Catching up

There is this mockingbird that lives near my house. It is usually perched on the wire just outside our bedroom window. I love mockingbirds and have heard/read somewhere that they are the state bird of about 10 states so I am not alone in this. But I discovered a neat trick. Usually I will open the door or window and whistle a little while and it will eventually answer although it probably wonders what in the hell kinda bird I am. This morning I blew its mind. I found a recording online of a mocking bird so I opened all doors and windows, cranked up the volume and let it rip. My computer and my mockingbird were just singing there hearts out and it was a beautiful thing!  Then, out of no where, my cat, Miss Gray who normally hardly leaves our bedroom... lazy cat....comes bounding into the room all alert, tail straight up... "Where's the bird??  I know there is a bird in here!!".

Then I made a whole bunch of buttermilk biscuits, a batch of yeast dough for herb rolls and cinnamon rolls, shaved the dog, and took a two hour nap!  What a fine morning!














Okay so here is the other part of the story. I have hesitated to write about it and my precious Hubbie has recommended that I not... but I have written about everything else and it is all good. And I want to tell you what I am thinking.

The last three chemos I have taken haven't really done anything. Well, that is not quite true. They have done a lot of really bad things because that is just the nature of chemo. And I am not talking about "rounds" of chemo but the last three different types of chemo. This goes back to last October. I forget the names of the medicine and it doesn't really matter but the chemo they gave me then is what put me in the hospital. While taking chemo, a tumor grew in my abdomen. How can that happen?? Beats the shit out of me. So... after getting out of the hospital and recouping a while, they put me on another type of chemo for a few months. This one caused adverse kidney reactions. SO the next chemo they tried... was the one I just finished. I had it every day for a week. I handled it well and didn't feel too badly and my numbers... the test they do on my blood to see if the "c" is increasing or decreasing, went up. A lot. Like, they doubled. Plus, like most chemo, it depleted a lot of other stuff in my body like white blood cells, blood platelets, etc. Now, I love my oncologist and his nurse but when they got the test results they were shocked. They thought there was a mistake because there is no way my numbers could be so high and I could still go to work everyday and function as well as I was... so they re-tested. Still high.

Now, I am thinking, this stuff is not doing me any good and rather than just jump in there and start another type of chemo and yes, there are a few left to try... I am just going to take a break for a while and let my body get better. I talked with my doctor and he understands. I am not giving up. I just want to give my body a fighting chance and I need to let it get better to try again. You know an oncologist can't even recommend vitamins for you to take.  Isn't that crazy? I take a bunch of supplements... vitamins, immune support stuff and I know it helps. That is why they can't understand how my numbers can be so high and yet I am still feeling pretty great. Hello!

That is the story. I feel pretty wonderful. I get a little tired, I rest. Is it risky for me to decide to stop taking any chemo for a while, yea probably, but that is what I am doing.

My oldest grand kids are coming for a week at the end of March and I am going to feel great when they are here. Not pukey and balding. Okay well maybe my hair is falling out a little but I won't be bald in 3 weeks, I hope.

I am going to work with my regular G.P., Dr. Milstein, who I adore... and with another friend of ours who is a R.N. We will do a bunch of evaluation of my blood and put me on a bunch of healthy supplements to build up what has been depleted. I will get better and then I will think about whether I want to do more chemo or not. But I am going to tell you right now, I am thinking, not.
If I have a few years left, I am not going to spend them feeling like crap and going from hospital to hospital and doctor to doctor and chemo to chemo. I am going to enjoy every second of every day and feel as great as I can. I will ultimately end up in the same place anyhow.

Are you with me on this?

Now, here is what I DON'T want. I don't want to be treated like the sick and dying girl... or old lady.(I keep forgetting my age!) I am not dead yet. I might be tomorrow. I might be in ten years. Who knows? No one and that is the point. So do not treat me like that, please. I am happy most of the time and feel pretty great. 

I wish you could get a whiff of my house right now... I just took the herb rolls out of the oven and the aroma is unbelievable. Cinnamon are going in next. Wishing you were here. 

Love you and love your support. It is what keeps me going. I promise.

No more words for now. Just warm thoughts I am sending to you with hugs and huge love.