Living life and loving every minute

Time has been flying by and so much is going on... I have gotten way behind in my blog and I don't even know where to start.
My computer melted down.. so there is an excuse for the delay...so I bought super cool laptop. (yippee!) I had actually written a few posts and lost them all. And its hard for me to re-create a post. Plus it really ticks me off to lose them like that.

I have started back to work from home, part time, and that has been great... but I needed more income so I started another part time job close to home and let me tell you... two, 20 hour a week jobs means that you work about 60 hours. I know the math doesn't add up but that is what you do.
 
So, I have the two jobs but my original boss now wants me to come back full time. They had hired a couple of people but one left and there's lots to do and they need me full time... only now the people at my new part time job have gotten attached to me and they don't want to let me go and they are fighting to keep me. Its crazy. Flattering but crazy! Okay, I made a birthday cake and that clinched the deal. I do make a pretty good chocolate cake. So here is one of my co workers and my newest boss. They are really sweet.

 

Allow, allow, allow. Breathe and let it work out. It always does. : ) You can freak out if you want to but in the end, it will all work out just as it is supposed to.




Another blessing in my life, my son Ryan and his beautiful wife, Sonya, had twin baby girls on Sunday. (Do I have to call him my step-son when I love him like my own??) They are so beautiful and perfect and tiny and different and perfect in every way. (Yes, they are perfect... twice.)
Isn't the birth of a child about as close as we get to witnessing a real miracle on earth? I think so.



Meet Scarlett....

 and Amelia.....

 Their daddy, Ryan....

And my wife in law, Jo.
 

Life goes on and on. It is so amazingly beautiful. I got to see the girls tonight for the first time with my husband's ex wife and our son. That may sound odd to you but its not to us. She calls me her wife-in-law. I love my husbands ex wife. She is an awesome woman and has always been a great friend to me. Her son is my son and since he is a twin too, I appreciate the fact that she brought them into the world. Boy do I appreciate that!






 I am feeling pretty well. Chemo last Thursday. Had a little rough weekend and back to work on Monday. Twin baby girls to see Tuesday. How can I be anything but happy??

We will do a PET scan in a couple of weeks and see what my innards look like. The chemo I am on now is tolerable. The doc wanted to amp it up and use a stronger chemo because I can tolerate it but I whined. I have hair. I feel pretty good most of the time. I like feeling a little more normal. He relented. So in a few weeks we will see what the  scan says and go from there. Cross your fingers and toes.

Count your blessings my angels. They are there. Be careful with your words. Choose them wisely. My Hubbie said that he prayed for patience and now God puts every slow, 80 year old driver in Florida right in front of him.  LOL!
He is right. That is how it works. You don't learn patience any other way. Or anything else for that matter. I appreciate my lessons. I am leaning. I don't want to have to go to summer school.

I don't look happy but I am!! A little pooped... and I didn't know my hubbie was taking a picture.... so sorry... but look, I have hair! Yipppeee!!!


LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE!!!!! 

Allowing

Sorry for the delay in posting.

We have all been so busy and I am so glad to sit quietly sometimes and just think for a while. Drink a cup of tea. Leave off the television and ignore electronics in general. I love putzing around the house.

I find myself talking to the television. Example: I just caught myself telling a woman on TV, that I don't know, what an idiot she was for choosing the 4 bedroom penthouse in Kuala lumpur rather than the 3 bedroom with an indoor/outdoor pool.

Kuala Lumpur and why should I care?

You know what that is?
Judging.


And I am not saying that we need to stop being judgmental, but you can notice that when your mind is occupied with judging, you aren't really living in the moment. You aren't really here.
Your somewhere else like... Malaysia.




If you don't believe it, trying having a conversation with someone who is really into a football game on TV.

Judging puts us in a state of mind where everything is either good or bad. That keeps us busy.
We feel we are in charge of constantly determining every event in every moment and judging whether it is good or bad. Rather than it just is. Trust me, I am as guilty as anyone. But you can chose to turn off the TV. And leave off the music. Sit quietly and enjoy a few moments right now. Facebook will still be there.



In this moment, I feel great. I am comfy in my home with my Hubbie, dog, cats and Mom. It's a beautiful day. It is almost noon and I still have on PJ's and fuzzy slippers and Big Al's old, soft, blue robe.
I am just here. 

