An exercise in an alternative to exercise

Okay, you are going to think I am weird or maybe losing my mind but I have adopted a few things that I like to do to keep me happy and you might want to try doing a few or you may just get happy laughing at me and the graphic of what I am doing. Whatever. That is fine with me.

I have a long drive to work every morning and I don't like to drive in aggressive morning traffic. My mornings at home are generally quiet and calm and pleasurable. Then I get in my vehicle. And compete for space on a stretch of concrete, perpetually in a state of repair. So I tried a few different things.
For a while, I drove aggressively too. Growling and swerving and giving the finger a lot. Stressing myself out before work, no bueno.

Anyway, I just decided to listen to dance music all the way to the I 95, and dance in my car as much and as hard as possible. Its a two laner so you have to stop really quickly when a car is coming. Well, I do...I stop and then I laugh at myself and start dancing again. I just don't want to scare people.

I also pretend something with each car that is passing me. I pretend that the person or people in the other car are a part of my immediate family or my closest friends and I begin naturally sending out mental hugs to them and wishing them well upon their way. "Drive safely, I love you!"

The people I talk with at work, mostly our customers... well, I have begun to interact with them the same way, as if they are my brothers or sisters. I don't actually tell them I love them... well a few of them, maybe, but mostly I just try to keep that thought in my head.

I don't know, but these three little things make my morning a beautiful time and it carries into my life, something unconditional. And its really easy to do. It makes me feel good.
If you can pretend a little, you will be surprised how quickly you begin to get the connection, that we really are all the same, unconditionally. You are my brother and my sister and my best friend.
You are kind and gentle. And so loving. And you are beautiful in ways that only you can be.
You are the perfect you. Thanks.



p.s. If you ever want to share this blog with anyone, please do.



 

Black cloud or rainbow????

You don't mean to let it bug you to death. You try to stay in the moment and be happy because that is the next best thing to do.... especially when you don't know what else TO do.
But you can't help but sweat it a little bit.  There is just this little black cloud that sort of looms...
And I never liked sweating.

Any way... enough of babble-blogging.

My PET scan results came in today and Cory, my God-sent angel of a nurse, called me with good news.
The PET shows nothing. We still have to keep a close eye on blood levels which have been creeping up...but there is no new visible anything. Whew!

I am really, really, really, learning how to not take anything for granted. It is awesome.

So, no more dark clouds but rainbows and sunbeams and the blue bird of happiness!!

Thank you again, so much for keeping all the positivity flowing. 

See how great you are?? 

Can I just add here that my grandson, James.. is about the cuddliest thing when he first wakes up in the morning with his little pirate pj's on. He climbs up and tastes homemade apple butter and peach jam. He couldn't decide which was his favorite.

 Hmmmmmmm..... peach.....

 Hmmmmmmm.... apple butter......

 Who cares!

I read that our planet had plant life for thousands of years before the first flower ever bloomed.
I didn't realize how much I took them for granted.

 The same force of life that allows that flower to bloom is in all of us. It is our connection to each other.

 I think this energy will flow through us and to everyone we touch like the electricity that flows through the wires of an extension cord.

I have no special power, any more than an extension cord but just like that cord, I can connect.
This life force, this connection, is ours by some sort of divine right, if we simply connect...  plug it in.












 I just love that. I just love you because we are all connected.We are all the same.

When I am with people that my heart is close to I tingle with the excitement and joy of being with them.
It must be why I love family dinners at our house. They are big events and filled with a bundle of people I love. I am buzzing from just thinking about it! My thoughts about having fun times together with family and close friends make me feel great, alive and happy. And all I am doing is thinking. (goosebumps)

I also get a kick out of talking to everybody I come in contact with. I try to talk to everyone. I try to engage the lady that checks out my groceries or the waitress that brings our food, the people I talk with on the telephone at work... and I try to remember that we are all one and the same.
I wonder, "Why is this particular person here, in front of me at this moment in time.." and I try to understand. Sometimes... I can get the same buzz from a total stranger that I get from interacting with my family and close friends. Its there. It is always there. It is the connection from whence all comes.

Our short, little lives aren't even a blip on the screen of time as we know it on this little blue ball, floating through space. Therefore, our problems, hardly even register. They almost don't exist. They amount to practically nothing. Not even a pimple on a gnats ass.

Have you ever looked at a geological time scale?? This one isn't very exact... but you get the idea.

That is some long span of time, huh? So you see, our little problems don't amount to a hill of beans.
Now, go forth and be happy.

