Monday's Off

I suppose that after following my doctors advise on everything else, when he says to slow down and take it easy.. I gotta listen. Thankfully, I work in a pretty awesome place that is allowing me to take off on Monday's for an indefinite period of time. (Til I have a head full of hair. )
It is a good thing, just never anything I have ever done. I have always, always worked and let me tell you something, daytime T.V. sucks!  So I made a cake.... and practiced making flowers and leaves with icing.

Baby Ryan, all 2.5 years of him, spent the night with me and Hubbie, aka, Mimi and Pops, on Saturday. He is too cute for words. He has a new Spiderman toothbrush that flashes red for a minute. The idea is to get them to brush the whole time it flashes. It worked like a charm.




 
Here I am hovering....

He likes to knock on the door to Granny's house (Mom lives in my backyard).

Then, he runs back on the patio so she can see him through the window.

He ate a big dinner, played etc., and went to bed without a struggle. I checked on him a few minutes later and he was still wide eyed, but resting and quiet so I left him alone. Hubbie checked on him about 10 minutes later and called me from the hallway, "Billie, where is Ryan? He is not in his bed!"

I was off the couch and down the hall in a nano second,

opened the bathroom door and there he sat, on the toilet, taking a poop.

I swallowed my heart and hugged him on the pot, asking if he was okay..

"Mimi! What happened to your hair??" 

(Opppps, I forgot the scarf that I normally have on in my haste.)

"It all fell out honey, but it is growing back." He rubbed my fuzzy head.

"Are you still Mimi?"

"Yes, angel, I will always be Mimi."

"Okay."

I'd been afraid to show my grandkids my lovely bald head, but in less than a minute, it was revealed, accepted and dismissed.

Sweet dreams, Ryan. I love you.

The first beach day of the year

Yesterday was wonderful. I spent time on the beach in the morning and the rest of the day hanging out and playing with three of my grandsons. What is that stuff called again?? Oh yeah, unconditional love.
Oh and that other thing... living in the moment. Yep, that's the one. The kids are so obviously present in the moment. They are totally free to act silly, sing, scream, cry, have hurt feelings and express it all and not hold anything back, including sloppy kisses with runny noses. Or poop. Baby Jonah is delighted to share his most recent poop with you and he is deeeeelighted to have you clean his butt while he kicks his feet and gurgles with joy.

In the moment is a comfortable place for them. They don't give much thought to the things we dwell on. They aren't concerned with how they look, what other people think, how they should control their tempers. They haven't learned yet how to suppress their feelings. They wear them right out front and are happy to share with anyone. They have such joy.  Happy to have their feet buried in the sand, over and over. Happy to be hugged and give hugs. Happy to shriek at the top of their lungs. Happy to smile back. Even the baby, if he looks at you and you smile, he instantly smiles back. I could do it for hours.

Guess what college Ryan and Sonya attended? Sonya, Baby Ryan and I went to the beach on Saturday. 

This is Kristen with her new baby, Jonah at the circus in November. Nick and Kristen also have another son, James.

Here is James at Christmas dinner trying to teach me gang signs.

This is Susie, Kristen's mom. She is adorable.We are Mimi and Nini. : D

This picture is missing Baby Jonah but otherwise has all my boys and grandchildren.

From left to right on the sofa, James, Nick, Niles, Alana, Ryan, Baby Ryan, John and Griffin.

Charlie (aka Hubbie) is in the back

Nick and Niles have always had a close relationship.

Here are my two little imps, James and Ryan, climbing over the end of the sofa to jump...on me... although they have been repeatedly warned to stop. It is such fun! They are so happy!!

(It is kinda hard to get a focused picture of these two.)

Now I am off to play with these guys at a birthday party.

I am going to allow myself to be about 5 or 6 years old.

Hope you are having a fun day too!

