Sometimes people can really piss me off

It is odd to me that at the most inopportune times, people will sort of demand, loudly, to know how I am doing. Not people that I know well... but acquaintances... people that I only know superficially.

When I say that I am great., they continue to probe and ask 

"Really, are you really okay?".
















This happened to me at a social gathering recently. I was in a strange home with about 50 people I didn't know and I found myself on a petri dish being examined by total strangers. After the third probing "are you okay really?? "  the other total strangers sitting near me turned and leaned in a little to hear my answer.

Ewww, what a yucky feeling.  I am never sure what I should say and sometimes my attitude isn't so sweet and my fuse isn't so long.

So... what came out after the third time this person asked if I am really, really okay was,
"If I weren't, this wouldn't be the time or place I would discuss it."

I thought of an old friend that used to say that I had the ability tell someone to fuck off and they'd never even realize it.

I felt guilty for saying that, but really?? I know, it was rude and she was just being nice and acting like she was genuinely interested.  And its not that I have a problem talking about it but inappropriate is inappropriate.

The next thing she informed me was, "Well, you look good."

That dreaded line. How I hate it. 
Reading between the lines it sounds more like, "Well, you look good, for someone with cancer."


This person looks good. I do not remotely resemble this person.




I have always been a private person. I am social and outgoing and talk to everyone, so most people don't notice... but very few people ever really get to know me deep down inside. And just because I have gone through a bad spot doesn't give people who really don't know me the right to probe. They don't really want to know anyway.  I am just not sure what they expect me to say.

There isn't a cure for cancer. I am doing as well as I possibly can. It is hard as hell to get up most mornings and face the day with a smile. But I try. And I look for all the things that I have in this day that I am thankful for and there are millions of them.

I know that I usually post something a little more positive but just so you know... I am not always positive.

An ode to family love

Some things are so hard to describe. We are conditioned to use words with which to label everything in our minds, but love is not of the mind. That is why it frustrates us in trying to describe it.

 Love is in the half sleepy eyed rapture a baby boy feels for his Grandmother as she snuggles him.

 Or a grandfather that represents love in protective ways that kids cling to, with all their hands and hearts.

 Love can empathize with having a bo-bo...

 And relish in the joy that the bo-bo was kissed away!

 There is the joy of life beaming from each of these shiny faced kids as one goes in for a lick...

 And everyone else shares in the joy and envy of that taste of sweet delight.. stolen as it were

 Something else unnamed appears here in this sweet, cherub girl. Her innocence and light is beyond any word that I have ever heard.

 I can't name what I feel when I see this 13 year old boy.
No wait...I blinked and he is now a father and an uncle... 

and still a sweet, mischievous boy at heart.

My daughter in law, Kara... who came and brought my two oldest grandchildren to live with us for almost a year while Niles was in Afghanistan. Having them here to love on while he was gone really, really eased the gaping hole in my heart. You just can't get that from anybody.

I love this shot of my big goofball son, Niles. Do you think I have words ?

Alana makes this little humming sound when she makes this face. It is a look and sound of happiness.

(no word required)

One day, Griffin will be sorry he poses like a drooling moron in all photos. 

LOL! Like goofball, like goofball's son. 

I love how these kids have no problem hanging on you like this all day and half the night. Its awesome.

I am so lucky to have my family. You could think and read and talk and ponder forever and not have the words to describe it all. If you can name it, that's not it. It is way more.



Blood count is on a steady but slow increase. More testing in the near future and it seems, more treatment too.
I feel great. Really great. But it is weird to have something hanging over your head like this. You watch your life as if you are standing outside of it. You know your clock is ticking and you can't hold the hands to make it stop. Most of the time I am focused on appreciating every day but there is a sadness to it too. It seems every movie you watch or song or photo, reminds you of your eminent future. Little episodes that occur in daily life... arguments with a boss, bitchy people on the phone, all seem so stupid and pointless. I don't want to waste any time with such trivial nonsense.
Having a sort of heads up gives you the opportunity to think on the meaning of it all. I am not giving up. Not by a long shot. I am comfortable with allowing my life to take its course. And to continue. When the time comes, I will exit the stage and continue on with this journey on some other level. No doubt in my mind.    

I will always love you,
Billie 

An exercise in an alternative to exercise

Okay, you are going to think I am weird or maybe losing my mind but I have adopted a few things that I like to do to keep me happy and you might want to try doing a few or you may just get happy laughing at me and the graphic of what I am doing. Whatever. That is fine with me.