My PET Scan was sort of cancelled and re-scheduled. The tube shut down with me in it. Such fun!
No big deal and not nearly as scary as getting caught in the drive-through car wash last week... with my dog... and let me tell you about the muck on the floor inside one of those darn things.


Better yet, forget it... cause it doesn't amount to a hill of beans. : D

Make a memory this weekend!!!

I Love you!!  
 

Keeping it real

I began writing this blog last May.. I think, or maybe June.

At first, I was reluctant and shared it with only a few people. It was so personal. I had some growing to do. I had just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and it sounded a lot like a death sentance.

I didn't know how things would turn out. And, well.... I didn't want to start a blog with all my friends and family and then... croak, and have a blog hanging around out there in cyber space. Ewww.
I have since gone through a bunch of chemo, surgery, etc. and responded to treatment remarkable well.


The dred threat of it returning will probably always be there.


When you are handed a particularily tough situation, it is in a way, a priviledge... something out there is telling you that you are able to handle it. Its an opportunity to either grow from it and get something good out of it or just give up and watch your toes roll up and disappear under that house that fell on you.

I simply took things as they came and worked on staying positive and happy and breathing, one minute at a time. I am not amazing or extraordinary... more like extra ordinary.
The weird thing is, we are all finite so why are we shocked and saddened by death? Everybody dies, and on some level, we must realize this. We just usually never know when, so we pretend to not realize it and live as though we have a zillion more sunsets to take in so whats the big deal about this one?

But, you never know.

You may never see the last person you just talked to again. Tonight may be the last chance you have to make the person you love a nice dinner... or tell them you love them... or go for a walk.



I do believe you can choose to be happy.



It isn't always easy, but it is definitely a choice and almost always the better choice to make. And no matter what you are dealing with, and we all have shit we are dealing with, you can take the moment you are in right now, right this second and breathe in, slowly.... a big deep breath and exhale and remind yourself to choose happy. Don't spend a lot of time worrying about anything. Worrying seems to always be about something in the past or in the future. You are not in either, you're here, right now.

In this very moment, I am happy, and feel great and am full of love and cake! Right here, right now everything is wonderful. I am not worried about a thing.

The next time you are in a situation you don't like, breathe and remember to only be in this single moment of existance, and control your emotions to only feel happy.

Rolling in a big pile of fall leaves happy..

Wedding day bliss happy...

Whatever brings a smile to your face... think of that and make the choice.

If you can do it for a just a second, you can do it for an hour and if you can do it for an hour...

you can do anything, this one moment, at a time.

I already love you if you are here, reading this blog. For reals.

Thanks for sticking in here with me. I wish you knew how much I feel your love and support. It is tangible.

There's this kid... well, he is my grandson...

There is this kid. His name is Ryan. He is getting close to three years old and like all of my grandchildren, he melts my heart.

He is smart as hell. Hilarious. And a Rocker.

And.... I think he wants a baby sister or brother pretty bad.
I noticed at Easter, how affectionate he was with his baby cousin, Jonah.


Excuse me while I melt.

Is this the sweetest thing?

Or maybe this is. I can't decide.

We have three grandsons who live very close to us. It is such a joy to be with them.

The little cherub of a girl is Isabel, the boy's cousin.

Check out Ryan...still hugging.

 Isabel, James, Ryan and Jonah.





So I picked Ryan up on Monday after Easter to spend the night. I didn't have a plan and was thinking how I don't have that many toys at the house so I asked Ryan if he'd help me pick up a few toys and he could pick out a whatever he wanted for himself that we could keep at our house.



I didn't have much trouble convincing him.



We played in the Toys R Us store for at least an hour.



First he picked out a basketball goal and ball that looked pretty cool. So we added that to our basket.



We bought marbles, sidewalk chalk and a few other things.

As we rolled down an isle of motion sensor activated baby dolls, his face just lit up and I could see that he had found what he wanted.



He got inside the basket with the baby doll that giggled and cooed and jumped up and down. He loved it. Her name is Pookey Baby.
I have no problem with this.

He only put her down for cupcakes.

 

He eats cupcakes topless and that is a good idea.

Grandchildren are just so incredibly awesome. They are so "in the moment". Its good to be around them because they remind you of what is important. And they remind you how to be almost 3 again.

Go ahead, eat a cupcake face first.

Dive right into that icing and work your way down. 

I will never eat a cupcake any other way.

:  )

CA125 showed an increase this month.

Its up to 240 from 160 and they will start me back on chemo at about 350 or so.

And so it goes.

Okay, I hear you...

I have received more than just a few emails and phone calls asking

 "What the hell is going on and why aren't you blogging!!!!????"

