Catching up

There is this mockingbird that lives near my house. It is usually perched on the wire just outside our bedroom window. I love mockingbirds and have heard/read somewhere that they are the state bird of about 10 states so I am not alone in this. But I discovered a neat trick. Usually I will open the door or window and whistle a little while and it will eventually answer although it probably wonders what in the hell kinda bird I am. This morning I blew its mind. I found a recording online of a mocking bird so I opened all doors and windows, cranked up the volume and let it rip. My computer and my mockingbird were just singing there hearts out and it was a beautiful thing!  Then, out of no where, my cat, Miss Gray who normally hardly leaves our bedroom... lazy cat....comes bounding into the room all alert, tail straight up... "Where's the bird??  I know there is a bird in here!!".

Then I made a whole bunch of buttermilk biscuits, a batch of yeast dough for herb rolls and cinnamon rolls, shaved the dog, and took a two hour nap!  What a fine morning!














Okay so here is the other part of the story. I have hesitated to write about it and my precious Hubbie has recommended that I not... but I have written about everything else and it is all good. And I want to tell you what I am thinking.

The last three chemos I have taken haven't really done anything. Well, that is not quite true. They have done a lot of really bad things because that is just the nature of chemo. And I am not talking about "rounds" of chemo but the last three different types of chemo. This goes back to last October. I forget the names of the medicine and it doesn't really matter but the chemo they gave me then is what put me in the hospital. While taking chemo, a tumor grew in my abdomen. How can that happen?? Beats the shit out of me. So... after getting out of the hospital and recouping a while, they put me on another type of chemo for a few months. This one caused adverse kidney reactions. SO the next chemo they tried... was the one I just finished. I had it every day for a week. I handled it well and didn't feel too badly and my numbers... the test they do on my blood to see if the "c" is increasing or decreasing, went up. A lot. Like, they doubled. Plus, like most chemo, it depleted a lot of other stuff in my body like white blood cells, blood platelets, etc. Now, I love my oncologist and his nurse but when they got the test results they were shocked. They thought there was a mistake because there is no way my numbers could be so high and I could still go to work everyday and function as well as I was... so they re-tested. Still high.

Now, I am thinking, this stuff is not doing me any good and rather than just jump in there and start another type of chemo and yes, there are a few left to try... I am just going to take a break for a while and let my body get better. I talked with my doctor and he understands. I am not giving up. I just want to give my body a fighting chance and I need to let it get better to try again. You know an oncologist can't even recommend vitamins for you to take.  Isn't that crazy? I take a bunch of supplements... vitamins, immune support stuff and I know it helps. That is why they can't understand how my numbers can be so high and yet I am still feeling pretty great. Hello!

That is the story. I feel pretty wonderful. I get a little tired, I rest. Is it risky for me to decide to stop taking any chemo for a while, yea probably, but that is what I am doing.

My oldest grand kids are coming for a week at the end of March and I am going to feel great when they are here. Not pukey and balding. Okay well maybe my hair is falling out a little but I won't be bald in 3 weeks, I hope.

I am going to work with my regular G.P., Dr. Milstein, who I adore... and with another friend of ours who is a R.N. We will do a bunch of evaluation of my blood and put me on a bunch of healthy supplements to build up what has been depleted. I will get better and then I will think about whether I want to do more chemo or not. But I am going to tell you right now, I am thinking, not.
If I have a few years left, I am not going to spend them feeling like crap and going from hospital to hospital and doctor to doctor and chemo to chemo. I am going to enjoy every second of every day and feel as great as I can. I will ultimately end up in the same place anyhow.

Are you with me on this?

Now, here is what I DON'T want. I don't want to be treated like the sick and dying girl... or old lady.(I keep forgetting my age!) I am not dead yet. I might be tomorrow. I might be in ten years. Who knows? No one and that is the point. So do not treat me like that, please. I am happy most of the time and feel pretty great. 

I wish you could get a whiff of my house right now... I just took the herb rolls out of the oven and the aroma is unbelievable. Cinnamon are going in next. Wishing you were here. 

Love you and love your support. It is what keeps me going. I promise.

No more words for now. Just warm thoughts I am sending to you with hugs and huge love.

TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My final day of having chemo all week and yes it pretty much sucks but it is all okay. I haven't felt too badly and life goes on in a fairly normal way.

I get a transfusion today (5 hours) and then my final chemo for the week today (3 hours) and then I see my Doc for a follow up on Monday. I am not sure what he will want to do but whatever it is, I will do it. I like him.

Just wanted to give you a little heads up. I know you all like to call and email and I can't always get back to everyone and I feel bad.... I have been working all week too.... so please understand if I try to cover it all in this little blog.