With love and joy for this day,

B



A scary place

I know you guys listen to me babble on and on about being positive and loving life and get you get sick of it. I would. (I don't say Namaste and don't really know what it means)

Truth is, I find it pretty freaking scary out there in the world too. It is why I work to stay positive and not let any of that negativity into my head. There are crazy things that happen everyday in each of our lives. There are tons of things that we must endure that make us feel like our hearts will just break into.
Life's lessons don't come too cheap.

One of my oldest and dearest girlfriends lost her Mom the other night and I know as my girlfriend deals with all of this, her heart is aching. Mine too. Her mom was like a Mom to me. She was like a Mom to everybody, and everybody called her Mimi.

Now, that is what my Grandchildren call me.  My daughter-in-law, Kara, suggested it for my grandmother name and I instantly loved it for a wonderful reason. Hearing my G-kids call me "Mimi" is the sweetest music to my soul.

I feel like I have lost several of my mothers through my close friends losing theirs. Sometimes I think we just have to allow ourselves a time to feel sad and let some heartache out... and then... work on it.

So today I am going to allow myself a seat on the pity chair and feel selfishly sad for this planet losing such a sweet soul.
And then I am going to think of all the times she enriched my general well being and realize that she is still with me in so many memories.
And then, I am going to think of those old memories and fill my self with her sweetness.
And then, I will feel better.

I will enjoy my wonderful thoughts and I will feel better.

You can join me if you want by remembering some sweet person you love that has passed away and let some of it out of your heart a little bit. Let some sadness sweep through you and allow yourself a moment or two. Then begin to think of sweet memories and feel yourself happy again.

The opposite of birth is death.

There is no opposite of life. Life is eternal.

For Mary

Namaste, y'all

Time to wake up

I have been doing a lot of reading lately, and looking at life with an open eye towards what we really, actually are. Skin and bones.

The wheel of life starts and ends in almost the same place if it is allowed to complete the circle, beginning and ending as little babies. But this is just the "life" that we think of all of the time.

Is there more?  Almost every religion and philosophy I read about believes so.

Inner consciousness. Soul. Spirit. God. All of these seem the same. All of them are right. We are so caught up in our physical life that we loose sight of the inner, forever life. I guess you have to first believe that we have an inner, forever life... like my violets that keep growing and making new plants from their own leaves that then die.

We feel we have to work and buy clothes and new cars and jewelry and fill up the basket of possessions that we call "my life", when that is all just so much stuff. (okay, bullshit is what I thought)

We worry and stress and scramble around trying to acquire more and more... but the basket is never going to be full enough. Yet we continue to struggle to try and only end up with a sort of desperate anxiety, a feeling of lack and of sadness. Why? Because we are thinking that if we buy enough stuff we will feel full and complete. Always, we are mentally living in some future time in our life when we will finally have enough to be satisfied. That place simply does not exist. 

So, what else is there?

 

Soul isn't something you have if you dance really well.

Spirit isn't a ghost that you need night vision to find on a crappy TV channel.

God isn't an old bearded man who lives up in the clouds. (that was my image of God as a child)

Inner consciousness isn't something that you awaken and direct. (I just saw a book entitled, "Inner consciousness, how to awaken and direct it". How funny.)

Now, take a really deep breath and let it slowly out.

Who did that?

Do you really think that you did it??  Do you think you do it every time you breathe?

When you say or think, "I don't like me... ", who is saying that?

Who is the "I" and who is the "me"?

Ponder on that for a little while. A great many people have for a very long time.



Whoever you are, you are the perfect you. I am the perfect Billie. We are all one and the same. I am so happy you are here and I love you so much.



Think of the lilies... they neither toil nor spin.






P.S. Photo were swiped from one of my favorite websites, www.thepioneerwoman.com.

Amazing world

We live in an amazing world. I am stunned by a million things on a daily basis. Just this computer alone has me shaking my head this morning with what it is capable of showing me.

 This is the Rubbish Hotel in Madrid. It is built entirely from several tonnes of rubbish collected from the beaches in the area. It makes quite a statement, doesn't it? You may not want to be a guest.... and it was only built as a temporary monument to what is dumped into the ocean.

