like a play, before I was ever born. Thanks also for the free will to try to accept what I have to deal with and to to try maintain a happy, positive attitude through it all. 

Please help my kids and my friends and family who are hurting with me as I go through this scene of my life. It is so hard on everyone else too.  

I know its not over until its over. I am giving it my best shot. Ultimately we know the ending to all of our stories but I don't want to try to do your job. I will just keep showing up and doing the best I can and maintain as positive an attitude as I can. And if I can't quite get there today, I will try again tomorrow.

I am sure I will be talking to you on Friday when I start my next cycle of chemo. Until then, forget me and take care of Charlie, please.

I love you,
Billie

Time

Time has been at a stand still. Days are rolling by and one is just like the next. Waiting and waiting for things to change, test results to come in, Doctors to confer, etc. Hoping that the situation will improve and accepting what is. Or at least, trying to.

Charlie, aka Hubbie, has not left my side in the last 3 to 4 weeks. Its not that he just wants to be close to me... but he has some major back trouble too. And he wants to be close to me. Seriously, he is planning to have a minimally invasive back surgery in about 10 days. He has had several surgeries before and they are hoping to give him relief by removing any built up scar tissue. We are quite the pair. And even though I feel like crap, look like crap and probably smell like crap... he makes me feel like a queen. And he is in more pain than I am, pretty sure.

Thursday I had a PET scan done. It is a pretty cool test actually. You can't eat any carbs, sugar or caffeine for a couple of days and then they inject you with a dose of radiated glucose. This is immediately drawn to any cancer and lights up in the test. It showed the the obstruction I am dealing with is a tumor. Now the odd thing to me is that this little bugger popped up while I was going through the last two rounds of chemo. So, I am confused and I don't much like it. I see my oncologist tomorrow. And I have another test on Tuesday which is what they need to see exactly what and where they are dealing with surgically. I have to drink about a quart of some noxious fluid that tastes like liquid lemon pledge. They refer to it as "Pina Colada". They have a strong imagination.


Anyway, that is the story for now as far as I have it. Lots of unknown. Lots of homemade soup in the kitchen. Lots of time frittering away. I have never been much of a fritterer. Rainy days aren't so bad but when it is so beautiful outside, I feel so guilty. Its terrible. I can't remember not working. And for now, I just can't go back. I can't even plan when I will be able to. The people I work for are so kind and tell me I will have a job when I want to come back.

No benefit in worrying about things. I know. And I know, as many of you point out to me... almost daily, that it is okay for me to kick and scream and say how much it all sucks. I have my moments, trust me. But for the most part, I am just hanging here in limbo, waiting to see what will unfold and trying to remember that it is just the way life goes. I have been handed a hell of a plate to deal with and somebody must think I am capable. So I have to believe I am too. That is what I hold on to. That and my sweet husband and all your loving thoughts, prayers, comments, love and hugs.  I am holding on.

2.5 weeks

A few weeks ago I had to go into the hospital for a tummy irritation that wouldn't leave me alone. We deduced this was a reaction to the newest chemo.
They labeled me with colitis, a basic inflammation of the lower intestine, wouldn't give me any food to eat. Pumped me up full of drugs and saline and left me in a small room with a remote control.


















A week later, I appeared better to the doctors and was released to complete recuperation in my nice, soft, fluffy bed with my Hubbie, dog and cats, where I belong... at home.





No, this is Angelina Jolie, pregnant with twins. But I felt like this.

Another week later and I was back in the ER with a stomach obstruction. This time I enjoyed another 6 days of  more.... intense tests, stronger drugs... (opiates, whew the dreams), with no food for another week, daily looking more and more like a pregnant middle aged grandma. They ended up performing a surgery to allow me to continue to live and giving them the time to allow me to heal so they can go back and remove whatever obstruction there is.
They think it could be a few things.. but they just don't know so this time I am going to ask for a zipper.   
Next week they plan to do laproscopic surgery to remove it. Or a laproscopic "look around" and determine what to do at a later date.


Of all things, I never thought I'd end up with a blog where I sat around talking to people about my bowels, but here we are.






I apologize for the gory details but I figured, it is Halloween after all so what better time?! Trust me, I could share some episodes over the past week alone that would be hilarious in retrospect, but Lord, at the time I was wondering just exactly when I had died and gone straight to hell.