I do still appreciate your every thought, prayer, concern positive affirmation, etc., much more than you know.

Your love and comments keep me going every single day. Don't forget it. You are my life line and my daily strength. Thank you so much.

Love and big hugs to all!!
 

It is all okay.

The last test results weren't too pretty but its okay. I am feeling fine and doing the chemo thing everyday. I am still working.. at least trying to around appointments and more blood work and all the phone calls and text messages and emails....  but its all good.

I danced a lot today. Well... this morning I was listening to some fun dance music and shakin it.        It was "Do you love me?" by The Contours..... just paste the link below into your browser.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXs_Cyrb3NQ&feature=related


Or maybe you prefer the dirty dancing versions....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x43vK0k6A2I



See, you didn't expect that did you?

Then on my way home I stopped at a little market and picked up some pretty sea bass and cooked up a nice little dinner. That was fun and now I am stuffed but happy and propped in my comfy bed with a bunch of fluffy pillows. A little tired but hell I have been running around all day!

Everything is great. Life is good! I love every minute of it!






Here are a few recent picture of my new twin grand daughters... Amelia, on the left and Scarlet.

Adorable aren't they??

 Amelia is olive complected and has a head full of dark hair... to me she looks just like her mother, Sonya.

 Scarlett looks totally different. I think a lot like her daddy,  Ryan... but I watched a video of my hubbie when he was just a little baby the other night.... and she looks just like him! I swear!

 Precious! With a full tummy and in her Pops lap.

 Amelia looks like she has something to tell the World! I can't wait to find out what it is.



Just wanted to say howdy and let you know all is well.

Thank you for the continued support in each and every way. It is so appreciated. And it works. : p

With all my love to you.....

Damn... I hate to tell you this....

I guess the best thing to do is just put it right out there.
I haven't been feeling well at all. I keep working because it takes my mind off not feeling well.
We did another PET scan on Tuesday. This test is about the best thing technologically, we have to see what cancer is doing in the body. You don't eat any carbs or sugars for 48 hours and just before the scan, they inject you with radiated glucose. The sugar in the glucose is attracted to cancer cells and with the radiation, it lights up on the scan anywhere there is a measurable amount of cancer.
I met with my Doc on Wednesday. It has spread to the liver, more lymph nodes in the abdomen and something about the kidneys but I stopped hearing much that was being said to me about there.
I got the news today that my CA-125, the blood work they do to determine the rise or fall of the ovarian cancer cells present, is on the rise and back up to where it started two years ago in the 4000 range. Remember that normal is zero to 15. Not too good.
So, what does that tell us? Well, the chemo I have been taking isn't working. So we start a new chemo on Monday and we are going to do it every day... Monday through Friday. Then we will take another look at the blood levels and make sure it is working.
No, its not a picnic, but at least I still have options.
I still love my doctor and you know what? He really cares about me. I love his nurse and same thing, she really cares about me.
I am trusting that they will do whatever they can to help me and if they can't, well... maybe I will take my precious Hubbie to Paris and kiss him under the Eiffle tower.
The prognosis is as yet unknown....and I have a crystal ball. (Damned thing doesn't work.) 

I am so sorry. I really wish it could be all rainbows and unicorns... but life is tough sometimes and we just have to roll with it.

Amp up those prayers.. I know you will... and I will do my part. I will show up for chemo and keep a positive attitude and see what happens. I didn't write the script, I am just here playing this role. The ending is a mystery to us both.

Please know that I am not afraid. I am surrounded by love and support. Whatever happens, is okay. No whining, no sniveling, no negativity.
Do you hear me??

I am still one of the richest people in the world.

I found true love.

I lost one child and gained two more.

I have my Mom, who lives with me.

I have 4 wonderful children.

I am rich with my extended family, my sister, brother, daughters in law, and all their extended families, cousins, aunts, uncles, step-brothers, step-cousins, step aunts... it just goes on and on...

I have 7 grandchildren!

I have friends... not hundreds, but true, real friends that I love dearly and only wish I could express to each one of them how much they are loved. 

I am by far, the richest person I know.



Check this out this link below if you can. I have seen many of the TED talks but this was so beautiful .I love macro photography and this captures a bunch in a video. Hope you enjoy it and thanks Nena for sharing. 
Just copy and paste the line below in your browser.
I love you.
http://www.youtube.com/v/xHkq1edcbk4?version=3

Living life and loving every minute

Time has been flying by and so much is going on... I have gotten way behind in my blog and I don't even know where to start.
My computer melted down.. so there is an excuse for the delay...so I bought super cool laptop. (yippee!) I had actually written a few posts and lost them all. And its hard for me to re-create a post. Plus it really ticks me off to lose them like that.

