Sometimes people can really piss me off

It is odd to me that at the most inopportune times, people will sort of demand, loudly, to know how I am doing. Not people that I know well... but acquaintances... people that I only know superficially.

When I say that I am great., they continue to probe and ask 

"Really, are you really okay?".
















This happened to me at a social gathering recently. I was in a strange home with about 50 people I didn't know and I found myself on a petri dish being examined by total strangers. After the third probing "are you okay really?? "  the other total strangers sitting near me turned and leaned in a little to hear my answer.

Ewww, what a yucky feeling.  I am never sure what I should say and sometimes my attitude isn't so sweet and my fuse isn't so long.

So... what came out after the third time this person asked if I am really, really okay was,
"If I weren't, this wouldn't be the time or place I would discuss it."

I thought of an old friend that used to say that I had the ability tell someone to fuck off and they'd never even realize it.

I felt guilty for saying that, but really?? I know, it was rude and she was just being nice and acting like she was genuinely interested.  And its not that I have a problem talking about it but inappropriate is inappropriate.

The next thing she informed me was, "Well, you look good."

That dreaded line. How I hate it. 
Reading between the lines it sounds more like, "Well, you look good, for someone with cancer."


This person looks good. I do not remotely resemble this person.




I have always been a private person. I am social and outgoing and talk to everyone, so most people don't notice... but very few people ever really get to know me deep down inside. And just because I have gone through a bad spot doesn't give people who really don't know me the right to probe. They don't really want to know anyway.  I am just not sure what they expect me to say.

There isn't a cure for cancer. I am doing as well as I possibly can. It is hard as hell to get up most mornings and face the day with a smile. But I try. And I look for all the things that I have in this day that I am thankful for and there are millions of them.

I know that I usually post something a little more positive but just so you know... I am not always positive.

An ode to family love

Some things are so hard to describe. We are conditioned to use words with which to label everything in our minds, but love is not of the mind. That is why it frustrates us in trying to describe it.

 Love is in the half sleepy eyed rapture a baby boy feels for his Grandmother as she snuggles him.

 Or a grandfather that represents love in protective ways that kids cling to, with all their hands and hearts.

 Love can empathize with having a bo-bo...

 And relish in the joy that the bo-bo was kissed away!

 There is the joy of life beaming from each of these shiny faced kids as one goes in for a lick...

 And everyone else shares in the joy and envy of that taste of sweet delight.. stolen as it were

 Something else unnamed appears here in this sweet, cherub girl. Her innocence and light is beyond any word that I have ever heard.

 I can't name what I feel when I see this 13 year old boy.
No wait...I blinked and he is now a father and an uncle... 

and still a sweet, mischievous boy at heart.

My daughter in law, Kara... who came and brought my two oldest grandchildren to live with us for almost a year while Niles was in Afghanistan. Having them here to love on while he was gone really, really eased the gaping hole in my heart. You just can't get that from anybody.

I love this shot of my big goofball son, Niles. Do you think I have words ?

Alana makes this little humming sound when she makes this face. It is a look and sound of happiness.

(no word required)

One day, Griffin will be sorry he poses like a drooling moron in all photos. 

LOL! Like goofball, like goofball's son. 

I love how these kids have no problem hanging on you like this all day and half the night. Its awesome.

I am so lucky to have my family. You could think and read and talk and ponder forever and not have the words to describe it all. If you can name it, that's not it. It is way more.



Blood count is on a steady but slow increase. More testing in the near future and it seems, more treatment too.
I feel great. Really great. But it is weird to have something hanging over your head like this. You watch your life as if you are standing outside of it. You know your clock is ticking and you can't hold the hands to make it stop. Most of the time I am focused on appreciating every day but there is a sadness to it too. It seems every movie you watch or song or photo, reminds you of your eminent future. Little episodes that occur in daily life... arguments with a boss, bitchy people on the phone, all seem so stupid and pointless. I don't want to waste any time with such trivial nonsense.
Having a sort of heads up gives you the opportunity to think on the meaning of it all. I am not giving up. Not by a long shot. I am comfortable with allowing my life to take its course. And to continue. When the time comes, I will exit the stage and continue on with this journey on some other level. No doubt in my mind.    

I will always love you,
Billie