The truth is that I learned something pretty significant. Pain is a game changer. You can't remember not being in pain when you are in pain. All you can think about is pain. And take all the medication they give you so you will sleep yourself away in opiate dreams, waking to the big clock face on the wall in front of you. Page the nurse, "More pain meds, please". And on and on.  It just makes you a little crazy.

I am sorry I didn't call more people or answer more calls, etc. I just didn't want to talk to anyone. I know you want to do something but really... I just gotta be left alone to recoup.
My angel of a husband, the man of my dreams, my hero and strength through all, never hardly left my side.




Now I am at home. I am feeling worlds better.
I feel like I have traveled through worlds to get here tonight, from where I was 2.5 weeks ago. But I am better. I am resting as much as possible and getting stronger every day.

I have to.
I have a few more things to take care of before I can get this behind me. But get it behind me, I will.



Keep those hugs coming.......... I feel them all the time and hope you are picking up mine too.
 

It is all relative

While waiting for my chemo appointment the other day, I noticed a woman behind the desk. She was talking with her co-workers and my ear perked up because she was hard to understand.

"Is she deaf" I wondered, but no, she wasn't hard of hearing.

The co-workers were able to understand her pretty well so she'd apparently been there a while. I was struggling to make out what she was talking about and then I caught on. She was talking about not being able to eat anything... but having to drink all food through a straw. She'd had cancer and they had to remove her tongue.

Now pause right here and let that soak in for a minute.


Now, I don't know about you but that is some sobering shit right there. It is down right harsh. But there she was, working and volunteering to help patients at the cancer center.

Oh I count my millions of blessings everyday. I have my own situation to deal with but I am fortunate in so many ways. We all are.
So, the next time you think, "Poor Billie" remember this woman. I know I will.

LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!

Wish you were here...

I am making cinnamon rolls this morning.

They warm my heart and soul and make my belly roll
with their sweet, fragrant comforting goodness.

I wish you'd come over and we could have some hot cinnamon rolls with some tea or coffee. We could watch goofy old movies and yak about nothing for hours. Laughing about old times, things we have done together.

 Maybe I haven't seen you for awhile, but I am still with you all the time. I still feel you close to me.

  I have years of memories of you and me stored up that I like to revisit sometimes. I can burst out laughing over any number of things that have happened just at the thought of them.
Sometimes I have feelings of regret too. Things I should have done or said... maybe even a few I shouldn't have done or said. But I sweep those under the rug where they belong.

 Today I am thinking of you, often and with great fondness.  Appreciating your existence.
 With love..........and plans to diet soon. Billie




P.S. These aren't my photos...although I swear mine look just like this!! I just didn't have time this morning to take any whilst making mine... If interested, visit my favorite blog, thepioneerwoman.com (thank you Joni Clair!)  and check out "cinnamon rolls 101". You can curse me later.

Weekends

 I love the weekends. I hate to wish time away, but I love the weekends so much it is hard to have 5 days of work be anywhere near as much fun. Here are just a few pics so you can see why.
Hope your week is WONDERFUL!!!







"Lazy day, Sunday afternoon, like to put your feet up, watch T.V. Sunday roast is something good to eat, must beef to day cause lamb was last week. 

Ah, the proverbial pot roast on Sunday

Strawberry & Blackberry Pie

Jonah likes Birdie's wet nose

While feeling a little indignant, Birdie delicately observes...

And submits

A little later, Jonah takes a trip to pillow land. Our bed and pillows, our bedroom in general is like a tonic. It will force you ever so gently to take a nap .

I encirlcled him with cool sheets inside a fluffy pillow enclave and stretched out across the bed at his feet.He was tired and whimpered for a minute or two.  He'd raise his little head up and look at me or kick me with his sock foot, making sure I was still there and plop his head down again, drunk with sleep. 

Little swimming pools filled the corners of my eyes cause I loved him so much.

"So full up bursting at the seams, now its time to nod off happy dreams."

I know, I know. He has the longest eyelashes ever and those lips to boot. Like a baby duck.

This must be French Batman, with the beret.  He played and ran around for the entire morning.

 An unfortunate cape accident caused a bump and an ice pack for the head.... and a spider-man band aid, and watermelon.

"Lazy day, Something good to eat. Now its almost over until next week."











Have a great week...thanks for the notes, cards, walks on the beach, emails, texts and all you all do to make me feel happy. It works! Round two of four on Thursday. Halfway through already!