I have a long drive to work every morning and I don't like to drive in aggressive morning traffic. My mornings at home are generally quiet and calm and pleasurable. Then I get in my vehicle. And compete for space on a stretch of concrete, perpetually in a state of repair. So I tried a few different things.
For a while, I drove aggressively too. Growling and swerving and giving the finger a lot. Stressing myself out before work, no bueno.

Anyway, I just decided to listen to dance music all the way to the I 95, and dance in my car as much and as hard as possible. Its a two laner so you have to stop really quickly when a car is coming. Well, I do...I stop and then I laugh at myself and start dancing again. I just don't want to scare people.

I also pretend something with each car that is passing me. I pretend that the person or people in the other car are a part of my immediate family or my closest friends and I begin naturally sending out mental hugs to them and wishing them well upon their way. "Drive safely, I love you!"

The people I talk with at work, mostly our customers... well, I have begun to interact with them the same way, as if they are my brothers or sisters. I don't actually tell them I love them... well a few of them, maybe, but mostly I just try to keep that thought in my head.

I don't know, but these three little things make my morning a beautiful time and it carries into my life, something unconditional. And its really easy to do. It makes me feel good.
If you can pretend a little, you will be surprised how quickly you begin to get the connection, that we really are all the same, unconditionally. You are my brother and my sister and my best friend.
You are kind and gentle. And so loving. And you are beautiful in ways that only you can be.
You are the perfect you. Thanks.



p.s. If you ever want to share this blog with anyone, please do.



 

Black cloud or rainbow????

You don't mean to let it bug you to death. You try to stay in the moment and be happy because that is the next best thing to do.... especially when you don't know what else TO do.
But you can't help but sweat it a little bit.  There is just this little black cloud that sort of looms...
And I never liked sweating.

Any way... enough of babble-blogging.

My PET scan results came in today and Cory, my God-sent angel of a nurse, called me with good news.
The PET shows nothing. We still have to keep a close eye on blood levels which have been creeping up...but there is no new visible anything. Whew!

I am really, really, really, learning how to not take anything for granted. It is awesome.

So, no more dark clouds but rainbows and sunbeams and the blue bird of happiness!!

Thank you again, so much for keeping all the positivity flowing. 

See how great you are?? 

Can I just add here that my grandson, James.. is about the cuddliest thing when he first wakes up in the morning with his little pirate pj's on. He climbs up and tastes homemade apple butter and peach jam. He couldn't decide which was his favorite.

 Hmmmmmmm..... peach.....

 Hmmmmmmm.... apple butter......

 Who cares!

I read that our planet had plant life for thousands of years before the first flower ever bloomed.
I didn't realize how much I took them for granted.

 The same force of life that allows that flower to bloom is in all of us. It is our connection to each other.

 I think this energy will flow through us and to everyone we touch like the electricity that flows through the wires of an extension cord.

I have no special power, any more than an extension cord but just like that cord, I can connect.
This life force, this connection, is ours by some sort of divine right, if we simply connect...  plug it in.












 I just love that. I just love you because we are all connected.We are all the same.

When I am with people that my heart is close to I tingle with the excitement and joy of being with them.
It must be why I love family dinners at our house. They are big events and filled with a bundle of people I love. I am buzzing from just thinking about it! My thoughts about having fun times together with family and close friends make me feel great, alive and happy. And all I am doing is thinking. (goosebumps)

I also get a kick out of talking to everybody I come in contact with. I try to talk to everyone. I try to engage the lady that checks out my groceries or the waitress that brings our food, the people I talk with on the telephone at work... and I try to remember that we are all one and the same.
I wonder, "Why is this particular person here, in front of me at this moment in time.." and I try to understand. Sometimes... I can get the same buzz from a total stranger that I get from interacting with my family and close friends. Its there. It is always there. It is the connection from whence all comes.

Our short, little lives aren't even a blip on the screen of time as we know it on this little blue ball, floating through space. Therefore, our problems, hardly even register. They almost don't exist. They amount to practically nothing. Not even a pimple on a gnats ass.

Have you ever looked at a geological time scale?? This one isn't very exact... but you get the idea.

That is some long span of time, huh? So you see, our little problems don't amount to a hill of beans.
Now, go forth and be happy.