Rather than categorizing every event as either a bad or a good, try to just be here now, in this moment.

What I’m feeling is much more helpful than why something isn’t what I think it should be.
Even if I wish to change the situation of the moment, it’s far more useful to allow it without any judgment... and then notice everything I can about it.
And really  appreciate it.

I just read something about being grateful. Do we sit at a Christmas dinner table, with a beautiful plate of food and say, "Wow, that is a great plate of food"  or do we consider everything that goes into the entire process of raising a pig, or a turkey or a cow... manufacturing, processing, all the separate ingredients from all over the world? You might include the hundreds of generations who bred and improved the plant varieties to make your perfect green bean casserole. What about the oven and the utensils... the grocery store and all the different vendors that supply them with all the millions of items we all need. And the plate... where it came from how it was made what was required to make it, how many hands were involved in the entire process just to give you a "Wow" plate of food. Its a lot when you really consider all there is. I thought I was being pretty damn thankful til I read that.

Being grateful opens your heart. When you stand in a circle with your family, holding hands and saying a prayer, before a wonderful holiday dinner, your open heart is connected to all the open hearts in that circle. It is so strong and beautiful that I always tear up. But, there is more. When you are joined together like that, you are connecting to all the open hearts there are. And nothing is better than being in that moment.
Keep it going.

 Dale Carnegie, once wrote:
“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon—instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”

 

Third round of chemo down yesterday. Feeling pretty great.
Feeling your love, always gets me through it all. Thank you, thank you. I am so very grateful.

Old friends

 I had the sweetest email from an old friend of mine. Cheryl and I developed a close friendship while working together for several years. She had created from nothing but hard work and determination, a magazine. It was very much like Architectural  Digest, but on a localized, St. Petersburg /Tampa, Florida area. It was a great vehicle within which to reach that high end prospective clientele interested in home design and construction. Every high end furniture store, designer, builder etc., wanted to advertise in her publication.I both bought advertising from Cheryl and later wrote several articles for the publication. I loved doing both.

After about 9 years, Cheryl began to have normal business and personal complications of life. A perfectly wonderful business floundered. A very close and deeply personal friend of hers died a pointless and painful death. Life became to her an out of control, downward spiral.

Been there?


I read an email from her this morning and she quoted an old Bob Dylan song. I had to  go to Youtube and play the entire song, right then.

Hi Billie,

How are you today?  Life is so good and bad, isn't it?  I am not religious but I have my days where I feel like Job from the bible and have to ask, "Just how much more before I can have my old life back?"  And then I realize that is never going to happen.  I had to close my business at the end of 2007 due to the Florida economy falling into a black hole.  I still deal with the pain, sometimes pretty bad, of a botched surgery in 2005.  Brian died in 2006 and he's not coming back, nor is my beloved cat Boogie who is one of the best friends I've ever had.  Everything I thought was essentially 'etched in stone' in my life has changed.  And then I read the last paragraph of Bob Dylan's, "It's all over now baby blue" and felt really encouraged. 

"Leave your stepping stones behind, something calls for you.
Forget the dead you've left, they will not follow you.
The vagabond who's rapping at your door
Is standing in the clothes that you once wore.
Strike another match, go start anew
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.. "

I so understand what you said in your blog about work. Work is good for some like you and I who derive a real sense of worth in giving to the world in our own small way through our work. and work is an old friend that is a constant through the changing times.

Sometimes life can feel like you are totally being punished. Devastating. But Cheryl was handed some hard lessons that only someone who is able to handle would receive. These lessons are a gift to her. She is constantly growing and learning from them. She feels the loss of things that are never really lost, but she is determined to move forward with her lessons and keep going. She is a joy to watch.


Someone asked me the other day if I felt like I was being punished.
No, not at all. In fact, just the complete opposite. I think all my prayers are answered. Who doesn't want to be a better person? My prayers are not for new bedroom carpeting or to make me cancer free. My prayers are to be a better person. Give me strength and courage. Let me help my friends and families through this. Show me.