This pretty much sucks so at least there is room for improvement

Coming storm

Last weekend was an interesting weekend. All the 9/11 stuff on the TV and on every one's mind and heart. I am sure it had a lot to do with that heavy in the heart feeling I have had.
The truth is, I haven't forgotten 9/11 but I don't need the media to see how they can pour salt into an old wound and rub it. What have we learned from the atrocities? Are we worse than before? Are we still filled with hate towards people? Does this hate help?

I read that we should hold our anger like a mother holds her new born baby.

Remember the few weeks after 9/11?
Were you a little gentled down? I was.

I was nicer to other people and they were nicer back. We looked at each other more like brothers and sisters. We are all connected to all people. No exclusions.
We all have the memory of the moment of the first plane crash and we will never forget. Loved ones or acquaintances or total strangers that fell victim to these attacks , my heart ached as if they were my own brothers and sisters, because they were. It was horrible.




When the pendulum has swung to the darkest point of the darkest side, we call foul and decide that the system is wrong. Our limited ability to see and comprehend has us believing that if we can't make sense of it then it must be wrong.

We can't see the big picture, so we decide that its all messed up. This world is just all messed up. But it isn't. It is all beautifully and horribly perfect.

The kid that gets in an accident and loses his arm to grow up to be a famous baseball player. How horrible, how awesome. The mother who loses her baby and later marries a man with 2 babies. The black, white, right, wrong, good, evil. All the same. We can't see with our limited vision, the perfection of every act.




The pendulum swings both ways but this is harder to grasp than 7th grade algebra when you are caught up in it.

Paste this link in your browser. Its a good one!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzHTyxc7o30

Let it go.

I let go. I let what ever will come, come. I embrace what is. (okay, I am working on it)  I know I am perfect in every way and that life unfolds in perfection. (I am working on this too) Sometimes perfection comes dressed as a horrible monster. We are blinded to seeing what is before us as we strain to understand. I don't know why I have an illness to deal with right now. It sucks. It hurts and makes me feel simply less than I think I should.

But here I am.

This past chemo, already a week ago, has been the hardest yet to deal with. And trust me, it is hard to not want to give up. Staying in the moment, no matter how bad the moment, will get you to the next moment and then the next. And really, that's all we've got. And I am going to deal with it the best I can. Three more rounds to go and I should be done by mid November.




Loving you all and appreciate you being there with me. What a joy to know you are out there.

Thanks.







  

Here we go!

Okay, so we start chemo again on Thursday. This time with a slightly different chemo cocktail. My Doc thinks that maybe this one will work a little better to get my blood level numbers down a little more and maybe give me a longer vacation after we are done. He is hoping for 4 rounds, every three weeks and that may be all we have to do this time, but we'll see. This new drug is much stronger. I am, comparatively speaking, in much better shape than most of his patients. He thinks I can handle it physically. The side effects will be stronger as well and chemo makes you feel like shit. But its not that bad. Queasy, achy, tired... I can handle it. I am just going to need to rest a lot more. And keep a happy frame of mind. Its a challenge. Am I up for it?? Yep.

A long time ago, I had a baby boy. He was perfect in every way. It was a great pregnancy. I was healthy as a horse and didn't take so much as a Tylenol through out the entire ordeal. It was a natural child birth too. Just perfect. A couple of weeks after he was born, he became very sick. He'd picked up an airborne virus, probably in the hospital. He developed encephalitis. The infection had settled in his brain. He lived for three years. A few weeks after he died, I received a letter that I will never forget. It was anonymous. It was several pages from some religious wacko telling me that I had done something so horrible in my life that I needed to repent for and that was why God was punishing me in this way. This is a prime example of why I have been so turned off to "religion" for so long. I don't need to "accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior" because I believe that 2000 years ago, before Jesus, there was still spirituality. There was and still is an energy that connects us all as one. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Jesus, but I love all religions, all teachers.      

My son was a gift. I was privileged to have had him in my life. To have him choose me as his mother and whose love still keeps me going on a daily basis. He is still very much with me. It took me a while, but I got there. It wasn't a punishment at all but a very precious gift. Greater than anything I can think of.


Now I have another privilege. It is not a damnation but a blessing. You know you are going to die but you don't realize it as much as I do. I am a little bit more awake.

I am a little less concerned with meaningless, material things and more with the real stuff.
Honesty, integrity, respect, grace and love.
This is a privilege. A blessing to have and a relief too. I waste less energy on the fluff and focus more on the real deal.
Of course I get mad. Mad as hell at times. Made as hell that others don't get it. I want to beat them over the head and say, "Hey dummy, why don't you wake the hell up and stop taking everything for granted!!" But I work on myself. I send love to the ones that really piss me off. And I double up on the ones that never do.