I have started back to work from home, part time, and that has been great... but I needed more income so I started another part time job close to home and let me tell you... two, 20 hour a week jobs means that you work about 60 hours. I know the math doesn't add up but that is what you do.
 
So, I have the two jobs but my original boss now wants me to come back full time. They had hired a couple of people but one left and there's lots to do and they need me full time... only now the people at my new part time job have gotten attached to me and they don't want to let me go and they are fighting to keep me. Its crazy. Flattering but crazy! Okay, I made a birthday cake and that clinched the deal. I do make a pretty good chocolate cake. So here is one of my co workers and my newest boss. They are really sweet.

 

Allow, allow, allow. Breathe and let it work out. It always does. : ) You can freak out if you want to but in the end, it will all work out just as it is supposed to.




Another blessing in my life, my son Ryan and his beautiful wife, Sonya, had twin baby girls on Sunday. (Do I have to call him my step-son when I love him like my own??) They are so beautiful and perfect and tiny and different and perfect in every way. (Yes, they are perfect... twice.)
Isn't the birth of a child about as close as we get to witnessing a real miracle on earth? I think so.



Meet Scarlett....

 and Amelia.....

 Their daddy, Ryan....

And my wife in law, Jo.
 

Life goes on and on. It is so amazingly beautiful. I got to see the girls tonight for the first time with my husband's ex wife and our son. That may sound odd to you but its not to us. She calls me her wife-in-law. I love my husbands ex wife. She is an awesome woman and has always been a great friend to me. Her son is my son and since he is a twin too, I appreciate the fact that she brought them into the world. Boy do I appreciate that!






 I am feeling pretty well. Chemo last Thursday. Had a little rough weekend and back to work on Monday. Twin baby girls to see Tuesday. How can I be anything but happy??

We will do a PET scan in a couple of weeks and see what my innards look like. The chemo I am on now is tolerable. The doc wanted to amp it up and use a stronger chemo because I can tolerate it but I whined. I have hair. I feel pretty good most of the time. I like feeling a little more normal. He relented. So in a few weeks we will see what the  scan says and go from there. Cross your fingers and toes.

Count your blessings my angels. They are there. Be careful with your words. Choose them wisely. My Hubbie said that he prayed for patience and now God puts every slow, 80 year old driver in Florida right in front of him.  LOL!
He is right. That is how it works. You don't learn patience any other way. Or anything else for that matter. I appreciate my lessons. I am leaning. I don't want to have to go to summer school.

I don't look happy but I am!! A little pooped... and I didn't know my hubbie was taking a picture.... so sorry... but look, I have hair! Yipppeee!!!


LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE!!!!! 

Allowing

Sorry for the delay in posting.

We have all been so busy and I am so glad to sit quietly sometimes and just think for a while. Drink a cup of tea. Leave off the television and ignore electronics in general. I love putzing around the house.

I find myself talking to the television. Example: I just caught myself telling a woman on TV, that I don't know, what an idiot she was for choosing the 4 bedroom penthouse in Kuala lumpur rather than the 3 bedroom with an indoor/outdoor pool.

Kuala Lumpur and why should I care?

You know what that is?
Judging.


And I am not saying that we need to stop being judgmental, but you can notice that when your mind is occupied with judging, you aren't really living in the moment. You aren't really here.
Your somewhere else like... Malaysia.




If you don't believe it, trying having a conversation with someone who is really into a football game on TV.

Judging puts us in a state of mind where everything is either good or bad. That keeps us busy.
We feel we are in charge of constantly determining every event in every moment and judging whether it is good or bad. Rather than it just is. Trust me, I am as guilty as anyone. But you can chose to turn off the TV. And leave off the music. Sit quietly and enjoy a few moments right now. Facebook will still be there.



In this moment, I feel great. I am comfy in my home with my Hubbie, dog, cats and Mom. It's a beautiful day. It is almost noon and I still have on PJ's and fuzzy slippers and Big Al's old, soft, blue robe.
I am just here. 

Rather than categorizing every event as either a bad or a good, try to just be here now, in this moment.

What I’m feeling is much more helpful than why something isn’t what I think it should be.
Even if I wish to change the situation of the moment, it’s far more useful to allow it without any judgment... and then notice everything I can about it.
And really  appreciate it.

I just read something about being grateful. Do we sit at a Christmas dinner table, with a beautiful plate of food and say, "Wow, that is a great plate of food"  or do we consider everything that goes into the entire process of raising a pig, or a turkey or a cow... manufacturing, processing, all the separate ingredients from all over the world? You might include the hundreds of generations who bred and improved the plant varieties to make your perfect green bean casserole. What about the oven and the utensils... the grocery store and all the different vendors that supply them with all the millions of items we all need. And the plate... where it came from how it was made what was required to make it, how many hands were involved in the entire process just to give you a "Wow" plate of food. Its a lot when you really consider all there is. I thought I was being pretty damn thankful til I read that.

