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I get so many calls, emails and texts from friends and family telling me they can't leave a comment. I think because this blog is a Google blog that you may have had to have a gmail account to comment but... I have changed the settings on the comment thingy and I believe that anyone should be able to leave a comment. I am not technically that savvy but this is the diagram I used.... JUST KIDDING!

 

Please, oh please, for me... leave a comment when you can. You have no idea how much I love, appreciate and need them. And so does the rest of the world... or at least the part of the world that reads this blog. To date,there have been 7,493 people who have read my blog. Not individuals... but just how many times it has been read... but still... that is a lot. To me, anyway. And if you ever think there is someone who might benefit from reading it, by all means, share the thing.

 Here is one comment from a dear friend of mine and my Hubbies... He and his wife and the two of us have spent a bunch of time together and had a ball over the years.

Billie,

 

I enjoy reading your blog.  I would respond to it there but for some reason I can't get the response thing to work.  I think I am a fairly intelligent being but I must be generationally challenged when it comes to computer stuff.

 

Anyway I need to take exception to your last entry.  I have known you for a long time now and I think I know you fairly well.  So what I have to say carries some weight.  You DO look good!  You have always looked good and you always will look good!  The packaging is great but your spirit shows through too so the overall effect is very impressive! 

 

Anyway, that's what I have to say.

 

Love you Billie,

 

Charlie

 

 How sweet is that?? How could I have a bad day after reading this comment???? No way! 

There are many more, but you get the idea. Please check it out and let me know.

 

Saturday my Hubbie and I are driving to Savannah to meet my eldest son, his wife and their two kids, spend the night, eat at Paula Deen's I hope and then we will bring the kids back to W. Palm for a week with us. I am so excited I can hardly stand it.
Paula Deen and I have a lot in common. A lot of BUTTER! 


XOXOXOXOXO,
Billie

Sometimes people can really piss me off

It is odd to me that at the most inopportune times, people will sort of demand, loudly, to know how I am doing. Not people that I know well... but acquaintances... people that I only know superficially.

When I say that I am great., they continue to probe and ask 

"Really, are you really okay?".
















This happened to me at a social gathering recently. I was in a strange home with about 50 people I didn't know and I found myself on a petri dish being examined by total strangers. After the third probing "are you okay really?? "  the other total strangers sitting near me turned and leaned in a little to hear my answer.

Ewww, what a yucky feeling.  I am never sure what I should say and sometimes my attitude isn't so sweet and my fuse isn't so long.

So... what came out after the third time this person asked if I am really, really okay was,
"If I weren't, this wouldn't be the time or place I would discuss it."

I thought of an old friend that used to say that I had the ability tell someone to fuck off and they'd never even realize it.

I felt guilty for saying that, but really?? I know, it was rude and she was just being nice and acting like she was genuinely interested.  And its not that I have a problem talking about it but inappropriate is inappropriate.

The next thing she informed me was, "Well, you look good."

That dreaded line. How I hate it. 
Reading between the lines it sounds more like, "Well, you look good, for someone with cancer."


This person looks good. I do not remotely resemble this person.




I have always been a private person. I am social and outgoing and talk to everyone, so most people don't notice... but very few people ever really get to know me deep down inside. And just because I have gone through a bad spot doesn't give people who really don't know me the right to probe. They don't really want to know anyway.  I am just not sure what they expect me to say.

There isn't a cure for cancer. I am doing as well as I possibly can. It is hard as hell to get up most mornings and face the day with a smile. But I try. And I look for all the things that I have in this day that I am thankful for and there are millions of them.

I know that I usually post something a little more positive but just so you know... I am not always positive.

An ode to family love

Some things are so hard to describe. We are conditioned to use words with which to label everything in our minds, but love is not of the mind. That is why it frustrates us in trying to describe it.

 Love is in the half sleepy eyed rapture a baby boy feels for his Grandmother as she snuggles him.

 Or a grandfather that represents love in protective ways that kids cling to, with all their hands and hearts.

 Love can empathize with having a bo-bo...

 And relish in the joy that the bo-bo was kissed away!

 There is the joy of life beaming from each of these shiny faced kids as one goes in for a lick...

 And everyone else shares in the joy and envy of that taste of sweet delight.. stolen as it were

 Something else unnamed appears here in this sweet, cherub girl. Her innocence and light is beyond any word that I have ever heard.

 I can't name what I feel when I see this 13 year old boy.
No wait...I blinked and he is now a father and an uncle... 

and still a sweet, mischievous boy at heart.

