It is odd to me that at the most inopportune times, people will sort of demand, loudly, to know how I am doing. Not people that I know well... but acquaintances... people that I only know superficially.
When I say that I am great., they continue to probe and ask
"Really, are you really okay?".
This happened to me at a social gathering recently. I was in a strange home with about 50 people I didn't know and I found myself on a petri dish being examined by total strangers. After the third probing "are you okay really?? " the other total strangers sitting near me turned and leaned in a little to hear my answer.
Ewww, what a yucky feeling. I am never sure what I should say and sometimes my attitude isn't so sweet and my fuse isn't so long.
So... what came out after the third time this person asked if I am really, really okay was,
"If I weren't, this wouldn't be the time or place I would discuss it."
I thought of an old friend that used to say that I had the ability tell someone to fuck off and they'd never even realize it.
I felt guilty for saying that, but really?? I know, it was rude and she was just being nice and acting like she was genuinely interested. And its not that I have a problem talking about it but inappropriate is inappropriate.
The next thing she informed me was, "Well, you look good."
That dreaded line. How I hate it.
Reading between the lines it sounds more like, "Well, you look good, for someone with cancer."
This person looks good. I do not remotely resemble this person.I have always been a private person. I am social and outgoing and talk to everyone, so most people don't notice... but very few people ever really get to know me deep down inside. And just because I have gone through a bad spot doesn't give people who really don't know me the right to probe. They don't really want to know anyway. I am just not sure what they expect me to say.
There isn't a cure for cancer. I am doing as well as I possibly can. It is hard as hell to get up most mornings and face the day with a smile. But I try. And I look for all the things that I have in this day that I am thankful for and there are millions of them.
I know that I usually post something a little more positive but just so you know... I am not always positive.
5 comments:
The funny thing about this post is that even though there are no comments, I think I had more emails and phone calls and texts on this one that any of the other posts. Several people told me they had experienced very similar feelings in similar circumstances, a few were happy that sometimes I am pissed off and still others were tremendously encouraging in spite of my being pissed off. No one else can really know what this feels like and other people really do try their best to say the right thing. There just is no right thing. But its okay. I'm not mad anymore. Thanks for letting me vent. I have also tried to adjust the comments section on the blog because so many people have had trouble posting comments. PLEASE TRY AGAIN!! I love all your comments. Many, many times they are so much better than the blog itself and I want to share what you say with everyone. Thank you again for all the love and support. XOXO, Billie
Dear Billie...I also love this gift of yours. (Not the one where you can tell people to fuck off gracefully ;) but this gift of self expression that you have. You are wonderful in all your moods...
Diana
Better to be pissed off than pissed on, right!!! My brother taught me that one. LOL
So I thought I'd catch up with your literary genius today and here is that chic on your page. First of all... Take away the fake tan, fake boobs, trainer, oil and makeup and she'd be like all of us... Lookin' Good! I'd take that comment more like, "you look good" and Smokin' HOT for someone with cancer!! Just think that every time someone says that and it'll bring a smile to your face. You might want to add it to their comment every once in a while for a good laugh. XO
I just love all these comments!!! THanks!!!!!!!!!!
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