Being grateful opens your heart. When you stand in a circle with your family, holding hands and saying a prayer, before a wonderful holiday dinner, your open heart is connected to all the open hearts in that circle. It is so strong and beautiful that I always tear up. But, there is more. When you are joined together like that, you are connecting to all the open hearts there are. And nothing is better than being in that moment.
Keep it going.

 Dale Carnegie, once wrote:
“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon—instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”

 

Third round of chemo down yesterday. Feeling pretty great.
Feeling your love, always gets me through it all. Thank you, thank you. I am so very grateful.

Old friends

 I had the sweetest email from an old friend of mine. Cheryl and I developed a close friendship while working together for several years. She had created from nothing but hard work and determination, a magazine. It was very much like Architectural  Digest, but on a localized, St. Petersburg /Tampa, Florida area. It was a great vehicle within which to reach that high end prospective clientele interested in home design and construction. Every high end furniture store, designer, builder etc., wanted to advertise in her publication.I both bought advertising from Cheryl and later wrote several articles for the publication. I loved doing both.

After about 9 years, Cheryl began to have normal business and personal complications of life. A perfectly wonderful business floundered. A very close and deeply personal friend of hers died a pointless and painful death. Life became to her an out of control, downward spiral.

Been there?


I read an email from her this morning and she quoted an old Bob Dylan song. I had to  go to Youtube and play the entire song, right then.

Hi Billie,

How are you today?  Life is so good and bad, isn't it?  I am not religious but I have my days where I feel like Job from the bible and have to ask, "Just how much more before I can have my old life back?"  And then I realize that is never going to happen.  I had to close my business at the end of 2007 due to the Florida economy falling into a black hole.  I still deal with the pain, sometimes pretty bad, of a botched surgery in 2005.  Brian died in 2006 and he's not coming back, nor is my beloved cat Boogie who is one of the best friends I've ever had.  Everything I thought was essentially 'etched in stone' in my life has changed.  And then I read the last paragraph of Bob Dylan's, "It's all over now baby blue" and felt really encouraged. 

"Leave your stepping stones behind, something calls for you.
Forget the dead you've left, they will not follow you.
The vagabond who's rapping at your door
Is standing in the clothes that you once wore.
Strike another match, go start anew
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.. "

I so understand what you said in your blog about work. Work is good for some like you and I who derive a real sense of worth in giving to the world in our own small way through our work. and work is an old friend that is a constant through the changing times.

Sometimes life can feel like you are totally being punished. Devastating. But Cheryl was handed some hard lessons that only someone who is able to handle would receive. These lessons are a gift to her. She is constantly growing and learning from them. She feels the loss of things that are never really lost, but she is determined to move forward with her lessons and keep going. She is a joy to watch.


Someone asked me the other day if I felt like I was being punished.
No, not at all. In fact, just the complete opposite. I think all my prayers are answered. Who doesn't want to be a better person? My prayers are not for new bedroom carpeting or to make me cancer free. My prayers are to be a better person. Give me strength and courage. Let me help my friends and families through this. Show me.


You just don't "get" courageousness in a pretty package all wrapped up with a big bow. You have to be subjected to elements that bring out your courage; the courage that is already within you that you just have to find. Without the lessons, you don't even know its there. If you don't know that you need it, you are never going to go looking for it are you?
You aren't handed strength. You have to want it badly enough to do the things to strengthen yourself.

Dear God, 

Please fix everything in my life, make me pretty and financially secure with lots of good friends, and all the materialistic things a good life should contain, according to Vogue and Traditional Home Magazines.
And Please God, I don't want to have to work or suffer for anything. 

Oh, and you better throw in some appreciation with all that cause I can't seem to come up with enough of it on my own. 

Thanks God












I don't think the answer to that prayer would be what that prayee has in mind at all.  But that is how we all are to a degree. We do want all the stuff but it is hard to go through the shit to get to the "Oh, I get it now!" part.






I have been given nothing but blessings. Everyday may not feel that way but I know this. It is the gift of courage and strength. You are never handed something you didn't ask for. So get up off the pity potty and rise from confusion to peace. Sadness and joy sit at the same table. When sadness gets up and leaves the table, joy sits down.


There is nothing that is going to happen to you that your own soul hasn't created. Allow it. Believe in yourself. Listen deeply.

Second round of the newest chemo is done and I am feelin O'Tay! Numbers had come down after the first round by about 30%. I'll take it.