It is all relative

While waiting for my chemo appointment the other day, I noticed a woman behind the desk. She was talking with her co-workers and my ear perked up because she was hard to understand.

"Is she deaf" I wondered, but no, she wasn't hard of hearing.

The co-workers were able to understand her pretty well so she'd apparently been there a while. I was struggling to make out what she was talking about and then I caught on. She was talking about not being able to eat anything... but having to drink all food through a straw. She'd had cancer and they had to remove her tongue.

Now pause right here and let that soak in for a minute.


Now, I don't know about you but that is some sobering shit right there. It is down right harsh. But there she was, working and volunteering to help patients at the cancer center.

Oh I count my millions of blessings everyday. I have my own situation to deal with but I am fortunate in so many ways. We all are.
So, the next time you think, "Poor Billie" remember this woman. I know I will.

LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!

Wish you were here...

I am making cinnamon rolls this morning.

They warm my heart and soul and make my belly roll
with their sweet, fragrant comforting goodness.

I wish you'd come over and we could have some hot cinnamon rolls with some tea or coffee. We could watch goofy old movies and yak about nothing for hours. Laughing about old times, things we have done together.

 Maybe I haven't seen you for awhile, but I am still with you all the time. I still feel you close to me.

  I have years of memories of you and me stored up that I like to revisit sometimes. I can burst out laughing over any number of things that have happened just at the thought of them.
Sometimes I have feelings of regret too. Things I should have done or said... maybe even a few I shouldn't have done or said. But I sweep those under the rug where they belong.

 Today I am thinking of you, often and with great fondness.  Appreciating your existence.
 With love..........and plans to diet soon. Billie




P.S. These aren't my photos...although I swear mine look just like this!! I just didn't have time this morning to take any whilst making mine... If interested, visit my favorite blog, thepioneerwoman.com (thank you Joni Clair!)  and check out "cinnamon rolls 101". You can curse me later.

Weekends

 I love the weekends. I hate to wish time away, but I love the weekends so much it is hard to have 5 days of work be anywhere near as much fun. Here are just a few pics so you can see why.
Hope your week is WONDERFUL!!!







"Lazy day, Sunday afternoon, like to put your feet up, watch T.V. Sunday roast is something good to eat, must beef to day cause lamb was last week. 

Ah, the proverbial pot roast on Sunday

Strawberry & Blackberry Pie

Jonah likes Birdie's wet nose

While feeling a little indignant, Birdie delicately observes...

And submits

A little later, Jonah takes a trip to pillow land. Our bed and pillows, our bedroom in general is like a tonic. It will force you ever so gently to take a nap .

I encirlcled him with cool sheets inside a fluffy pillow enclave and stretched out across the bed at his feet.He was tired and whimpered for a minute or two.  He'd raise his little head up and look at me or kick me with his sock foot, making sure I was still there and plop his head down again, drunk with sleep. 

Little swimming pools filled the corners of my eyes cause I loved him so much.

"So full up bursting at the seams, now its time to nod off happy dreams."

I know, I know. He has the longest eyelashes ever and those lips to boot. Like a baby duck.

This must be French Batman, with the beret.  He played and ran around for the entire morning.

 An unfortunate cape accident caused a bump and an ice pack for the head.... and a spider-man band aid, and watermelon.

"Lazy day, Something good to eat. Now its almost over until next week."











Have a great week...thanks for the notes, cards, walks on the beach, emails, texts and all you all do to make me feel happy. It works! Round two of four on Thursday. Halfway through already!

This pretty much sucks so at least there is room for improvement

Coming storm

Last weekend was an interesting weekend. All the 9/11 stuff on the TV and on every one's mind and heart. I am sure it had a lot to do with that heavy in the heart feeling I have had.
The truth is, I haven't forgotten 9/11 but I don't need the media to see how they can pour salt into an old wound and rub it. What have we learned from the atrocities? Are we worse than before? Are we still filled with hate towards people? Does this hate help?

I read that we should hold our anger like a mother holds her new born baby.

Remember the few weeks after 9/11?
Were you a little gentled down? I was.

I was nicer to other people and they were nicer back. We looked at each other more like brothers and sisters. We are all connected to all people. No exclusions.
We all have the memory of the moment of the first plane crash and we will never forget. Loved ones or acquaintances or total strangers that fell victim to these attacks , my heart ached as if they were my own brothers and sisters, because they were. It was horrible.




