You only think I haven't been writing....

Truth is, I have written several posts and just not posted them. Well, 8 to be exact.

Writing is a way for me to get stuff out of my system. I get out the anger and humiliation. The bitching about insurance companies and the people that work for them. The frustrations of feeling like crap and going to work anyway, and bringing bagels and pastries.

I think about things and purge them. Then I go on for a few days sometimes and write and purge some more.



My numbers, the blood work with which they gauge the level of C in my system has been on a steady incline and is now to the point where they want to start me back on chemo. Probably next week. It is just the way it goes. Otherwise, we'd have a cure, take chemo once and be done with it.

There is actually a ton of new stuff they are doing with all types of cancer these days. Incredible molecular things that would blow your mind.

I am reminded by many, many people that there are lots of alternatives to chemo out there.
I know. Thanks so much and I know you mean well but you are going to have to trust me on this, I do know.
I have read about a ton of things.  Probably more than you'd think. I know that you want to help but you need to understand, from coffee enemas to gorging on grapes to you just wouldn't believe it all........  that no one can try everything.
I know it is a burden for you to walk with me through this time of my life but I truly treasure every moment
that I spend with you. The love that I feel from you fills me with the best of everything I need.


Here is my cure. I try to keep myself living in the moment. This one moment, right here.
Yes, I slip. A lot. But I try to snap out of it, quit dwelling in my ceaselessly yammering mind and see what a great moment I can be in right now.
That's it. That's my cure.

One has to make choices and I have made mine. I have a great doctor and I like him. I trust him to take care of me.
Chemo worked before and it will probably work again. I actually sort of breezed through it.  What ever. If I don't breeze through it and I croak, after all the obvious souls I want to see, I am going to hang out with Rodney Dangerfield. That is why I continue to work on all my dance moves. And really, if I believe all the stuff I claim to believe, and I do, then I am not going anywhere. Where would I go? Skin and bones may be gone but I will still exist as I always have existed. You aren't getting rid of me that easily.

If you are there, reading this, I love you. Just want you to know. And thanks. From the bottom of my heart, thanks.

You're awesome.