Quiet Sunday

Life flows by in a blur sometimes and I love every second of it.

Destin was was such a great trip. It had been too long since I had visited the area, my sister and her hubbie.

Signs of the times that got my back up....

1. The beaches are as pristine as ever.
2. Working people there are struggling to stay in biz.
3. The news media in general should be categorized as a terrorist.
4. BP is at least trying.

DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU HEAR OR SEE ON CNN. There was no oil on the beaches and they are virtually empty of visitors (especially for high season) except for droves of local people, hired by BP to patrol the beaches for oil. I am only one person but I can tell you that you could see more balls at a Indigo Girls concert than on the beach at Destin.

No tar, no oil, no tourists, no more Destin... before too long. PLEASE go to the Emeral Coast and tell your friends to go. It is tough to compete with the advertising power of CNN but I am trying to help.

It is sad to see people losing their businesses after struggling through Katrina, et al.
Break any habit you may have of turning on any news station, including the weather channel for a while. You will be a happier person for it and you will still know what is going on, trust me... News flash, Lindsay Lohan is going down like the spoiled, media hyped, desperate person you already knew she was with access to too much of everything. Personally, I can't help her and don't really give a rats ass. Please, oh please let the Kardashian's be next!

I know of one friend of my sister's that owns a beach business of renting chairs, umbrellas, etc. on a gorgeous spot on the beach. She took her financial info to BP to show them how much she'd lost since the oil episode. They cut her a check on the spot (damn) and and are mailing her an additional check that will get her back on her feet and where she needs to be.

At any rate, it was a beautiful trip and not too physically hard... much good food and vist'n. Mom laughed so much, and that was awesome.

More test results show that the cancer is shrinking. We are on the right track and responding well. More chemo in order.. at least 4 more sessions and then another series of tests for evaluation. Tuesday the 27 is chemo day.

When I came home from Destin, one of my oldest and dearest friends came down from Memphis with her hubbie for a visit. Lynn and Rogers had been down about 4-5 years ago and we'd had a bunch of fun. This time, Lynn said she just wanted to rub my bald head and "Wish Cotton was a monkey". ... but we never got around to that.
More vist'n, more eating and lots of laughs. Lynn felt better after seeing me and I think she was a little surprised, or maybe just relieved to see that I am happy.
I really am happy.

Honestly, I haven't felt sad... well... except maybe about losing my hair, ("vanity, vanity, thy name is Billie")

On the whole, I really feel almost privileged. In the weird way my brain is dealing with all this, I feel like I must be pretty special to be dished out a load like this one... and the real challenge is more the ability to be able to bear it gracefully and come out a better person as a result. It is that old saying, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" and I feel stronger. I feel alive. I try to really live every second of everyday. Its fun! What an awesome opportunity to be reminded that we are all finite human beings and shouldn't take a moment for granted. And what a way to re-connect! Get cancer and people you haven't had a chance to be closer with in a long while are right there for you! Family, friends, emails, cards, prayers, love... and it is all great.

As always, your comments and support and prayers all serve to fuel my outlook. I can't thank you enough.

New Photo!

Okay, I apologize.... but thought it best to get this outta the way.....I changed my profile picture to one that is more....timely!
Charlie took a photo of my wittle bitty bald head and here you go!
Love and big hugs,
Billie

Opppsss... I got behind....

Apologies for not writing sooner... my home computer has been on the fritz.
Lets see.... had another chemo session Tuesday the 6th followed by a pretty yucky week. No biggie. They're juggling meds to find something mild enough to not make me more sick and strong enough to ... not make me more sick. The practice of medicine...
The one thing I want to share is that they did some blood work, "tumor markers" that I do not have a great understanding of, but they use them to gauge how much cancer...there is. I started (and I did not know this or at least it didn't soak in) with a CA 125, which is the type of cancer I think, of 16,000. It is down to 4000. That means it is reduced already by 75%. (Thanks to my 6th grade math teacher, Mrs. Pyland) Now, normal is between 1 and 16 so I have a way to go, but that is good freaking news to me.
For the first time, I am allowing myself to think I may get through this.
I am as bald as a baby's butt. The short hair cut lasted two days and it was time for the buzz. Then Charlie bought me a little head shaver... too cool. It looks like a race car and the blade curves so it races over your head. I like it! I can't quit rubbing my head!!
We are taking my Mom to see my sister for a long weekend. Mom hasn't hardly been out of Hobe Sound since she moved here and we haven't seen Nena in a couple of years so I had the opportunity and am taking it. It will be great and I will report back soon.
I can't tell you all how much I have appreciated your comments... your prayers and your love. More than any drug, it is your love that has kept me breathing, I promise.

Learning to let go and be independent : )

Yesterday, I cut my hair really short... It had gotten really thin and looked like I was going through a nuclear winter, so I got my scissors and went to town. My joke of the day was when someone would say, "Oh your hair looks cute!" .. I'd grab a little tuft which came out easily and say, "Thanks, would you like some?" My husband cracked up but my Mom didn't quite see the humor. I have to get a camera and post some pics. My far away friends and family should get a load of this. I may have to shave it off tomorrow... I am shedding worse than my yellow lab, Birdie. It is apropos that on 4th of July weekend, its time to learn to not be dependent on hair...

I also joined a forum for women with ovarian cancer. Its just that there are so many questions I want to ask and while my doctor is extremely patient and thorough... sometimes you just want to hear it from another woman who is or has been there. What I have learned is that this is a long thing to fight because of the rate of recurrence and the survival stats just aren't that good...less than 40%... but hey, someone has to make the 40%, right?