 This is an exhibit in Tokyo. It is a huge room filled with white feathers and fans that cause them to blow like snow fall. There is a video http://vimeo.com/14609322 and it is incredibly beautiful.

 I LOVE THIS! It is a tent that is part of a hotel in Grand Bahamas, with all the amenities.(I want one)

Hand crafted, 3D, hummingbird, made from layers of paper...





Some days, I am awed by this planet.
This day, my youngest son, John, turns 29. He is truly awesome.

Violets

I have a thing for violets. I love the way they turn towards the light. I love how they bloom and bloom. And I love how they seem to thrive with my non-green thumbs.

Sometimes you need to cut off a few leaves. They may get old and droopy or out of symmetry or something... but you can take the leaf and put it in water and it will grow roots very quickly. Then you can stick the leaf with roots in a pot of dirt, and in a few more weeks, you will have a new plant.

 Isn't that adorable?

As the new baby plant matures, the leaf will begin to die. But it is all the same. The same plant, the same energy, the same color flowers. Life goes on.

And soon you have a new plant with tiny buds of flowers that you can't see here... but in another few weeks, it will bloom too. One continuous cycle of life.

Cool, huh.

Facebook and allowing

I saw a picture just this morning of a friend that I haven't seen or talked to in almost exactly 30 years. And she looks as adorable as she did the last time I saw her. That is what makes me love facebook. All the other stuff, I don't need.
Sometimes I think that looking back over your life can be a good thing. It can be cathartic.
As implied by the definition found in the Oxford English Dictionary, a cathartic experience may refer to a process of releasing pent up emotions, for example by listening to music.  That is what I think of when I refer to cathartic and I only say this because I knew there was another definition.
In medicine, a cathartic is a substance which accelerates defecation.

Same thing I suppose. It is good to look back through life and empty out the drawers and photo albums in your head. But don't stay there too long because it keeps you from living right this moment. I think that's another good thing about facebook, it keeps you in the moment and that is where we all live.
Right here, right this second.

Right now, I am a tired little camper.

Yesterday I saw Dr. Casanova. I noticed Corey, his nurse and adorable person, dipped out of the room quickly and said something about him wanting to talk to me. He always talks to me... at length and I felt my stomach sort of drop. 

He wanted to tell me that I am doing really well, and I don't look ill but actually, very healthy... my blood work is good, everything medically is fine, other than a low grade temperature.
"People will look at you and just think you are back to normal, but you have to allow yourself the time to heal." 

He actually told me that I should only do in my work, "whatever brings you joy and the rest of it, tell them to fuck off, you aren't doing it." He is Argentinian but grew up in Italy so you have to imagine this accent. Its great. I have never heard him drop the f-bomb.

In fact he wants me to only work part time, as he said, "until you have a full head of hair".  I said, "Hello, it all just fell out again!"
He smiled. "I know. That is a good sign, a gauge for you. I know what chemo does to your body that you cannot see. So take 6 months and allow yourself to heal."

He knows the stress of work, dealing with cancer patients every single day, his own office and staff... and his family. He said, "I had a good screaming fight with a nurse today, and it actually felt pretty good."

Okay, I was sort of stunned by that remark. But, he really was in a great  mood.

The truth is, I have a stressful job.... in very pleasant surroundings and with some of the kindest people I know. I wear a pile of hats. Busy, busy, busy all day and always more new projects to work on but, no extra hours in the day to do them. Stress comes from always living in the future, when you can have all your jobs done, but that time never comes... so you just stay in a constant state of stress and wanting to be some place you aren't.

I told the doc that I am fine. Okay, I work and get home around 6, cook dinner, read a book or watch a movie, fall asleep and go to bed. On weekends, I sleep and rest and do house worky stuff and get groceries, try to see my family... but I am pooped. Then the week begins again.

My doc said to cut back the hours and the job description. Take an extra day off to rest so on the weekend, so you feel like doing something that brings joy to your life. Even a walk on the beach or a park or whatever. "If you are too tired on the weekends to do that, your are too tired to heal."

He is right.