You just don't "get" courageousness in a pretty package all wrapped up with a big bow. You have to be subjected to elements that bring out your courage; the courage that is already within you that you just have to find. Without the lessons, you don't even know its there. If you don't know that you need it, you are never going to go looking for it are you?
You aren't handed strength. You have to want it badly enough to do the things to strengthen yourself.

Dear God, 

Please fix everything in my life, make me pretty and financially secure with lots of good friends, and all the materialistic things a good life should contain, according to Vogue and Traditional Home Magazines.
And Please God, I don't want to have to work or suffer for anything. 

Oh, and you better throw in some appreciation with all that cause I can't seem to come up with enough of it on my own. 

Thanks God












I don't think the answer to that prayer would be what that prayee has in mind at all.  But that is how we all are to a degree. We do want all the stuff but it is hard to go through the shit to get to the "Oh, I get it now!" part.






I have been given nothing but blessings. Everyday may not feel that way but I know this. It is the gift of courage and strength. You are never handed something you didn't ask for. So get up off the pity potty and rise from confusion to peace. Sadness and joy sit at the same table. When sadness gets up and leaves the table, joy sits down.


There is nothing that is going to happen to you that your own soul hasn't created. Allow it. Believe in yourself. Listen deeply.

Second round of the newest chemo is done and I am feelin O'Tay! Numbers had come down after the first round by about 30%. I'll take it.

Back in the saddle again....

Today I begin again. My life has been on hold for weeks it seems and today, I am going to meet with my employer and start to get things back on track. It feels good and I am nervous. Silly, I know but I could hardly sleep.

I cannot remember a time since I was a kid when I didn't work. Not being able to go to work or earn a living does something bad to you. (It also does something really bad to your bank account and that only makes things worse.)  I know my self worth isn't based upon my income, or my car or my clothes etc., but damn... working is an old habit/responsibility that always kept me going when I didn't really believe I could. And not being able to do anything but shuffle around the house made me feel like a useless lump. I am excited to get back to work and contribute something besides homemade soup and apple butter.

So, if you are getting ready for work today and thinking you wish you didn't have to.... and sure we have all done that countless times... just remember to be thankful that you can work. 

Work is love made visible.

And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy.

- Kahlil Gibran

I am so appreciative that while I have been off, I have had my little sanctuary here for my recuperation and my Hubbie to spend almost everyday with me. We have never had the chance to spend so much time together on a daily basis. That part has been incredibly awesome. Of course, we both felt pretty poopy and guilty for being here and not doing the countless chores that always need done to your home but, that is okay. Chores will always be there.











Some days it has just been so hard to get up. On many of those days, I will come to this blog and read your past comments. What a tonic. Your words continue to inspire me each and every day. I really can't thank you enough.    

Here is a little more from Mr. Gibran... a favorite poet of mine and countless others... It explains better than I can, how I love you.

Hope your day is perfect in every way. 

On Love

      Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
      And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
      When love beckons to you follow him,
      Though his ways are hard and steep.
      And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
      Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him,
      Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
      For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
      Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
      So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
      He threshes you to make you naked.
      He sifts you to free you from your husks.
      He grinds you to whiteness.
      He kneads you until you are pliant;
      And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
      All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
      But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
      Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
      Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
      Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
      Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
      And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
      Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
      But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
      To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
      To know the pain of too much tenderness.
      To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
      And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
      To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
      To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
      To return home at eventide with gratitude;
      And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Monday, Monday

It has been a long few of weeks. Me in and out of the hospital, Charlie with his Back surgery and me starting back on chemo. Never a dull moment around here!



Truthfully, I am fine. This new chemo was not so bad and I feel pretty normal.

Charlie on the other hand is not so great. The problem with back surgery is that once you have one its like playing Jenga with your spine. You have a bulging disc, they do a little surgery to remove the bulge and this collapses the disc causing extra pressure on the next one. Charlie has had about 5 surgeries. Afterwards, they build up scar tissue, bone spurs, calcify, bulge again etc. So he is dealing with several levels (of hell). This last surgery was minimally invasive and the removed a lot of scar tissue, bone spurs etc. But, only on one level. He will have to go back at least one more time to get any real relief from his pain. They only work on one level at a time. And it does fill like you are one of the herd. The doctors and nurses were all well qualified but everything has gotten to be rote. They don't really listen. It is easy to see. They fold their arms over their chest, they look at the ceiling or worse, close their eyes. They don't engage in what you are saying to them but just allow you the time to spit it out. They are condescending in their response. And they get paid a bunch of money. What a racket. 