My PET Scan was sort of cancelled and re-scheduled. The tube shut down with me in it. Such fun!
No big deal and not nearly as scary as getting caught in the drive-through car wash last week... with my dog... and let me tell you about the muck on the floor inside one of those darn things.


Better yet, forget it... cause it doesn't amount to a hill of beans. : D

Make a memory this weekend!!!

I Love you!!  
 

Keeping it real

I began writing this blog last May.. I think, or maybe June.

At first, I was reluctant and shared it with only a few people. It was so personal. I had some growing to do. I had just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and it sounded a lot like a death sentance.

I didn't know how things would turn out. And, well.... I didn't want to start a blog with all my friends and family and then... croak, and have a blog hanging around out there in cyber space. Ewww.
I have since gone through a bunch of chemo, surgery, etc. and responded to treatment remarkable well.


The dred threat of it returning will probably always be there.


When you are handed a particularily tough situation, it is in a way, a priviledge... something out there is telling you that you are able to handle it. Its an opportunity to either grow from it and get something good out of it or just give up and watch your toes roll up and disappear under that house that fell on you.

I simply took things as they came and worked on staying positive and happy and breathing, one minute at a time. I am not amazing or extraordinary... more like extra ordinary.
The weird thing is, we are all finite so why are we shocked and saddened by death? Everybody dies, and on some level, we must realize this. We just usually never know when, so we pretend to not realize it and live as though we have a zillion more sunsets to take in so whats the big deal about this one?

But, you never know.

You may never see the last person you just talked to again. Tonight may be the last chance you have to make the person you love a nice dinner... or tell them you love them... or go for a walk.



I do believe you can choose to be happy.



It isn't always easy, but it is definitely a choice and almost always the better choice to make. And no matter what you are dealing with, and we all have shit we are dealing with, you can take the moment you are in right now, right this second and breathe in, slowly.... a big deep breath and exhale and remind yourself to choose happy. Don't spend a lot of time worrying about anything. Worrying seems to always be about something in the past or in the future. You are not in either, you're here, right now.

In this very moment, I am happy, and feel great and am full of love and cake! Right here, right now everything is wonderful. I am not worried about a thing.

The next time you are in a situation you don't like, breathe and remember to only be in this single moment of existance, and control your emotions to only feel happy.

Rolling in a big pile of fall leaves happy..

Wedding day bliss happy...

Whatever brings a smile to your face... think of that and make the choice.

If you can do it for a just a second, you can do it for an hour and if you can do it for an hour...

you can do anything, this one moment, at a time.

I already love you if you are here, reading this blog. For reals.

Thanks for sticking in here with me. I wish you knew how much I feel your love and support. It is tangible.

There's this kid... well, he is my grandson...

There is this kid. His name is Ryan. He is getting close to three years old and like all of my grandchildren, he melts my heart.

He is smart as hell. Hilarious. And a Rocker.

And.... I think he wants a baby sister or brother pretty bad.
I noticed at Easter, how affectionate he was with his baby cousin, Jonah.


Excuse me while I melt.

Is this the sweetest thing?

Or maybe this is. I can't decide.

We have three grandsons who live very close to us. It is such a joy to be with them.

The little cherub of a girl is Isabel, the boy's cousin.

Check out Ryan...still hugging.

 Isabel, James, Ryan and Jonah.





So I picked Ryan up on Monday after Easter to spend the night. I didn't have a plan and was thinking how I don't have that many toys at the house so I asked Ryan if he'd help me pick up a few toys and he could pick out a whatever he wanted for himself that we could keep at our house.



I didn't have much trouble convincing him.



We played in the Toys R Us store for at least an hour.



First he picked out a basketball goal and ball that looked pretty cool. So we added that to our basket.



We bought marbles, sidewalk chalk and a few other things.

As we rolled down an isle of motion sensor activated baby dolls, his face just lit up and I could see that he had found what he wanted.



He got inside the basket with the baby doll that giggled and cooed and jumped up and down. He loved it. Her name is Pookey Baby.
I have no problem with this.

He only put her down for cupcakes.

 

He eats cupcakes topless and that is a good idea.

Grandchildren are just so incredibly awesome. They are so "in the moment". Its good to be around them because they remind you of what is important. And they remind you how to be almost 3 again.

Go ahead, eat a cupcake face first.

Dive right into that icing and work your way down. 

I will never eat a cupcake any other way.

:  )

CA125 showed an increase this month.

Its up to 240 from 160 and they will start me back on chemo at about 350 or so.

And so it goes.