It is weird because there is a part of me that wants to be accepting and sort of brace myself for the chance that I may not make it. Then there is the other side of the coin that makes me want to refuse to accept it and kick some ass. I think you'd call this a dichotomy.

I have physically been feeling really great. My next chemo is on Tuesday.

I am cramming my head full of wonderful, positive information through books, CDs, etc. And I have a whole posse of people out there who are keeping me in their thoughts and prayers and I know this helps to keep my spirits high.

My husband has got to be my strongest ally, best friend and the person who keeps me laughing. I am blessed with such a beautiful family and a ton of wonderful friends.

Who or what are you blessed with?

The art of losing your hair

My father loved for his girls to have long, pretty hair and said it was your crowning glory. I have always had fine, limp and thin straight hair. I can't tell you how much I have complained about it. Give me a perm, it burns and falls out.... trendy hair cuts send me to the hat store.... but now that it is falling out like rain on my shoulders... I kinda wish I had my fine thin limp hair back. Ain't it always the way.

I visited a wig shop Monday after work... tried on everything in there that was reasonable close to my hair color, length etc. The thing is, the wigs are all thick full hair (fishing line) and it makes my head look too big. The shop owner, Mrs. Hai, kept telling me... "It look good, look good! That is what all movie stars wear, you just don't know!"

I don't want to look like a bushy headed movie star... I just want to look like me.

I bought one... and convinced by Mrs. Hai that I should wear it home and that my husband wouldn't even know the difference... I walked in to the house and found my hubbie who took one look and burst out laughing. I did too. We were rolling. I think I may just have to rock the Sinead O'Conner look and accept that other people will just know I have a disease. I am not going to fool anyone with synthetics anyway.

For now, I still have enough hair to wear it as is...and I use some hair spray so as it falls out it is glued to my head and I don't leave a trail! LOL!
I still feel really great. My next chemo is on the 6th and I suppose what hair I have left will be gone shortly there after so I am getting my head around that.

I read online about young girls with cancer that have chemo and they are made sterile. Damn. I really don't have it that bad.

I love you all for your comments and posts. Thank you for your support and for maintaining a positive outlook for me. It is powerful stuff. Really powerful. Keep it coming.

What the Doc said today

So... I went to see Doctor Canova (I call him Dr. Casanova on the sly). All they really did was take some blood and check out how it was looking. Red blood cells; check. White blood cells; check. Platelettes; check. They're all there and within normal ranges which, they tell me is good. I have gone through the first week, well almost.. after chemo and survived just fine.
Dr. Canova is an interesting fellow. I have known some calloused doctors, but this guy is definitely not one of them. He is so sweet and takes such an unbelievable amount of time with us on each visit, it is unreal. When I felt like crap last Friday and called him, I talked first with his adorable nurse, Corey, and then he got on the telephone. He was sicker than I was! He sounded terrible, really. But he took the time to talk with me about how I was feeling for as long as was needed. Today, he felt much better, as did I... and he, Charlie and I had a long talk about what was coming.

Being "poorly differentiated carcinoma" apparently has its benefits. They are treating it like ovarian cancer and it is apparently responding although it is too soon to do tests to prove it. From the way I have been feeling, and the way it looks it is getting smaller.

He went over every detail he and we could think of... what I should eat, drink, feel... how I should sleep, what will happen when my hair begins to fall out... it is funny really, how much emotion is wrapped into something like your hair falling out and he was genuinely tender about it. If it falls out, it falls out. I am no Demi Moore and am under no false belief that I will look anywhere near as gorgeous as she looked bald... and I don't like the idea of it one little bit but... it is hair. It can grow back.

He talked about the "marathon" we have begun. He thinks I am doing great and have a huge positive attitude, but I get the feeling he doesn't believe in it 100%. He is wondering how long I can keep it up, I think. He talked about the first 6 sessions of chemo and then about more... maybe as many as 10. That would be the better part of a year of chemo treatments every three weeks. Maybe he has a point. After much time spent going over all these things, I said, "Dr. Canova, you can't tell me if I will be here next year, can you?" and he said no. But then he told me about a young patient whose brother came to see him today. He'd treated the brother and I assume he'd be doing well... when he was killed in a car accident.

Life is a fragile and very thin line that we balance upon between this world and the next. I have had the privilege of life experience that have helped me to understand this for a long time. When most of us are younger, we just can't grasp the fragility of life... but as we get older and go through a losing a few people... we start to get it.

We don't know what the world has in store for us and we should not take anything for granted. Not the time we have on this earth or the sunset tonight. I learned a long time ago not to take things for granted and it has greatly improved my life and been a blessing to me. What is here one day can easily be gone the next so... don't laugh at the sappiness of this but really, tell someone you love them... or tell them you don't if that is the truth! Live your life to the fullest every single day and have fun! Cram as much damned fun into every second of every day as you possibly can. If it isn't your last day... then bully for you and hopefully you will live a long life that has been crammed full of fun. Nothing wrong with that. : D

The good, the bad and the ugly...

It was a rough night. My fourth day after chemo and I had been feeling pretty darn good til Thursday afternoon... and I went down like a rock.
Everything hurt.

All I could think of was that this was how it was going to be for the next few months and I'd just had a delayed reaction.

I didn't go to work this morning and called into my Onc's office as soon as I could. When he called me back he explained that chemo works in a couple of ways... it can shrink the cancer or it can kill the cancer. When it kills the cancer, it is painful so this is good pain. It won't last for long and the chemo is apparently working.

Thanks so much to everyone for all the emails and comments. It means so much to me.

So the good is that it is working, the bad is that it hurts like a mother and the ugly... well, just be glad this isn't a video!