Allowing

Sorry for the delay in posting.

We have all been so busy and I am so glad to sit quietly sometimes and just think for a while. Drink a cup of tea. Leave off the television and ignore electronics in general. I love putzing around the house.

I find myself talking to the television. Example: I just caught myself telling a woman on TV, that I don't know, what an idiot she was for choosing the 4 bedroom penthouse in Kuala lumpur rather than the 3 bedroom with an indoor/outdoor pool.

Kuala Lumpur and why should I care?

You know what that is?
Judging.


And I am not saying that we need to stop being judgmental, but you can notice that when your mind is occupied with judging, you aren't really living in the moment. You aren't really here.
Your somewhere else like... Malaysia.




If you don't believe it, trying having a conversation with someone who is really into a football game on TV.

Judging puts us in a state of mind where everything is either good or bad. That keeps us busy.
We feel we are in charge of constantly determining every event in every moment and judging whether it is good or bad. Rather than it just is. Trust me, I am as guilty as anyone. But you can chose to turn off the TV. And leave off the music. Sit quietly and enjoy a few moments right now. Facebook will still be there.



In this moment, I feel great. I am comfy in my home with my Hubbie, dog, cats and Mom. It's a beautiful day. It is almost noon and I still have on PJ's and fuzzy slippers and Big Al's old, soft, blue robe.
I am just here. 

Rather than categorizing every event as either a bad or a good, try to just be here now, in this moment.

What I’m feeling is much more helpful than why something isn’t what I think it should be.
Even if I wish to change the situation of the moment, it’s far more useful to allow it without any judgment... and then notice everything I can about it.
And really  appreciate it.

I just read something about being grateful. Do we sit at a Christmas dinner table, with a beautiful plate of food and say, "Wow, that is a great plate of food"  or do we consider everything that goes into the entire process of raising a pig, or a turkey or a cow... manufacturing, processing, all the separate ingredients from all over the world? You might include the hundreds of generations who bred and improved the plant varieties to make your perfect green bean casserole. What about the oven and the utensils... the grocery store and all the different vendors that supply them with all the millions of items we all need. And the plate... where it came from how it was made what was required to make it, how many hands were involved in the entire process just to give you a "Wow" plate of food. Its a lot when you really consider all there is. I thought I was being pretty damn thankful til I read that.

Being grateful opens your heart. When you stand in a circle with your family, holding hands and saying a prayer, before a wonderful holiday dinner, your open heart is connected to all the open hearts in that circle. It is so strong and beautiful that I always tear up. But, there is more. When you are joined together like that, you are connecting to all the open hearts there are. And nothing is better than being in that moment.
Keep it going.

 Dale Carnegie, once wrote:
“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon—instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”

 

Third round of chemo down yesterday. Feeling pretty great.
Feeling your love, always gets me through it all. Thank you, thank you. I am so very grateful.

Old friends

 I had the sweetest email from an old friend of mine. Cheryl and I developed a close friendship while working together for several years. She had created from nothing but hard work and determination, a magazine. It was very much like Architectural  Digest, but on a localized, St. Petersburg /Tampa, Florida area. It was a great vehicle within which to reach that high end prospective clientele interested in home design and construction. Every high end furniture store, designer, builder etc., wanted to advertise in her publication.I both bought advertising from Cheryl and later wrote several articles for the publication. I loved doing both.

After about 9 years, Cheryl began to have normal business and personal complications of life. A perfectly wonderful business floundered. A very close and deeply personal friend of hers died a pointless and painful death. Life became to her an out of control, downward spiral.

Been there?


I read an email from her this morning and she quoted an old Bob Dylan song. I had to  go to Youtube and play the entire song, right then.

Hi Billie,

How are you today?  Life is so good and bad, isn't it?  I am not religious but I have my days where I feel like Job from the bible and have to ask, "Just how much more before I can have my old life back?"  And then I realize that is never going to happen.  I had to close my business at the end of 2007 due to the Florida economy falling into a black hole.  I still deal with the pain, sometimes pretty bad, of a botched surgery in 2005.  Brian died in 2006 and he's not coming back, nor is my beloved cat Boogie who is one of the best friends I've ever had.  Everything I thought was essentially 'etched in stone' in my life has changed.  And then I read the last paragraph of Bob Dylan's, "It's all over now baby blue" and felt really encouraged. 

"Leave your stepping stones behind, something calls for you.
Forget the dead you've left, they will not follow you.
The vagabond who's rapping at your door
Is standing in the clothes that you once wore.
Strike another match, go start anew
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.. "

I so understand what you said in your blog about work. Work is good for some like you and I who derive a real sense of worth in giving to the world in our own small way through our work. and work is an old friend that is a constant through the changing times.

Sometimes life can feel like you are totally being punished. Devastating. But Cheryl was handed some hard lessons that only someone who is able to handle would receive. These lessons are a gift to her. She is constantly growing and learning from them. She feels the loss of things that are never really lost, but she is determined to move forward with her lessons and keep going. She is a joy to watch.


Someone asked me the other day if I felt like I was being punished.
No, not at all. In fact, just the complete opposite. I think all my prayers are answered. Who doesn't want to be a better person? My prayers are not for new bedroom carpeting or to make me cancer free. My prayers are to be a better person. Give me strength and courage. Let me help my friends and families through this. Show me.


You just don't "get" courageousness in a pretty package all wrapped up with a big bow. You have to be subjected to elements that bring out your courage; the courage that is already within you that you just have to find. Without the lessons, you don't even know its there. If you don't know that you need it, you are never going to go looking for it are you?
You aren't handed strength. You have to want it badly enough to do the things to strengthen yourself.

Dear God, 

Please fix everything in my life, make me pretty and financially secure with lots of good friends, and all the materialistic things a good life should contain, according to Vogue and Traditional Home Magazines.
And Please God, I don't want to have to work or suffer for anything. 

Oh, and you better throw in some appreciation with all that cause I can't seem to come up with enough of it on my own. 

Thanks God












I don't think the answer to that prayer would be what that prayee has in mind at all.  But that is how we all are to a degree. We do want all the stuff but it is hard to go through the shit to get to the "Oh, I get it now!" part.






I have been given nothing but blessings. Everyday may not feel that way but I know this. It is the gift of courage and strength. You are never handed something you didn't ask for. So get up off the pity potty and rise from confusion to peace. Sadness and joy sit at the same table. When sadness gets up and leaves the table, joy sits down.


There is nothing that is going to happen to you that your own soul hasn't created. Allow it. Believe in yourself. Listen deeply.

Second round of the newest chemo is done and I am feelin O'Tay! Numbers had come down after the first round by about 30%. I'll take it.