This little baby was born waaaaaay early.  His mommy was in a car accident and they and to deliver him. I can't remember the exact details but he was about 2.5 months early and I believe he weighed less than 1 lb. He is perfect and adorable in every way. And his mommy is too. I see him as a blessing. His mommy must be a pretty special person to have been handed this to deal with.
Its all a matter of perception.



I love you so much. And I always will.

You only think I haven't been writing....

Truth is, I have written several posts and just not posted them. Well, 8 to be exact.

Writing is a way for me to get stuff out of my system. I get out the anger and humiliation. The bitching about insurance companies and the people that work for them. The frustrations of feeling like crap and going to work anyway, and bringing bagels and pastries.

I think about things and purge them. Then I go on for a few days sometimes and write and purge some more.



My numbers, the blood work with which they gauge the level of C in my system has been on a steady incline and is now to the point where they want to start me back on chemo. Probably next week. It is just the way it goes. Otherwise, we'd have a cure, take chemo once and be done with it.

There is actually a ton of new stuff they are doing with all types of cancer these days. Incredible molecular things that would blow your mind.

I am reminded by many, many people that there are lots of alternatives to chemo out there.
I know. Thanks so much and I know you mean well but you are going to have to trust me on this, I do know.
I have read about a ton of things.  Probably more than you'd think. I know that you want to help but you need to understand, from coffee enemas to gorging on grapes to you just wouldn't believe it all........  that no one can try everything.
I know it is a burden for you to walk with me through this time of my life but I truly treasure every moment
that I spend with you. The love that I feel from you fills me with the best of everything I need.


Here is my cure. I try to keep myself living in the moment. This one moment, right here.
Yes, I slip. A lot. But I try to snap out of it, quit dwelling in my ceaselessly yammering mind and see what a great moment I can be in right now.
That's it. That's my cure.

One has to make choices and I have made mine. I have a great doctor and I like him. I trust him to take care of me.
Chemo worked before and it will probably work again. I actually sort of breezed through it.  What ever. If I don't breeze through it and I croak, after all the obvious souls I want to see, I am going to hang out with Rodney Dangerfield. That is why I continue to work on all my dance moves. And really, if I believe all the stuff I claim to believe, and I do, then I am not going anywhere. Where would I go? Skin and bones may be gone but I will still exist as I always have existed. You aren't getting rid of me that easily.

If you are there, reading this, I love you. Just want you to know. And thanks. From the bottom of my heart, thanks.

You're awesome.

Check it out

I get so many calls, emails and texts from friends and family telling me they can't leave a comment. I think because this blog is a Google blog that you may have had to have a gmail account to comment but... I have changed the settings on the comment thingy and I believe that anyone should be able to leave a comment. I am not technically that savvy but this is the diagram I used.... JUST KIDDING!

 

Please, oh please, for me... leave a comment when you can. You have no idea how much I love, appreciate and need them. And so does the rest of the world... or at least the part of the world that reads this blog. To date,there have been 7,493 people who have read my blog. Not individuals... but just how many times it has been read... but still... that is a lot. To me, anyway. And if you ever think there is someone who might benefit from reading it, by all means, share the thing.

 Here is one comment from a dear friend of mine and my Hubbies... He and his wife and the two of us have spent a bunch of time together and had a ball over the years.

Billie,

 

I enjoy reading your blog.  I would respond to it there but for some reason I can't get the response thing to work.  I think I am a fairly intelligent being but I must be generationally challenged when it comes to computer stuff.

 

Anyway I need to take exception to your last entry.  I have known you for a long time now and I think I know you fairly well.  So what I have to say carries some weight.  You DO look good!  You have always looked good and you always will look good!  The packaging is great but your spirit shows through too so the overall effect is very impressive! 

 

Anyway, that's what I have to say.

 

Love you Billie,

 

Charlie

 

 How sweet is that?? How could I have a bad day after reading this comment???? No way! 

There are many more, but you get the idea. Please check it out and let me know.

 

Saturday my Hubbie and I are driving to Savannah to meet my eldest son, his wife and their two kids, spend the night, eat at Paula Deen's I hope and then we will bring the kids back to W. Palm for a week with us. I am so excited I can hardly stand it.
Paula Deen and I have a lot in common. A lot of BUTTER! 


XOXOXOXOXO,
Billie