But.... I am thankful. We may not be in such great shape, but we are together and that certainly helps. We try to keep each other going. When I am blue, he helps me and vice versa. So far we haven't had a day when both of us were down.

TV sucks though... just had to say it.

Thanksgiving is around the corner. It is my favorite holiday. All the food and none of the pressure of spending money you don't have to buy presents no one will really want. (Whoa... that sounded pretty Scroogey!)

I have apple butter cooking in the kitchen and the whole house smells wonderful.

So, that is the update for today.

Thank you for being there for me. I appreciate you so much. Your comments and prayers and love and hugs get me through each day with more happiness than you can imagine. 

Love you

Are you listening??

Dear God,

Please take care of my Hubbie today while is is having back surgery. He is the most wonderful husband, father, grandfather, son in law and friend to so many people. He has had to suck up his back pain for so long while I have dealt with my issues... the ones you already know all about. Please just take care of him and help him to recover and feel better quickly.

Thanks for all the help you have given us. I know I am a little person and can't see the big picture... the forest for the trees, you know... I am sure there is a plan and that I had a big part in designing it. I believe my life was written, something like a play, before I was ever born. Thanks also for the free will to try to accept what I have to deal with and to to try maintain a happy, positive attitude through it all. 

Please help my kids and my friends and family who are hurting with me as I go through this scene of my life. It is so hard on everyone else too.  

I know its not over until its over. I am giving it my best shot. Ultimately we know the ending to all of our stories but I don't want to try to do your job. I will just keep showing up and doing the best I can and maintain as positive an attitude as I can. And if I can't quite get there today, I will try again tomorrow.

I am sure I will be talking to you on Friday when I start my next cycle of chemo. Until then, forget me and take care of Charlie, please.

I love you,
Billie

Time

Time has been at a stand still. Days are rolling by and one is just like the next. Waiting and waiting for things to change, test results to come in, Doctors to confer, etc. Hoping that the situation will improve and accepting what is. Or at least, trying to.

Charlie, aka Hubbie, has not left my side in the last 3 to 4 weeks. Its not that he just wants to be close to me... but he has some major back trouble too. And he wants to be close to me. Seriously, he is planning to have a minimally invasive back surgery in about 10 days. He has had several surgeries before and they are hoping to give him relief by removing any built up scar tissue. We are quite the pair. And even though I feel like crap, look like crap and probably smell like crap... he makes me feel like a queen. And he is in more pain than I am, pretty sure.

Thursday I had a PET scan done. It is a pretty cool test actually. You can't eat any carbs, sugar or caffeine for a couple of days and then they inject you with a dose of radiated glucose. This is immediately drawn to any cancer and lights up in the test. It showed the the obstruction I am dealing with is a tumor. Now the odd thing to me is that this little bugger popped up while I was going through the last two rounds of chemo. So, I am confused and I don't much like it. I see my oncologist tomorrow. And I have another test on Tuesday which is what they need to see exactly what and where they are dealing with surgically. I have to drink about a quart of some noxious fluid that tastes like liquid lemon pledge. They refer to it as "Pina Colada". They have a strong imagination.


Anyway, that is the story for now as far as I have it. Lots of unknown. Lots of homemade soup in the kitchen. Lots of time frittering away. I have never been much of a fritterer. Rainy days aren't so bad but when it is so beautiful outside, I feel so guilty. Its terrible. I can't remember not working. And for now, I just can't go back. I can't even plan when I will be able to. The people I work for are so kind and tell me I will have a job when I want to come back.

No benefit in worrying about things. I know. And I know, as many of you point out to me... almost daily, that it is okay for me to kick and scream and say how much it all sucks. I have my moments, trust me. But for the most part, I am just hanging here in limbo, waiting to see what will unfold and trying to remember that it is just the way life goes. I have been handed a hell of a plate to deal with and somebody must think I am capable. So I have to believe I am too. That is what I hold on to. That and my sweet husband and all your loving thoughts, prayers, comments, love and hugs.  I am holding on.