What can you do?

As I progress through this illness, this stage in my life... things change and I have to adapt to the changes. Now that I have gotten this far, I can look back and see how I felt and acted in the beginning. I see other new patients and see myself a couple of years ago, determined to make myself well. Eat right, exercise, love myself and make myself whole, filled with the white light and at one with God. That... and a bunch of chemo should do the trick.

Now that I have a few years under my belt, I have learned that while that is all well and good and how much the positive attitude helps, I realize that these are all just stepping stones in my life. These stepping stones are the little lessons I have to learn. And each patient has the same stones. I am progressing much the same as the rest of the patients progress. Each day I try to hold onto the idea that I can make myself better and I do, to a degree. But the bottom line is there is no cure.




 Okay, this is the Cure... but they were a band in the 80's that I have no clue what happened to.








Every morning when I wake up I am faced with another day of cancer. There might be a nano second of not thinking about it, but there it is, in the middle of the bed... a big old elephant.


"Good morning, Billie. You didn't forget about me did you?"

"No you big fat ass elephant. Well, just for a moment maybe, but you make it kinda hard to forget don't you?"

"Hey... is that anyway to treat something that is this much a part of your life?"

"I never asked you to be a part of my life. I don't want you in my life or in anyone's life. Why can't you just give me a break and leave me alone for a while? Ever heard of remission?"

"LOL! Remission. I love that term. You know as well as I do what it means. It is just a lessening of symptoms... a "temporary" lessening of symptoms. I am not going anywhere without taking you with me."

"Yes, I realize that now. So, what's next? Are you just going to sit in the middle of my bed? I am tired of trying to kill you. I am frankly tired of looking at you everyday. I am tired of you crowding my life with your big ass self. You are always in the way! Every time I talk to someone it is you they ask about. I accept the fact that you aren't leaving but I am sick of you taking center stage. What a needy, center of attention stealing, disease you are."

"Be careful. I can get worse. In fact, I promise that I will."

"Well, tell me something I don't know. Tell me when and how."

"No can do, amigo. No can do. You will just have to ride it out like everyone else. But remember, I feed on your weakness. Your anger and your impatience makes me stronger. You have a strong will, but you are starting to crack a little around the seams."

"FUCK YOU!"

"Oppps, see. There you go and look at those seams!"

"I don't want you here anymore. I feel like I am dead already or may as well be with you always in my face. You're always in everyone's face that looks at me. It is too hard to live on the fragments of moments when you aren't here. I feel like that kid from Titanic, holding onto a scrap of wood to keep afloat, slowly freezing and trying to fight off the inevitable. I don't want anymore lessons. I have learned enough."

"So, you are ready to give up?"
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"No. Not yet. Sorry. Just having a bad moment. Stick around. I will figure it out."

 "Tick-tock, Billie."

"You really don't have to be such an asshole do you? Maybe one day you will become extinct."

"Not before you."

"Well, thanks for the heads up elephant. Now can I get on with my day?"









And that is how it is everyday.
And that is why I hate when people ask me how I am doing.
Or what the doctor said? 
I still have it. It isn't going away. The doctor can't get rid of it. There is no cure.







Its not your fault. I have done the same thing before with friends that had cancer. I didn't realize what it does to the person with the cancer.

I live with this elephant every day. I don't have to carry it around on my shoulders. I can ignore it or accept it or just let it go. I try to let it go. But, it is really hard to ignore. And it is really hard for people not to ask how I am doing. Even though they really already know. But the elephant loves the attention.

So... now that I have thoroughly depressed everyone.... 

The pain keeps increasing and the drugs are helping to keep that at a tolerable level. Most of the time I feel pretty good. I am strong and holding my weight. I am trying to keep a positive attitude. I am trying to live instead of living to die.

Its weird though. Like I find myself not doing things because I might not be here to finish what I start. You always have to consider the elephant.

Should I buy a new car? Why not? Get a little convertible and race around town. Oh, but will the elephant fit? No, probably not.

Lets take a vacation and go to Italy. But, what would we do with the elephant? I can't leave it here. It has to go with us. It will never fit in a gondola.

How about lets just snuggle and act like bunnies?? Okay, but we still have fat ass right in the middle of us.

May 3 is National Prayer Day. If there is one thing I believe in, it is prayer. The only thing better than prayer is a lot of people praying all together. There is a huge power in that. I will be praying together with everyone on that day. (I will pray to have a better attitude, I promise.) I will pray for you and for a healing of the entire world. I will pray that you stop smoking and eat better foods and love each other with all you've got. I will pray that you realize how much you have to be thankful for.  I will pray for your happiness and I will pray for patience and peace and hope. 

What will you pray for??