When the pendulum has swung to the darkest point of the darkest side, we call foul and decide that the system is wrong. Our limited ability to see and comprehend has us believing that if we can't make sense of it then it must be wrong.

We can't see the big picture, so we decide that its all messed up. This world is just all messed up. But it isn't. It is all beautifully and horribly perfect.

The kid that gets in an accident and loses his arm to grow up to be a famous baseball player. How horrible, how awesome. The mother who loses her baby and later marries a man with 2 babies. The black, white, right, wrong, good, evil. All the same. We can't see with our limited vision, the perfection of every act.




The pendulum swings both ways but this is harder to grasp than 7th grade algebra when you are caught up in it.

Paste this link in your browser. Its a good one!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzHTyxc7o30

Let it go.

I let go. I let what ever will come, come. I embrace what is. (okay, I am working on it)  I know I am perfect in every way and that life unfolds in perfection. (I am working on this too) Sometimes perfection comes dressed as a horrible monster. We are blinded to seeing what is before us as we strain to understand. I don't know why I have an illness to deal with right now. It sucks. It hurts and makes me feel simply less than I think I should.

But here I am.

This past chemo, already a week ago, has been the hardest yet to deal with. And trust me, it is hard to not want to give up. Staying in the moment, no matter how bad the moment, will get you to the next moment and then the next. And really, that's all we've got. And I am going to deal with it the best I can. Three more rounds to go and I should be done by mid November.




Loving you all and appreciate you being there with me. What a joy to know you are out there.

Thanks.







  

Here we go!

Okay, so we start chemo again on Thursday. This time with a slightly different chemo cocktail. My Doc thinks that maybe this one will work a little better to get my blood level numbers down a little more and maybe give me a longer vacation after we are done. He is hoping for 4 rounds, every three weeks and that may be all we have to do this time, but we'll see. This new drug is much stronger. I am, comparatively speaking, in much better shape than most of his patients. He thinks I can handle it physically. The side effects will be stronger as well and chemo makes you feel like shit. But its not that bad. Queasy, achy, tired... I can handle it. I am just going to need to rest a lot more. And keep a happy frame of mind. Its a challenge. Am I up for it?? Yep.

A long time ago, I had a baby boy. He was perfect in every way. It was a great pregnancy. I was healthy as a horse and didn't take so much as a Tylenol through out the entire ordeal. It was a natural child birth too. Just perfect. A couple of weeks after he was born, he became very sick. He'd picked up an airborne virus, probably in the hospital. He developed encephalitis. The infection had settled in his brain. He lived for three years. A few weeks after he died, I received a letter that I will never forget. It was anonymous. It was several pages from some religious wacko telling me that I had done something so horrible in my life that I needed to repent for and that was why God was punishing me in this way. This is a prime example of why I have been so turned off to "religion" for so long. I don't need to "accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior" because I believe that 2000 years ago, before Jesus, there was still spirituality. There was and still is an energy that connects us all as one. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Jesus, but I love all religions, all teachers.      

My son was a gift. I was privileged to have had him in my life. To have him choose me as his mother and whose love still keeps me going on a daily basis. He is still very much with me. It took me a while, but I got there. It wasn't a punishment at all but a very precious gift. Greater than anything I can think of.


Now I have another privilege. It is not a damnation but a blessing. You know you are going to die but you don't realize it as much as I do. I am a little bit more awake.

I am a little less concerned with meaningless, material things and more with the real stuff.
Honesty, integrity, respect, grace and love.
This is a privilege. A blessing to have and a relief too. I waste less energy on the fluff and focus more on the real deal.
Of course I get mad. Mad as hell at times. Made as hell that others don't get it. I want to beat them over the head and say, "Hey dummy, why don't you wake the hell up and stop taking everything for granted!!" But I work on myself. I send love to the ones that really piss me off. And I double up on the ones that never do.


This little baby was born waaaaaay early.  His mommy was in a car accident and they and to deliver him. I can't remember the exact details but he was about 2.5 months early and I believe he weighed less than 1 lb. He is perfect and adorable in every way. And his mommy is too. I see him as a blessing. His mommy must be a pretty special person to have been handed this to deal with.
Its all a matter of perception.



I love you so much. And I always will.