My daughter in law, Kara... who came and brought my two oldest grandchildren to live with us for almost a year while Niles was in Afghanistan. Having them here to love on while he was gone really, really eased the gaping hole in my heart. You just can't get that from anybody.

I love this shot of my big goofball son, Niles. Do you think I have words ?

Alana makes this little humming sound when she makes this face. It is a look and sound of happiness.

(no word required)

One day, Griffin will be sorry he poses like a drooling moron in all photos. 

LOL! Like goofball, like goofball's son. 

I love how these kids have no problem hanging on you like this all day and half the night. Its awesome.

I am so lucky to have my family. You could think and read and talk and ponder forever and not have the words to describe it all. If you can name it, that's not it. It is way more.



Blood count is on a steady but slow increase. More testing in the near future and it seems, more treatment too.
I feel great. Really great. But it is weird to have something hanging over your head like this. You watch your life as if you are standing outside of it. You know your clock is ticking and you can't hold the hands to make it stop. Most of the time I am focused on appreciating every day but there is a sadness to it too. It seems every movie you watch or song or photo, reminds you of your eminent future. Little episodes that occur in daily life... arguments with a boss, bitchy people on the phone, all seem so stupid and pointless. I don't want to waste any time with such trivial nonsense.
Having a sort of heads up gives you the opportunity to think on the meaning of it all. I am not giving up. Not by a long shot. I am comfortable with allowing my life to take its course. And to continue. When the time comes, I will exit the stage and continue on with this journey on some other level. No doubt in my mind.    

I will always love you,
Billie 

An exercise in an alternative to exercise

Okay, you are going to think I am weird or maybe losing my mind but I have adopted a few things that I like to do to keep me happy and you might want to try doing a few or you may just get happy laughing at me and the graphic of what I am doing. Whatever. That is fine with me.

I have a long drive to work every morning and I don't like to drive in aggressive morning traffic. My mornings at home are generally quiet and calm and pleasurable. Then I get in my vehicle. And compete for space on a stretch of concrete, perpetually in a state of repair. So I tried a few different things.
For a while, I drove aggressively too. Growling and swerving and giving the finger a lot. Stressing myself out before work, no bueno.

Anyway, I just decided to listen to dance music all the way to the I 95, and dance in my car as much and as hard as possible. Its a two laner so you have to stop really quickly when a car is coming. Well, I do...I stop and then I laugh at myself and start dancing again. I just don't want to scare people.

I also pretend something with each car that is passing me. I pretend that the person or people in the other car are a part of my immediate family or my closest friends and I begin naturally sending out mental hugs to them and wishing them well upon their way. "Drive safely, I love you!"

The people I talk with at work, mostly our customers... well, I have begun to interact with them the same way, as if they are my brothers or sisters. I don't actually tell them I love them... well a few of them, maybe, but mostly I just try to keep that thought in my head.

I don't know, but these three little things make my morning a beautiful time and it carries into my life, something unconditional. And its really easy to do. It makes me feel good.
If you can pretend a little, you will be surprised how quickly you begin to get the connection, that we really are all the same, unconditionally. You are my brother and my sister and my best friend.
You are kind and gentle. And so loving. And you are beautiful in ways that only you can be.
You are the perfect you. Thanks.



p.s. If you ever want to share this blog with anyone, please do.



 

Black cloud or rainbow????

You don't mean to let it bug you to death. You try to stay in the moment and be happy because that is the next best thing to do.... especially when you don't know what else TO do.
But you can't help but sweat it a little bit.  There is just this little black cloud that sort of looms...
And I never liked sweating.

Any way... enough of babble-blogging.

My PET scan results came in today and Cory, my God-sent angel of a nurse, called me with good news.
The PET shows nothing. We still have to keep a close eye on blood levels which have been creeping up...but there is no new visible anything. Whew!

I am really, really, really, learning how to not take anything for granted. It is awesome.

So, no more dark clouds but rainbows and sunbeams and the blue bird of happiness!!

Thank you again, so much for keeping all the positivity flowing. 

See how great you are?? 

Can I just add here that my grandson, James.. is about the cuddliest thing when he first wakes up in the morning with his little pirate pj's on. He climbs up and tastes homemade apple butter and peach jam. He couldn't decide which was his favorite.

 Hmmmmmmm..... peach.....

 Hmmmmmmm.... apple butter......

 Who cares!