Sorry.

Here, I'll tell you a story and then you will laugh and not be mad anymore.

When I was a little girl, about 6 years old, I was invited to be a flower girl in my cousin's pageant.

I was the youngest of three kids and my cousin was
the oldest in my Mom's sister's brood.

Betty.

Betty was of an era that still exists in many American families today. Usually the oldest sister. The know it all that would tell on you and the one that was treated like some level of royalty for various reasons that had nothing to do with being Betty but more to do with being "first born" or "first girl" or whatever.

I was the third kid so it was more like ... whatever.

But Betty was perfect.

She strived to be perfect. Perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect amount of merit badges from girl scouts.

And she was always sweet to me in a "oh you poor little thing from a cotton patch" sort of way.
Betty lived in Memphis and went to East High, where Elvis went to High School
only a couple of years ahead of Betty.

I remember the entire attic at my Aunt Dot's house was full of Betty's ball gowns. I mean there was nothing up there but clothing racks that were full of ball gowns. And accessories. Now, my Aunt Dot worked for General Electric for something like 25 years, all day long, poking 4 little wires through 4 little holes in a little socket.

That is what she told me anyway.

But... I can't imagine how many of those little wires had to be poked to make

the dough to buy one of those ball gowns much less a hundred of them.

I wanted to get into that attic and play like you cannot imagine.

So, although I had no clear idea what a pageant was, I was in...

 thinking that I might just get a shot at dress up yet.

Rainbow girls is an organization that is a part of the Eastern Star,

the woman's side of the Mason's fraternal order.

It is sort of like Eastern Star women in training.

(My grandmother was in the Eastern Star but all I saw of it was a

bunch of women that did all the cooking for pot luck dinners at the lodge.)

Betty, being perfect, was to be crowned the Queen of all the Rainbow Girls.

And the pageant was like a wedding of sorts but no groom. I was 6. 

Anyway, I was to be the flower girl and George was to be the crown bearer. 

I got a new dress but wore my current white patent shoes that hurt my feet.

I remember those damned shoes. 

The time for the pageant was drawing near.

My sister, 6 years older and extremely authoritative, had me at home alone, 20 miles in the middle of
no where.

She told me that Mom had called and wanted her to cut my hair for the pageant.

"Nuh-uh! I want to call Mama!"

No, my sister told me because she is at work and too busy. So several threats later, my sister Nena, began her short lived career as a hair dresser. 

The bangs she cut were always longer on one side than the other so she had to even them up and then...

they were longer on the other side and so on, until there just weren't any bangs left.

Mom threw a fit when she came home.  

I don't remember how they got things evened out and I didn't really care about my hair.

I had my new dress on and my squeezy shoes and I had a bouquet to hold and

I thought I looked pretty damn good,

until Betty came in.

I remember Betty, coming through some big doors with tons of Rainbow Girls all hugging and making over her like a Queen...

She had on the prettiest white flowing organza filled lacy mesh wonder I'd ever laid eyes on.

She took one look at me, and burst into tears.

Come on...

Well, Betty's life wasn't nearly ruined like she thought and

I got this great photo to help remember this event.
It is always worth a good laugh to me. 

Betty never managed to achieve perfection.

I never got to play in that attic either.

My last blood work showed no increase in the level of CA-125, tumor markers.

Hallelujah!
Join me in being really, really happy.
Thank you all so much for your support. I will try to be more diligent in my reporting.

All my love...

  

Did you see the Moon last night????

The full moon as it rises over the Lincoln Memorial, Saturday, March 19, 2011.

Last nights full moon was very special. It was called a Super Perigee Moon. It was huge and gorgeous.

It was actually about 14% closer than normal and 30% brighter.

The perigee is the point in the orbit of the moon when it is nearest the Earth.

The "Super" perigee is the same thing but with a full moon.

Ahhhhhh.......

And,

This particular full moon happened to occur during the vernal or spring equinox,

a time each year that signifies the birth of Spring.

The vernal equinox is a time when the Earth's axis is not tilted away from or toward the Sun and the Sun will cross directly over the Earth's equator.

It is a  little over my astronomical head but here.. look at this picture and see if it helps... 

Anyway, there is a small window of time during the vernal equinox,

when you can easily balance an egg on end.

The last time there was a Super Perigee Moon during a Vernal equinox was on March 19, 1993,

the day I married the love of my life.

See the egg on the alter, just in front of the cross?

His story is, "I told Billie I'd marry her the day she could balance an egg on end,

and damned if she didn't find one!"

Still madly in love with him after all these years.